we own a biz - pt 4

[makingmagic]

PON... I do get it... thats why I said PASS THE DUCT TAPE! I do realize my faults!

I can & will go over and JUST WORK, no TALK! no Hugs, NOTHING.

but, I am concerned that this type of "work scenario" stuff will satisfy his needs to hang out with me as a person... not an employee/partner. I am so tired of talking "business"! My goal is to talk about the weather!! ANYTHING !!

My GAL attempts are fine. The neighbours are new & I am doing NEW things with them. Not at all any of the SAME people as before. Give me some credit here, please! I did do this!! I made an effort to walk across the street & made new friends!

I do listen to whats being said, but I screw up too. I am human & real ... I act on my feelings! I hurt!

As for new hobbies, its hard to have when I am supposed to be focused on business & downsizing inventory... sell sell sell. I don't have hobbies! (was never really allowed).. In the summer, I socialize, go to concerts, dinner/lunch with friends. I may consider rollerblading, but it is NOT quite warm enough here!

[ThisDayForward]

Your H doesn't want to talk with you about the weather right now. Don't you get that. DB takes months and sometimes years to work effectively. Not hours or days.

Good job meeting neighbors but it is in your favor to increase GAL activities

[makingmagic]

H needs to see me as an independent person (attractive). How can I do that while living at mom's place ($$ tied up in inventory)? How can I do that while we are business partners?

I heard him say yesterday that he doesn't want to be responsible for everything that is on his plate (maint. on house (yard/pool/garden), huge inventory, investment property, business, multi storage locations for inventory), money, daughter, me, pets, etc...geez.... he is very overwhelmed.

[movingon-1968]

its funny how I can read another's thread and see the points that you all make... and I get it! put the same comments on my thread & I get all screwed up!

I am reposting what just made sense to me:

"is trying to sort out her own thoughts and feelings and doesn't have a real grasp on those for herself. Now you want to throw into the mix your thoughts and feelings - this is pressure, pure and simple"

"This is why it's important to detach!! You cannot worry about this. If you try to be there every time she turns around; try to push discussions of the M; try to be there for her every need - this will most likely achieve one thing. You'll end up pushing her away..."

WFM - if you're wondering why or how I am able to make statements like the above, here's why; like many others here I'M GUILTY OF DOING THOSE THINGS!!! For a good six months after BD - maybe even a little before BD, since I felt something was wrong. I did everyone of those little gems that I suggest people not do. AND AT NO POINT DID IT HELP!!!

Try to learn from those of us who have been here (meaning our sitches) for a while - I'm a relative newb to this board. There are veterans here with far more experience at DB'ing than I have; listen to them, take what they say to heart as they have been there. And above all, read and re-read the books!! You will have more DUH! moments than you can imagine...

[ThisDayForward]

You were challenged to not speak about your H for 3 days and I challenged you to a week. You last 16 hours.

You don't understand DB because you can't even make it through a few chapters. If you did you wouldn't be mentioning your H. You would be focusing on fixing yourself. Your draining to me which means your draining to him.

Take 100000000000000000000000000000000000% focus OFF your H in ALL aspects of your life. Go live life

[scaredsilly]

You're paranoid. You're afraid. You're worried.

Don't you think we All had these feeling, too? DB in COUNTERINTUITIVE! I know you've read this, here and in the book. That's why it's so hard.

Everyone who has responded to you is trying to help you. At first, we start out gently and with compassion. But when you say you're listening but do the opposite TO WHAT WORKS, we start with the 2x4's because we are trying to SAVE YOU FROM YOURSELF.

Make sense?

[makingmagic]

Absolutely... and thank you all.

One reason I cannot go 3 days PON, is because I have so much work interraction with him that there are things to discuss with you guys on here. Here is what I will do:

in approx 45 mins, will go "work" with him. No talks, Nothing! Put hair in ponytail, put on tunes on & be productive with him in the shop. Leave. Stay on course and have nothing to report for 3 days, because I will focus on me.... ok?

[scaredsilly]

You can do this.

[ThisDayForward]

Now you're talking. Don't mind read. Don't read into things. Put on a happy face. DONT be cold but be detached. Show him your acting "as if". Get your work done. I use to say with a happy face these two lines "Have a great day" before leaving for work each morning and have a good night if I was going out.

[Tallula]

You can do this!!

PS: it's different when you come on here and say...I interacted with H and it was all biz... then, I went for a run, coffee, read DB. THAN: H said this, and then we started talking about R. Or H did this...do you think he meant XYZ.

Deep breath. You CAN do this. Each time you do, it builds until you instinctively act differently. I kind of look at it like this, if it feels uncomfortable, it 's probably right. Also, if I feel LIKE I MUST DO SOMETHING!!!! It's emotion. Slow down. I don't have to do anything immediate unless someone is on fire. That's something I should take action on.