Sandi's tips vs bounderies

[willbwell]

Oh my gosh, I am such a strong, powerful, content, spiritual woman. Yes, I am hurt and angry at H. That's why I am here to work thru these poisoness feelings. Since H left, I have gone back to school so prepare myself for now getting a job. It has been a good and positive experience.
My role in my marriage following apart...I enabled him. I kept everything pleasant for him and let the inner resentments build to where I responded to him with sarcasm about his job. I didn't like his job situation which was constant dinners out work "parties" ballgames, Epcot,concerts...Meanwhile, I am home doing the kids. My story is not a new one. He decided he liked that lifestyle of independance over having the day in day out stress of family life and raising children. I like my job. I like my family . I am not looking for something else. Still have to deal with the sadness of his choosing something else over his family.
Of course I ask myself why should I want him back? Maybe that is what I am here for to figure that out. to vent. To get this negativity out.
I know my positives. I know I will ultimately be fine because I have so much in my life to be thankful for. I know my blessings.

[Mad about Love]

I am very new here. But I got some very usefully suggestions. You seem like a strong person. I also was, then I forgot who I was for a while. I was a complete mess, hit the rock bottom. I was one of the worst cases I believe in this site.
Detaching helped me. It was extremely hard in the beginning. I used some modern pharma prescribed by my doctor. They helped me to control my urges to push, nag, question, ask about where he is in this relationship. Now I don't need meds anymore. I built habit. It is still hard, but easier to apply the rules.
I also want to keep my family together, and avoid divorce. I miss my husband, I know that the person whom I am dealing with now is not him. Once you accept that, it is easier. I hope and you hope that they will return back to their better selves.

[JustStunned]

I imagine how people keep from being snarky is as varied as we all are. I and my contemporaries were where you are now.

It is difficult to see a way forward when one is in an emotive state. Our instincts do not lead us to a place where we can analyze and plan our way forward. I can only relate how I am going about it, FWIW.

I’m about 3 weeks shy of the one yr anniversary of our D. We don’t interact much anymore except if it is related to family, most notably our Granddaughter. Just b/c we are divorced doesn’t mean I do not have opportunities to attack and I find I sometimes need to place my energies elsewhere.

I go about this relying upon life lessons learned long ago.

I resolve how I will present myself and I will control myself. It get easier with each success.
Early on I resolved I would not break bearing. I would not give her additional justifications or satisfaction her entreaties to provoke me were successful. I viewed each of her interactions were structured for her gain. This person was no longer the person I loved. The person I loved was still in there and only came to the surface for the briefest of moments. Mostly I only see the person in crisis and she is not someone I wish to associate with.

I separate my emotions from the situation.
I went as dark as I could to give me space to heal and to regain control of myself. I detached and proved to myself I had worth, I was important; that I would thrive and be relevant no matter what. I GAL’ed. I still do. Endorphins and Omega 3s with a dash of adrenaline are my drugs of choice.

Along the way I gained something from this board that was very difficult to accept and put into practice. It was helpful to me. I cannot imagine it will be any easier for anyone else to accept particularly early on while the pain and the emotions are fresh. Again FWIW

I haven’t seen Starsky around and although I disagreed with him sometimes. I can respect what he was attempting to do when communicating this.

Google the “Stockdale Paradox”, and find the” Consider Yourself Dead (Band of Brothers).wmv” on U Tube. Try and relate what you find. You’ll know the right scene if it is the one where Lt. Speirs is explaining to Pvt. Blythe why he hid in a ditch.

What I got out of it.
From my X’s perspective our marriage was dead and had died an ugly death a long time ago. The hell I was going through was her end game justifying her decision to abandon our marriage. I needed to get to a place where I could accept the life I knew was over.

When I was finally able to accept this I was able to let go of the pain and emotions associated with it and begin to heal and move forward with my new life. I hoped of course to include her in this and propped the door open. I am not disappointed she chose to continue her path away, nor am I angry about it and this also helps me from being snarky these days. Tomorrow? Eh, we’ll see.