Thread title was taken from a Pulp Fiction quote. It's one of my favorite movies.
Was able to sleep really well last night. Thank you Mr. Meds. Been a little sleepy today too. Oh well, take the good with the bad.
These long weekends with W hanging around are really hard. I just have to watch what I say. Don't get me wrong, she is acting nice to me, but I want to confront her so bad. We made our reservations for the annual beach trip this summer. I sincerely hope we have a nice time. It could be the most awkward week ever.
S6 is worrying me. He is showing signs of a sickness like he had last fall that really did a number on him. He missed two weeks of school then. It was brutal. I'm hoping we caught it sooner this time.
The boys and I went to church last night to the soup kitchen to eat. They seemed to enjoy it. And, I hate to put it this way, its always nice for them to see how hard others have it. Afterwards, we stayed and attended the Maundy Thursday service.
Maybe the Easter season will bring a rebirth and renewed hope to us all. As for now, I'm going to keep trying real hard to do the best for my family.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
Last night W turned her phone over as I entered the room. I told her thanks I didn't want to see her new boyfriend text. She said no, there's just no reason to have an unnecessary argument. I laughed and walked off.
It's already been a tough day. W is questioning everything I say as if I'm trying to get a jab in. I'm at the point of telling her to stay the h out of my house. I'm tired of the stress and the limbo.
If she wants to tell the boys and end the marriage, so be it?
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
Last night W turned her phone over as I entered the room. I told her thanks I didn't want to see her new boyfriend text. She said no, there's just no reason to have an unnecessary argument. I laughed and walked off.
It's already been a tough day. W is questioning everything I say as if I'm trying to get a jab in. I'm at the point of telling her to stay the h out of my house. I'm tired of the stress and the limbo.
If she wants to tell the boys and end the marriage, so be it?
Mn, The anger and confronting is not going to help your sitch. If you wish to set boundaries, (and I suggest that you do) you must do so in a calm and collected "matter of principle" manner. It needs to be about what behavior you will and will not accept from her, out of respect to you and the marriage. Don't make it about the pain you are in, or you seeking to lash back at, or punish her.
We all get tired of the stress and limbo. But is calling it quits really what you want? I don't think so. So you need to figure out how to make where you guys are right now, acceptable to you. It won't be forever.
What new things are you doing for you? Preferably something out of the house.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I'm so sorry it's such a tough place. Actually I see a lot of hope in your sitch b/c of how W responds to you. She isn't at all ready to come back, she has more work to do. But she doesn't want to lose you either.
I hafta share, after some experience in my sitch, I think confrontation is rarely a good idea. You want some EXPECTED result .... like she'll snap out of it or something. And she isn't ready so all you will get is a pushing away further of her and a huge disappointment for you.
This isn't easy. You are in the thick of it.
I have faced the phone usage issues too. It's frustrating. I know. I still am afraid sometimes with that. But I think, as hard as it is, you have to let the phone bothering you go. You have to accept it's part of her escaping from her current reality. You have to just accept it's an evil that goes along with the whole MLC and you trying to make little comments or forcing the issue won't make her feel more kindly towards you.
Remember that in DB one of the questions is "will this bring me closer to my goal?".
I think you are doing a lot of great activities to distract yourself right now and I commend you. But you still think you can change her heart. I don't really think you can. This limbo we live is the price we must pay to be faithful to our vows and wait it out.
In the meantime we can work on ourselves. And all these things I'm telling you, I say so, reminding myself of the same things.
I read your sitch whenever you post, Mtnman, and I like your heart and your faithfulness. You have humor, dedication and faith. Now....just add patience!
Keep up the good work...but do so silently!!!
rH
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Love the thread title, that is one of my favorite movies...
rH has given you excellent advice....this is part of the game, seems they like to try to draw you off sides before the snap with little things like that, know what I mean? Testing, testing, testing...
Poking the cat is not a game plan that'll get you to the final four...they have very sharp claws. I had to learn this the hard way, twice.
From her response, she knows...my W did the same things, looking for a way to take what I said as something either to justify her actions, or a test to see if I was really changing my ways, or if I was still the controlling parental figure, or whatever...still don't know all of it.
I agree with rH, she isn't done yet, but still isn't sure what she wants...I can tell you that she is likely questioning herself in her moments of clarity, something like "What am I doing, do I want to hurt my kids, do I want to destroy all this, he isn't THAT bad"...my W told me this a few weeks ago, that she thought this even in the worst of angry alien spew monster mode and while in her EAs/PA.
Stay out of your own way (the phone comment was you getting in your own way). Stay out of hers. Though I am a big planner, I do like to condense things down to bullet items, and at the top of my list is "STFU, T2"...so whenever I saw/heard/discovered things, I went out found something to burn off the anger and frustration...A good high volume workout, HIIT, a long bike ride, etc.
Recently, upon admission of the PA, Snodderly gave me a nice 2X4, to put my ego away.
Stick to your game plan, focus on the big picture, the whole season, not each individual game...know what I mean?
Hang in there my friend, you are in the thick of it as rH said...sounds like W is in the stage my W was at about a year ago or so...this is a crucial time, be that man she'd be a fool to leave, don't let her draw you off sides... T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Thanks T^2. I completely understand the analogy. I was able to act normal the rest of the day.
We went as a family to watch Oz. Everyone thought it was a great movie. W and I sat next to each other and shared snacks. We had good discussion through parts of the movie. At one point she asked why I married someone so stupid, in response to a couple of geography questions (dealing with Kansas). I chuckled and told her it was because she was wonderful in other ways.
rH and T^2, I thank you both for keeping me on the right path. It is my lack of patience and ego getting in the way. I'm more interested in being "right" today than working and looking to the future. It's made more difficult by all the do-gooders that I run into. They mean well, and in a lot of ways are correct, in their advice. It's a tough blow to the ego to have people come up to you and tell you to run W off, don't let her treat you that way, you don't deserve to be treated like that, go find something better, etc. All true, but I want my S's to have their parents together. That's goal #1. I guess that's the only goal.
T^2, funny story. So I take this lady to watch Pulp Fiction as a get to know you date. In my defense I had no idea what the movie was about. Long story short, I came out of the theater convinced it was the best movie ever made. She was completely horrified by the violence and language (understandable). Never saw or heard from her again. Looking back on it now, she had to think i was a complete psycho.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
You could say that I have a little experience in this area!
I noticed H's increase in texting a few months before bomb. It irritated me then, and it still irritates me now.
But, I have learned that while I can't control H's cell phone usage, I can control how I react to it.
The best advice I can give is to say nothing about what she does with her phone. I suggest not even being in the same room while she's texting. It only tortures YOU, so why put yourself through that?
H and I had fights pre-bomb about his texting. And you know what it changed? Nada.
And one of the things he told me that ticked him off was that I gave him dirty looks. He was right. I was doing it without even realizing it. It just made me so made when he would ignore the kids to constantly text. I still hate when he ignores them.
Keep thinking of your W as a teenager. They do love their phones!
All we can do is to control us. I try to set a good example with my phone usage (no phone at table during meals, no ignoring kids). Funny thing, I have found that my H will inquire about what I'm doing on my phone and who I'm texting.
You never know when your wife may be secretly watching you
T^2 and rH give such great advice, read it over and over.
You can do this my friend!
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
Yep, been there too. My XW started to text like crazy about 6 months before the bomb. She still does it but knows it upsets me, so she does it not as much when I am around to pick up the kids.
Me/W: 46/36 D7.6/S6 T/M: 7.5/6.5 Bomb 12/05/07 D final: 03/03/09
I've hated the texting since the time she started. It's simply rude. If we make it through this I'm convinced texting will be the most difficult to get over.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
