Had IC appointment today. I've been reading the Hold Me Tight book and really had a lot to talk about with that. There is a deep level of emotional investment described in that book that is intimidating. I want to be up to the challenge but still have a lot to learn. And need a willing dance partner.
But we talked about expectations too. It's a big issue with me because of abandonment issues and the way H left really hits me hard. I'm meeting H at new counselor in 3 weeks and my IC had a good point maybe others with the angry streak could use -
- Lead with hurt. Hurt is a true emotion and it draws others in. Do not lead with anger, which masks hurt. Anger pushes people away.
As far as expectations go, I know we're supposed to have none but the million dollar question is HOW to let go of expectations? Is there a mantra to recite or something?
“There were two ways to be happy: improve your reality, or lower your expectations” ― Jodi Picoult, Nineteen Minutes
Looked things up and found this one that fits some what...I do like it because I think we are all on the path of trying to change our reality and if we can lower expectations of others they typically can not disappoint as easily...there is more room for appreciation and love I think.
Love what you IC said...so true and a good way to look at things...I think I have been trying to lead with hurt and trying to point out how I have hurt H too...but with anger it is hard to control and push it down forever. But also with Spouses I think they are also hurt and everytime H is angry with me I see as a mask to pain. I have been trying to apologize and restate the pain and hurt he tells me, and ignore the anger. Anger covers so much emotion...it is a protective layer for ourselves...I told H that I was not trying to hurt him but protect myself...now the reasons for this I am still trying to figure out.
Have to look up the book you are talking about. Everyones situation is different but I look at H leaving as not a typical reaction for my H, so it had to be pretty bad in his eyes to do what he did. I think my anger will not be in how he left but if he does not work on it. I do not believe he ever truely worked on it and think he sabataged our marriage by not communicating.
What a process for us all to go through...so hoping that in 3 weeks this look more up for you whatever they are.
- Lead with hurt. Hurt is a true emotion and it draws others in. Do not lead with anger, which masks hurt. Anger pushes people away.
I like that! Makes a lot of sense. Our inclination is to help those that are hurting, but to push away or fight those that are angry.
Quote:
As far as expectations go, I know we're supposed to have none but the million dollar question is HOW to let go of expectations? Is there a mantra to recite or something?
If only there were, LOL! Expectations have been my achille's heel throughout my DB'ing. They are like angry monsters that you try to lock in a room but they constantly gnaw at the door and walls to force their way out. The minute you quit thinking about them they sneak up behind you and claw all your hard work to pieces.
Expectations have set me back in my DB'ing more than anything else. I just try to remember how they've hurt my progress and remind myself of those slips to keep myself from getting swept up in them again.
Anger is never a great place to start with anything because anger is usually not what we're really feeling, hurt is usually under it.
Don't know if you read my thread but I recently had a problem where I allowed my anger to lead, and I knew I was screwing up even as it was happening.
Take some time to figure out what you're feeling on a daily basis. Most of us go through like on autopilot never noticing what we're really feeling and we react to things without thinking. Meditation helps slow me down so that I am more aware.
Expectations is part of letting go of control and allow others to live their lives. Keep practicing, it gets easier.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Ah, those dang expectations. They get me every time.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Take some time to figure out what you're feeling on a daily basis. Most of us go through like on autopilot never noticing what we're really feeling and we react to things without thinking.
I know this is where my struggles come from. My new mantra is act, don't react. Just last week I forgot that for about 5 minutes and reacted and...nevermind, you know where those end up.
I also like what your IC said about leading with hurt.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Thank you for the support. Glad you got something out of IC advice, AS. Another nugget she suggested was leaning forward when H speaks. The act shows interest and will physically remind me to be receptive and stay away from anger.
Labug, I have been reading your thread and think your email to H was really a good example of being the person you want to be.
Originally Posted By: labug
Most of us go through like on autopilot never noticing what we're really feeling and we react to things without thinking.
This was me for so many years and it's embarrassing to admit. I understood the concept of living in the moment and having awareness but had NO comprehension of how to actually put the principal into practice. I worried and worried 24/7. Still do, but now I can usually catch myself and try to stop the process.
But today I'm in a funk and am frustrated with my dbing (expectations!). The one-sided promoting friendship is a self defeating process. I know consistent change and PMA is important, but I keep remembering that movie "He's Just Not Into You" and think - WTH am I doing?
H is never aggressively unkind, but he just seems like he doesn't care. He's abrupt. And I expect that a lot of the not caring is (mind reading!) 1) doesn't want to give any positive encouragement 2) doesn't want to let wall down for self protection 3) just plain old doesn't care anymore.
Well I'll have to see him briefly today so it'll be time to put my PMA mask on soon.
Think I may have figured out why I'm unraveling today - I feel super awkward about H being at my house today while I'm not home. This came up a couple weeks ago but the circumstances are a little different this time as I left the gate & shed unlocked and he's doing what he's doing to get backyard in shape. I thought he'd be there after kids got out of school but he texted about a 1.5 hours before they were released to say "just so you know I'm at house".
So the weird feeling is that on one hand I'm paving the way home & promoting friendship but on the other hand - he's in my back yard right now and locked out of my house! I'm not feeling too friendly about that. He has keys to house still but I changed the alarm code & garage door code so basically he can't get in. And we've never talked about it. But I'm not necessarily ready to tell him to make himself at home...
What does everyone else do with a WAS and access to the 'family' home??
My H let's me know when he is coming over, but he pretty much comes and goes as he pleases.
So far, this isn't a problem for me.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
