7 months since BD and not sure where to go next

[AM2012]

Does anyone have advice on the above?

[makingmagic]

I can see how its all very confusing for you/kids.... sheesh. I am not good at advice yet, still learning and doing alot of wrong things. Better wait and see if a Vet answers soon.

((HUGS)) is all I have!

[Cadet]

I would say do what is best for your kids.
Just be sure that you are looking at it through their eyes.

They of course want both of their parents to love them unconditionally.

They do not understand this any better than you do.

But they are young enough that they do need to be protected.

Thats my .02

[KarenR]

This is a tough situation, but you are the adults and you have to make a decision that will be best for them. Are you talking to a Divorce Busting coach? They are experts in helping you come up with a plan on how to talk to your husband and resolve these type of situations. Don't put it off, don't drive yourself crazy! It is also hard on the kids. Hope to hear from you soon.

[AnotherStander]

however there is still a lot of anger and he is constantly bringing up the past and how I have hurt him.

I'm curious how you respond to him when he brings this up?

but we end up fighting about the past.

You need to break this cycle. He needs to be able to talk about his concerns about the past with you without it turning into a fight. It takes TWO to fight. One person (you) does have the power to change the dynamics. Did you fight at RetroV when all those emotions came pouring out? Or did you validate?

I still want to reconcile, but I am getting to my breaking point. I don’t know how much longer emotionally I can take this.

Have you read DR? These are signs that you are not detached. If you effectively detach then you can handle your sitch with grace and love without it affecting you emotionally. Essentially if you're detached there is no "breaking point". That's where you need to be.

I feel I need to know if there is a future or not. I just need some closure.

If you push for this, then the closure you're going to get is divorce. That would be very unfortunate as I'm reading some very positive signs in your sitch, signs that most people here would be elated to see in their own sitches.

Am I giving up too soon? Is 7 mths not long enough?

I wouldn't measure progress from BD, measure it from S instead.

We have been apart for a couple of weeks and in those 2 weeks I have started to see some changes

If you're seeing changes after only 2 weeks then that is a great sign.

Happy 10 year anniversary
I hope we can make things work between us.

When I read the card, my heart sank in a Bad way.

Honestly, I am amazed at that!! Are you generally a pessimistic person? Are you the kind of person that if you found out you won a million dollar lotto you'd be angry that it wasn't 3 million? LOL! I'm just kidding, but seriously, he says he wants to make things work and that makes your heart sink???? You're being overwhelmed by negative energy and that in itself could kill your chances. You need to change your attitude, start appreciating the positive steps you're seeing and focus on that instead of seeing bad news even in places that there is none.

I think my expectations are way to high, but I don't know how to lower them.

You don't need to lower them, you need to GET RID of them. You need to have NO expectations.

However when he left tonight he said I know we need to talk about the relationship at some time but I am not ready. I am till too angry.
I can't fathom this anger he has for me. I have for months tried to understand it, but I can't.

You've been to RetroV, so you know all about validating emotions. You don't need to "try to understand it", you need for him to tell you what he's feeling, and you need to validate him.

Why can't my H make a decision? He said he hopes things work between us.

Sounds like he has made a decision then. You just refuse to believe it.

[AM2012]

Hi again

I am in desperate need of advice. It's been awhile and a lot has happened. So after our anniversary we continued to talk a lot and things started to go well as in we stopped talking about the relationship and started to have fun again. He was coming over every day and we would hug goodbye at the end of the night. During the last 3 weeks the girls have been sleeping at my house, but seeing their dad every day made it easy. It started to feel like a family again.

So here it goes. About 10 days ago I told h I was going to take the kids away for a night to a waterpark because we were in need of some quality family time away. He said to me, can I come, but lets actually do a family vacation to either Florida or Mexico for a week. Me being in shock I asked him if he was serious and he said yes. We all need this time away. So we book a family trip.

Long story short we just got back fom a week of being in Mexico.

The trip was good. No fighting, no talk of the relationship, nothing like that. We just had fun so I thought. He mentioned mid week if I think he should move in with us after this trip. I said that I want to go to marriage counselling first because I don't want to end up back in same situation in 1 year. He agreed. Nothing more was said.

During the trip, i could tell that something wasn't right with H. He seemed happy one minute and the next he was very quiet. If I tried to touch him in a non sexual way he was not receptive. I didn't want to cause any fights so I didn't bring it up at all until tonight when we got back to my house.

I asked him how he felt the trip was. He said he thought it was ok, but found it very hard seeing couples together hugging and kissing. He said that's what I want so badly, but I can't bring myself to be that way with you. I felt devastated, even though I have known he has felt like this. He said to be with me on an intimate level just feels wrong, very wrong bevause its been so long and doesnt see me in that manner anymore. He told me he wants this work out for the sake if the kids, but nothing else. He said he trying so hard to make it work, but can't see it happening anymore as that barrier of intimacy is blocking him from making this work. He's afraid he's going to wake up in 10 years regretting staying together, but also afraid of waking up in 10 years regretting he didn't stay with me. He also said that he's not ready to walk away yet either which frustrates me to no end. This indecisiveness is eating at me slowly.

This is where things went bad. I am not making excuses for my behaviour , but being sick and just getting home did not help the situation.

So after he told me that he was only trying for the kids and that he did not want that intimacy with me, but also not ready to walk away, he said one minute he wants to be with me, the next min he doesn't.he said his mind changes 50x a second. He was hoping that by now a decision would have been made on his part, but he feels he's till in no place to make it because of how hurt the kids would be. Then well, I kind of lost it. I told him I can't live like this anymore. I said you need to make a decision to either fully committ to making it work or walk away. It's not fair for me, nor for the kids. I said you have me believing that you want this to work, but you really don't. The argument got heated, I threw my weeding ring and said if you can't make a decision, I will. I said love you and I want this wok, but I can't emotionally do this anymore. I said I will wok on the paper work to get a divorce. He said, I can't stop you, but I am not ready to sign. Ths is the last thing I want, but like I said this indecisiveness on his part is eating at me minute by minute and of course I said things I didn't mean. During the argument i told him to start dating so he can get his level of intimacy fulilled.
I told him we are going back to our custody where the kids stay at his house 2days a week and every other weekend I said let's pay this trip off together and be done with each other. He said can I call you to talk about us at some point and I said no and slammed the door and he went home. So that's how the conversation ended and now I have been crying for the last few hours over this.

Now what do I do? We have some family party tomorrow and I just don't want to go. I am angry with myself for acting like that, but I am also so angry at ths situation and angry with him. He feels he's done everything to make it work, but he just can't get that feeling for me on an intimate level. I feel that I need some space from him, but I don't what to do about any of this.

[AM2012]

Some answers to SA

[quote=AM2012]
however there is still a lot of anger and he is constantly bringing up the past and how I have hurt him.

I'm curious how you respond to him when he brings this up?

I usually tell him that I am very sorry about the past. I can't change is, but will ensure it doesn't happen again.

but we end up fighting about the past.

You need to break this cycle. He needs to be able to talk about his concerns about the past with you without it turning into a fight. It takes TWO to fight. One person (you) does have the power to change the dynamics. Did you fight at RetroV when all those emotions came pouring out? Or did you validate?

We fought at retro. Yes I do have the power to change the dynamics and things have been going well except for tonight.

I still want to reconcile, but I am getting to my breaking point. I don’t know how much longer emotionally I can take this.

Have you read DR? These are signs that you are not detached. If you effectively detach then you can handle your sitch with grace and love without it affecting you emotionally. Essentially if you're detached there is no "breaking point". That's where you need to be.

I haven't read DR, only DB. I think I have detached and feeling good for a coup,e of weeks and then I get to a point that I need that closure.

I feel I need to know if there is a future or not. I just need some closure.

If you push for this, then the closure you're going to get is divorce. That would be very unfortunate as I'm reading some very positive signs in your sitch, signs that most people here would be elated to see in their own sitches.

I agree most people would be thrilled and so should I, however I have a hard time believing him. I know he is just living in fear of regret and that's why he holds on. He afraid of hurting the kids and the family. No one wants this R to end. He's always been the person to please others just to avoid confrontation and avoid hurting others.
After tonight's episode, I have no idea what the future holds. I know that if he actually starts dating and finds someone who can give him that level of intimacy he wants, he's gone forever. He's a very loyal person and is easily pleased.
The statement believe nothing that is said and only half of what you see. When does that change?

We have been apart for a couple of weeks and in those 2 weeks I have started to see some changes

If you're seeing changes after only 2 weeks then that is a great sign.

Yes I thought it was a great sign, but I struggle believing anything he says.

Happy 10 year anniversary
I hope we can make things work between us.

When I read the card, my heart sank in a Bad way.

Honestly, I am amazed at that!! Are you generally a pessimistic person? Are you the kind of person that if you found out you won a million dollar lotto you'd be angry that it wasn't 3 million? LOL! I'm just kidding, but seriously, he says he wants to make things work and that makes your heart sink???? You're being overwhelmed by negative energy and that in itself could kill your chances. You need to change your attitude, start appreciating the positive steps you're seeing and focus on that instead of seeing bad news even in places that there is none.

Yes I am pessimistic. I am working very hard on changing this. I have noticed some changes in myself but I have a long way to go

[AM2012]

I should mention we have our first therapy session as a couple on Tuesday. This was agreeded upon before we left. Do we go after what happened last night? It's very clear his intentions for wanting to work on it ( the kids) however if he doesn't want that intimacy with me at all and that's the barrier than why go?
I don't know what to do

[Accuray]

AM2012, I saw your post on the SSM forum. I am back together with my W after an SSM drove us apart, to answer your question.

Reading your sitch, what comes through to me is two things: (1) Your H really wants to reconcile with you, but he is scared as hell of getting hurt again. All the other stuff he's saying that is hurting your feelings, like only being in it for the kids, is just "blah blah blah" and you should ignore it. The bottom line is that he's scared of jumping in the deep end and ending up there all alone like before. He feels if he goes through that again it will kill him, so he's being extremely careful with his emotions.

(2) You two are caught up in a game of chicken where neither of you wants to "hard commit", you each want conditions to be perfect before you give it your all, or maybe if you take a half step forward, you want to see him take a half step too before you'll take another half step. When he doesn't move forward you move back.

Here are my questions for you:

(1) Are you two having sex?

(2) Have you offered to have sex directly, and if so, what did he say?

If you both want things to work, then being sexual is going to help, despite what he's saying. Give me some more info on your sex life and maybe I can help you get past his fear.

Accuray

[AM2012]

Thank you for getting back to me. Glad that everything is working out for you

Here are the answers
1. We have not had sex in 6 years- yes that's right. I use to always reject him because I was angry with him or because he wasn't satisfying my other needs and then 2 years ago I went to the doctor because I was feeling that something was wrong me as in I had no sexual desire. I had tests done and I was low in testerone. I went on supplements and it made a huge difference, I wanted it constantly, however my H didn't really want it. He was now rejecting me.
We have had other forms, but not intercourse

2. Yes I have offered it and he said he can't do it. He feels that having sex with me is wrong. Like he would be having it with a sister or something. He said he still finds me attractive , but can't get over that feeling that's its wrong to be with me in they way. He thinks maybe be rejected all those years has caused this. I have questioned whether he's having an affair because I have trouble understanding it, however I have not experienced what he has with the extreme rejection. Even if I try to touch him he backs off.

I feel that our case is so extreme 6 years?? That's insane. I can't even believe it when I think about it. Can this be fixed? I really want that sexual relationship with him as well as a living marriage.