Waw and divorce filed. What to do next?

[Pumpkinhead]

Hello Everyone,
I found this site from reading DR book and I thought I would see what information and suggestions I could get on saving my marriage. The Waw scenario sums up what has happened, as well as she was involved with oom old friend from middle school. I also can see the midlife crisis going on at the same time. Things are in fast forward in her life right now and just wants to be done, gone and moved on to greener grass asap.

I guess I'll start from the last day I thought we were happy. 12/31/2012. Went out to a new years eve party, had a good time. Sat, hugged, and kissed my wife most of the night. Counted down the ball drop, celebrated the New Year with a kiss, 10 mins later she left me at the party. I got a ride home 30 mins later from a friend. When we got ready for bed I asked her what happened at the party she let me know she was done and wanted a divorce. No option of R or Counseling, Therapy, or any other help to save or marriage. Of course I was shocked and devastated, asked and pleaded to think about it and talk in the morning.

Next morning I found out she was sneaking around with oom and telling him she loved him and would wait for him. I was again shocked and devastated. I saw her FB post from 12/31/2012 6 hours before new years. "Happy New Years and to New Beginnings" So I figured she had planned this for a while. She denied it and said she had an epiphany @ midnight. She also denied the OOM.

So as of now she moved out 1/10/2013 got into a rental with a 1 year lease. We only talk about splitting of assets and the kids. She had 3 from PM and I have 1 from PM, none together. At first of course I chased her and did all the things you shouldn't do. A few weeks after she was gone I was reading a lot and thought I would try the "let her have space" and figure things out. She seems very happy away from me and my D. She goes out all the time with friends and is still talking with the OOM as well as being on dating sites.

Just the other day I was served with papers from her having a lawyer now. So things are escalating rapidly. She wants me out of the house asap so she can short sale it. She wants to start the new chapter in her life.

Btw, she left her first husband about the same way. Came home said she was done, moved out and never looked back. I can see the writing on the wall, but I refuse to give up on our marriage, my wife, my family, and our future without a fight and doing everything I can to save us.

Any help or suggestions are greatly appreciated.

[dbmod]

^

[mrtwopointfour]

Hi Pumkinhead,

I can relate to your situation as it pretty much mirrors mine. You must feel panicked right now because your W is desperate to move on and get on with this new life that the epiphany brought about! Yep, sounds familiar to me! I am pretty new around here and trying to work things out myself, so all i can do is pass on some advice i have been given.

Don't panic! Its not going to help.

Learn to be patient - you will need that in the first days of being on here as it will take time to come off of moderation. But to get there just keep posting small posts.

Start to think about things you want to do to get a life of you own whilst this is going on. Some of the questions people will ask you is what your will do to GAL, and what your 180's are. To think about your 180's have you thought about what you have done to contribute to the problems in your M. It took me a while but I can now see how 50% of the issues were down to me, and I can now make sure I deal with those issues.

Anyway, somebody with much more knowledge and experience will be here soon to help you out.

Keep calm.

[mrtwopointfour]

sorry Pumpkinhead helps if i get your screen name right!

[Pumpkinhead]

Thanks for the reply.

Panic has come and gone over the past few months. I have read DR, but I need to go back and refresh my memory on some of the strategies in the book. Basically I have left her alone for the past month and haven't brought up any talk about getting back together or old times and memories. Just mostly legal stuff about the house and if there is anything she left in the house(which wasn't much)that she still wants. Trying to clean out the mess that was left.

I have been working on myself and taking care of the house, dogs, my daughter, and everything that goes with that. I do get out of the house 1-2 a week with friends. I also have been working out and eating healthy. Trying to stay upbeat and happy with my life. I still have a lot to be thankful for.

I know it takes months to make any kind of difference. I'm not sure she will ever see it tho. We don't talk, barely text, and don't see each other any more. I guess this week I'll read the DR book again and pick up DB book as well.

I may try the phone coaching if funds permit. She is worth every penny and more, but the bills still needs to get paid.

[AnotherStander]

When we got ready for bed I asked her what happened at the party she let me know she was done and wanted a divorce. No option of R or Counseling, Therapy, or any other help to save or marriage.

You would be amazed at how often it goes down like this. Most of us have similar stories where one day we're making love to our spouses, laughing, sharing emails signed with love and XXOO and the next day we're yesterday's news- rejected, unwanted, unneeded, tossed to the curb like garbage. At least, that's how it seems. In actuality our spouses have been unhappy and planning their escape for months or even years. We've been wronging them in ways we weren't even aware of and they are sick and tired of it and ready to move on. So your job is to determine what you did wrong and do 180's on those things, and to pull back and give your W time and space to think things through. Yes she thinks she's done, but with time if she sees a different, more attractive you then she may come back.

So I figured she had planned this for a while. She denied it and said she had an epiphany @ midnight. She also denied the OOM.

Get used to the lies, they go with the territory. Don't ask relationship questions because A) it's pressure and B) she's not going to tell the truth anyway.

She seems very happy away from me and my D.

That's just on the outside, on the inside she's probably confused, conflicted and trying to decide what she should do. That's why you need to quit applying pressure and pull back, because right now she's looking for an excuse not to like you.

I can see the writing on the wall, but I refuse to give up on our marriage, my wife, my family, and our future without a fight and doing everything I can to save us.

This isn't a fight, in fact it's the opposite of a fight. It's giving your W what she wants- time and space away from you. Sure you don't want to help with the D, but other than that you're not fighting her, you're just working on yourself while giving her space.

[LBH_LC]

Pumpkinhead, your sitch and timing is very similar to mine. W had a previous marriage, BD on the new year, no interest in R or C, a post on Facebook about not going to live this way anymore, possible OM, dating sites, served with papers. Every day it seems like she is accelerating away from me. I know what you're going through.

Visit my thread, and see if it helps.

[Accuray]

In actuality our spouses have been unhappy and planning their escape for months or even years. We've been wronging them in ways we weren't even aware of and they are sick and tired of it and ready to move on.

Sometimes we've been wronging them, and sometimes they just get an opportunity they decide to pursue through no fault of ours, sometimes it's both. Dissatisfaction isn't a necessary precursor to cheating, only opportunity. I point this out because its natural initially to feel that it's your fault, or that you're inadequate, or that you drove her to it.

A year down the line you might conclude that you really were a good husband who had flaws like anybody. The WAS chooses to leave versus addressing the issues and working on them -- that does not make the LBS automatically guilty of shortcomings.

Accuray

[Pumpkinhead]

I know things that I should have done or not have done over the course of our relationship. I know there are things she could have done as well. I do wish we could have worked on this marriage together, but that seems like an impossibility at this time.

So at this point I am still working on myself, mentally, physically, and emotionally. My relationship with my daughter from my first marriage is better then ever. I try to be a better person, and father everyday.

I'm half way done with DB book, finished DR book a few weeks ago. I'm not real sure what 180 I can do at this point. We haven't had any contact in over 10 days. The last month or more has just been legal stuff and more or less of being mean. I know nobody has the magic phrase or answer to my problem to fix this sitch. I guess I'm looking for people here that have had a similar sitch that have pulled it back around and made their marriage better and stronger. I would say I'm on TLR.

If going through the entire story of what happened and what was said I can.

Any help or suggestions are always welcome.

[2thepoint]

Hey PH, sorry you find yourself here but you do have good company so feel free to share as much information about your R so that we can offer our opinions and advice.

What you have described is not uncommon. Many of us were left in much the same way as you. One day things are seemingly ok, the next whamo!

So, you asked about the 180's. These are for you. Figure out what has been a problem in the R and work on those that you can. If your W takes notice, great! But don't pin your hopes on it having any effect on her decision. At least not now.

My W dropped the bomb in September 2011. She was done, done, done! Yet, here I am 17+ months later and well, she hasn't filed and neither have I. A lot has happened in that time but the most important thing I did was give space and time. That is not to say that I won't end up divorced. It is still very likely. But with the passage of time, I can say for certain, that my W's EA/A with the OM fizzled and she is significantly more friendly towards me than she was early on. Even some of the things she accused me of at the time of the bomb have taken on a new meaning for her. All the terrible things she accused me of have been rewritten by her and apparently I'm not such a bad guy afterall.

So, for you right now, the best thing you can do is keep a clear head, read and post here as much as you are able and see if maybe you can slow things down some. Just because your W wants to move swiftly doesn't mean you have to. Take your time, be thoughtful about your decisions. Go get a life for yourself and see where things start to lead.

There are no guarantees here. The odds are not in your favor. But you never know...... The ship is still in the yard.