It has almost been 11 months since W and I have lived together. We are now taking turns living in the apartment with the kids. She wants us to file for D. I think if she wants D, it is she who needs to file. Am I wrong? (I really don't know) I am a married man trying to think and act like a married man. She is an officially married woman acting like an unmarried woman. She had OM and his kids over for game night last Friday with my kids (grrr). So, my 180s/GAL are working out, addiction recovery program, Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University (which is blanking hard when you're in limbo with your spouse like this, but necessary). We have a house that we are trying to fix up and sell before it bankrupts us (previous rental) and I'm trying to do more than my share of that work despite having full-time job (W has a couple little jobs, but mostly just works out, as she considers herself a professional athlete even though she earns <$2k/yr with it).
Mostly what I would like guidance on is how much to engage in relationship discussion? She is asking to talk. I imagine leaving her some flowers with a letter saying either serve me papers or start making better decision, but stop waiting for me to do what you want me to.
She wants us to file for D. I think if she wants D, it is she who needs to file. Am I wrong? (I really don't know)
If it's not something you want then you are right. If your desire is to save the M, then don't talk about D, don't help her with D and don't push for D. LOTS of walkaway spouses will talk a lot about D but not actually do anything to push it forward, so the DB'ing rules say just don't bring it up.
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She is an officially married woman acting like an unmarried woman.
As much as it hurts, that mirrors most of the sitches on these forums. Even the spouses that aren't involved in affairs want to act like they're not married anymore.
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So, my 180s/GAL are working out, addiction recovery program, Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University (which is blanking hard when you're in limbo with your spouse like this, but necessary).
All great GAL activities, but they're not 180's. 180's are taking stock of the mistakes you made in the M and doing the opposite of those mistakes. What have you learned about what you did wrong, and what are you doing different now?
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Mostly what I would like guidance on is how much to engage in relationship discussion?
Do not ever initiate R talks. If your W wants to talk then you listen and validate. Make eye contact, turn off any distractions (like TV), listen intently to her. Validation is not agreeing or disagreeing, it's just letting her know you hear and understand. Example-
"I'm not happy in the marriage and want out." "I hear you saying you want out of the marriage, how does that make you feel?" "I guess I'm just frustrated that you didn't listen to me for so long." "I can see that you're frustrated, I understand why you feel that way and I'm sorry I made you feel like that. I am committed to making sure that regardless of where our R goes, that I will make myself the best possible listener."
Don't agree/ disagree/ beg/ plead/ reason/ justify/ explain. None of these things will help you one bit. Just listen and validate! Most people read this and think "oh you don't know my wife, that will NEVER work." All I can say is try it, you'll be amazed. It is a huge 180 in most relationships and can make a really big difference in how the spouse perceives you and your communication with her.
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She is asking to talk. I imagine leaving her some flowers with a letter saying either serve me papers or start making better decision, but stop waiting for me to do what you want me to.
That would be a TERRIBLE thing to do!!! First, read Sandi's DB 180 tips (sticky at top of forum). No gifts! Second, she asks to talk and you leave her a note? Don't do that, if she wants to talk, then by all means let her talk! She talks, you listen and validate! Third, you're going to put an ultimatum in the note? Read DR, no ultimatums! They will never go your way!
Mostly what I would like guidance on is how much to engage in relationship discussion?
Don't engage in a relationship discussion!
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She is asking to talk. I imagine leaving her some flowers with a letter saying either serve me papers or start making better decision, but stop waiting for me to do what you want me to.
If you WANT to be served papers, this is a good way to get them.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
Thank you for all your responses! I know my sitch doesn't call for any modifications of the "rules of DBing" that have come from the collective experiences of a community going through what I am going through. Just hard to swallow that I'm not special. I've been ignoring her requests for R discussion for a while. She has started to interpret it as me being fearful of such discussion (this is mindreading) and I just have a prideful response like "I'm not scared." So if a good opportunity to talk comes up that I can't avoid with dignity, I'll pray for the listening skills and the buttoned lip and go to it.
Prideful responses are why I was served divorce papers at the beginning of the year. You need to thank your lucky stars you are in a position where you still have the opportunity to turn this around.
Here is the last text she sent asking about talk time. There have been a few of these over the last couple of months:
"When u have the time, can we email or text about our relationship and future? It's hard to talk, but we need to. Limbo is not the place to try and live. It does not work. But I'll wait for ur timing. For now anyhow, I'm not over anxious."
Yesterday when we were handing off the kids, I had gone into do the dishes before she got there. When I came out, she was there, so I told my kids I loved them and would see them later, got a hug from my boys, and talked a bit with W about this week, but kept it short and said goodbye. I think I saw some hurt in her eyes that I would rush out so quickly. It both broke my heart and excited me that maybe something got through to her that she is deciding we are no more and this is what that means.
