Running out of Steam - Pt 2

[mrtwopointfour]

I thought I would start part 2 of Running Out Of Steam as this feels more relevant as a title than my thread about Limbo Land.

Here is that thread for you to catch up:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2333524#Post2333524

I thought by all accounts I was doing well, and by myself and W getting on so well i could have been making progress. I also felt like i was managing to GAL, working on my 180's, and my changes.

Now I am not so sure. W has been constant with her talk of future, to the point of being one step away of writing lists of what we both will take with us.

I think the problem I am facing is that the better we get on, the more relaxed I become, which lets us get on better. However, the more relaxed I become the more I forget about how big a deal this is, and what has been said and done over the last weeks. Its almost like I am living in my own fantasy world now where everything is perfect. At which point I lapse on progress with my 180's etc.

My wife is still 100% certain that this is what she wants and needs. Its beginning to drive me a little crazy now, and I am not sure how much more I can listen to W's comments about our lack of future together. This mixed with W looking better than she has done for years, and showing me clothes she now fits in that she has not managed to fit in since we met. Its all becoming very difficult.

I'm sorry if this thread is starting as a rant and a vent. But this weekend has been at times fun, happy and as a family pretty perfect. But at the same time its been upsetting and frustrating.

I am trying to detach and was doing well, but I keep getting pulled back in by W, and the fun we are having together.

[AnotherStander]

My wife is still 100% certain that this is what she wants and needs. Its beginning to drive me a little crazy now, and I am not sure how much more I can listen to W's comments about our lack of future together.

BD was just 6 weeks ago, were you expecting her to have a change of heart this fast? For now you should not expect her to be anything other than resolute about ending the M. The best you should hope for right now is limbo, if she quits talking about D then that is progress. But it'll be many more months before you start seeing baby steps. Think of the most patient you've ever been in your life. That is about 1/100th of the kind of patience you're going to need in the coming months.

This mixed with W looking better than she has done for years, and showing me clothes she now fits in that she has not managed to fit in since we met. Its all becoming very difficult.

Well then you need to see her hand and raise it!! If she looks good, then you need to look GREAT! Get healthy, work out, get new clothes, style your hair, whiten your teeth, get a tan. It'll make you feel better about yourself and it'll get her attention too.

I am trying to detach and was doing well, but I keep getting pulled back in by W, and the fun we are having together.

Not detached: W happy, you're happy. W angry, you're angry. W sad, you're sad.

Detached: W happy, you're happy. W angry, you're happy. W sad, you're happy.

[mrtwopointfour]

Think of the most patient you've ever been in your life. That is about 1/100th of the kind of patience you're going to need in the coming months.

I think we better make this 1/1000th - I've never been a patient person, always have to have what I want straight away. I'm a buy something on credit rather than save up for it kind of person. I think this is something I need to work on a lot over the coming weeks.

You are right of course, its not been long and many people on here have waited years for anything to start to turn around, I'm not sure if its more the fact that W is constantly reminding me about D (or the outcome of it), rather than me just knowing that its still what she wants. So working on my validation skills and detachment will help me there, as I can then not take it so personally and not let it knock me off my feet every time she mentions something.

It'll make you feel better about yourself and it'll get her attention too.

I have done some of these things, and W has noticed - some times in the form of joking about having a makeover, and others by saying 'you look nice'. Again, I'm over thinking here as only 3 months or so ago, she would make a comment such as 'oooo, you look very nice - I like you in that!' (in a flirty way) - isn't it hard to accept how W can go from loving and being attracted to you to not at all in so little time! I guess that's what a series of long term minor issues in a R and interest from and towards a OM can do!

Not detached: W happy, you're happy. W angry, you're angry. W sad, you're sad.

Detached: W happy, you're happy. W angry, you're happy. W sad, you're happy.

This is great advice and will put this with my daily notes that i read. One thing I am trying to work out about detachment is: when is it detachment and when is it blanking stuff out of your mind. For instance I have managed to 80% of the time forget W has told me she is in love with somebody else. But I am not sure this is through detachment or simply not wanting to think about it so pushing it to one side.

[Breakdown]

I wish you'd let your threads run out a bit....you are switching gears so fast. Relax...this is a marathon.

You really need to try to wrap your head around letting her go. I'm not saying give up on the M....but give up on the idea that you have any control over what she wants, or does, or chooses.

If discussing the D blows you out of the water, I'd probably steer clear of the subject for the time being. I know that for a long time, every time my W would bring it up, it put me in a foul mood and we would end up in an argument. It wasn't until I accepted it, until I stopped fighting it, that I was able to discuss it without concerns.

Focus on you...do the work on your issues....be happy, look good, etc. Believe me, she'll notice. She probably won't say anything, but that's how it works initially.

[mrtwopointfour]

I wish you'd let your threads run out a bit....you are switching gears so fast. Relax...this is a marathon.

Thats a fair comment. I regret starting a second thread, it was based on having a bad day and like you say trying to rush it all too quickly.

I really do have to let go, and I was doing well. But spending time together over the long weekend and taking the kids out etc took me back a few steps. I also realised I was happier when I was doing my own thing and moving on a little. Giving up on M is the last thing i want to do even if W did months ago, so i need to find the balance between letting go of W and keeping on the right tracks to still save M as the end result.

[ChrisN]

Hi,

I understand what youre going through, you can read whoa hole story on my thread. I Had the same long weekend experiences and it's a killer. I have a very rough time at night and in the mornings. I am the LBH in our home. It's tough. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, take care of yourself, and don't pursue her! This is what I keep telling myself everyday...

[Shiss]

Hi 2.4, you aren't the only one. Weekends are tough, night time especially for me. I find myself angry, an hour later depressed, then crying. It's a roller coaster. I keep trying to tell myself "All is well." I still have my health, friends, family, and my two dogs that keep me going. Day 2 of dark and it feels good not to reach out and be ignored. Sick of setting myself up for failure. He can reach out if he wants to chat, done reaching otu and being rejected. Take care of yourself.

[mrtwopointfour]

Yes its the pursuing thats the tricky one. Its not something thats intentional, but the little things you naturally do that i think are perceived as pursuing by W. Such as asking too many times if they want a drink etc.

[Breakdown]

Yes its the pursuing thats the tricky one. Its not something thats intentional, but the little things you naturally do that i think are perceived as pursuing by W. Such as asking too many times if they want a drink etc.

Think about this one. Often times we justify things to ourselves...."I'm just being polite" or "I'm really concerned for her" or "she looked thirsty!" In reality, you probably are pursuing.

[mrtwopointfour]

Think about this one. Often times we justify things to ourselves...."I'm just being polite" or "I'm really concerned for her" or "she looked thirsty!" In reality, you probably are pursuing.

Yes you are right. Sometimes I feel more like I have not seen W for a while, or I need to interact or be polite. So I guess I need to stop myself from doing these things at the moment. I guess even though I know what I need to be doing, I am still finding it difficult to put it into practice. At the moment I feel like giving myself a good slap and telling myself to get my head back together, before all the good i am doing for myself and our R is reversed by my emotions taking over.