Anything left to salvage? - or where from here?

[Grizz]

Head up psych. Press on. For yourself and for your kids.

[MrBond]

I can tell you that hope is definitely not gone.

[Psych77]

I am sorry I have not responded for a couple of days; I've been really depressed and just haven't had the motivation.

I can't thank you all enough for your show of support when I've been so desperate.

Can't say much now, because I'm at work, but will type more later. Just wanted to let you know that, yes, I'm still alive (love the kids too much to let that go, no matter how desperate I feel), and to say thanks sooooo much!

[Positivespin]

Its raining up here and im a bit glum too

I am doing this, subjecting myself to this torture so that -regardless of what happens- I 100% know.....WE 100% know THAT WE HAVE DONE EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO SAVE OUR FAMILIES!

We are allowed "off days"

Refocus- what are you doing for yourself? I know its tough with children but what are your goals. You need to be able to see success somewhere

Be strong- we have several days of rain ahead

[Psych77]

Oh boy do I ever remember that...(etc.)

That whole paragraph made me want to cry! Thank you so much for letting me know I am not alone feeling so devastated. Sometimes everyone here seems so strong in the things that they write, and I don't feel that strong.

I know what you mean when you say you didn't want to GAL. Isn't it ironic that so often when we are feeling our worst we just don't want to feel any better. Me, I just wanted to wrap myself up in blankets and cry, telling myself how hopeless life is.

But, of course, you are right. I have to make myself go out there and GAL! Right now, there is nothing I can do directly to save my M, so the only thing to do right now is to save myself. If there is still hope of a reconciliation between us, I had better be a healthy, happy person, or not only won't I be equipped to piece, there will be nothing there to love. And if there is no hope for a reconciliation, I had better be a healthy, happy person, or there will be nothing I can do with the rest of my life - which I still have left to live, either way.

I work at nursing homes, and today I was met by an old lady from the Carribean, who speaks Spanish and French, but has forgotten all her English. This 80 year old woman was distraught, telling me that her 14 year old daughter had been grabbed by a fat boy down the hall and was being harassed by him. Note, she is an 80 year old woman, so of course she hasn't any 14 year old daughter, but there is no telling her that. So I gently told her that it was OK...I had just seen her 14 year old walking off safely to school, and the police had taken that boy away. She was so relieved and happy, she hugged me and blessed me (she is a little hyperreligious)! It was such a silly little thing but it felt so good to see that I could do something that made a positive impact on the life of another adult. At home, the few times W speaks to me, I hear plenty about the negative effect I have had. I really want to have more of those experiences where I can do something to make someone happy.

I went to karate for the first time in well over a year on Friday, and it was really nice to hear how many other people welcomed me back, including the instructor. It is a really positive and supportive place. While they are demanding in terms of performance, they are not like some dojangs, where those who perform less are looked down upon. If you go in there all out of shape, their whole attitude is, "you have to start somewhere." I didn't remember most of my techniques and forms, but having that welcoming attitude made up for it. Expect to go back tomorrow night.

I am already on an antidepressant, but I am now on the maximum dose of the one I am taking, and on that I was still where I was on Sunday, so I think that during my next appointment we need to consider trying a different one.

Positive - you're right! I have to know I've done everything I can...then I can let it go in peace, if that's what must be.

Rick - glad to see you again.

Gotta go, everybody. Will keep on posting. Thanks again.

[JMax]

Hey Psych, I know how you feel, man. I got on some antidepressants and feel much better. I'm also working on getting out and meeting people.

[Psych77]

Thanks, JMax.

W called me today in the middle of work. Notified me that as of today she would no longer be including my laundry with that of the rest of the family, and that, as she pays the bills, she will no longer be paying for my student loans...I will have to pay that bill myself.

OK, they are just such little things. I can do my own laundry, and write two checks every month. No big deal. Why does it hurt so much to hear her say that? Just cutting me out in one more way, I guess. Just finding ways to separate herself from me a little bit more.

Well, I guess it just serves as a reminder of my NEED to detach myself from her, GAL, meet people and meet my OWN needs. Only, doing this, I don't really feel like I am doing this by way of DBing, but instead in the same way that a passenger jumps from a sinking ship...in order to salvage my own life from a disaster.

Going back to karate tonight. Maybe will feel better getting some exercise, and maybe someone will make me smile. That would be a welcome change.

Well, cheers, everyone!

[MrBond]

I don't get it. Does she work or was she complaining that she has to "physically" do the bills. So petty it's laughable.

Next time she does something like that, just tell her "thank you for letting me know." Was there something you and the kids want for dinner tonight?

Show her that you're made of sterner stuff.

[adinva]

Yeah, sounds like button-pushing for a reaction.

[Psych77]

Thanks for sticking with me, guys. I really look forward to hearing your replies - they are so affirming and friendly.

I am finally starting to feel like I am really separating. It is one thing to make the decision that you are going to detach yourself, and another to feel yourself detaching. I am actually starting to get a little excited about starting up my own life! W doesn't want me to say "boo" to her, that's fine. It was only added stress for me to try to negotiate civil interactions with her, anyway. I have six people in that house who love me, and I love them. I will spend my time with them, and just stay out of W's way. If, after some time of us being out of each other's lives, we start to like each other again, so be it. If not...oh, well. The only thing I know for sure it this - what there is between us now, I don't want! So, I'm staying away from it.

Going back to karate tonight. Sometimes I don't look forward to it...I am sooooooo out of shape, I have forgotten most of my karate, and I end up winded at the end of the class. But I know that when I am depressed I always want to do what is comfortable more than what makes me happy, and usually those two are not the same thing. So, if I just schedule particular nights of the week that I go regularly, I can usually keep myself going, even when I don't feel like it...at first.

At work someone gave me a gift card to the Outback for "Doctor's Day" (ummm, technically, I am a clinical nurse specialist, but they didn't care). So, maybe one of these nights I will treat myself to dinner out and a movie. I haven't been out to a movie in the theater in literally years.

I feel a little ambivalent, because at this point I really don't feel like I am DBing for the M, but really just for myself. I have been miserable for the last year...depressed and anxious almost constantly. Down inside I still really love W, but at this point being around her is only painful for me. Sometimes I feel a little guilty about this feeling like I am giving up.

Still, if there were to be a reconciliation at this point, it couldn't be rekindling what was already there. We would really have to start from scratch. So maybe it's better for me to just regard it as over. Allow us to both rebuild ourselves and see if something happens down the road.

My efforts to GAL are by necessity pretty small right now. I want to spend lots of time with the kids - I need to be near them, and they need closeness to their parents during this time. Important to GAL, but that doesn't justify distancing from the kids.

Have a good weekend, everybody!