Help! Patience is tough

[jaytee35]

Hot wheel,

Very good insight. I have to agree with you because that is what I thought all along. I am pretty certain that she is not working on herself at all because she firmly believes that she had absolutely nothing to do with the downfall of our image. I believe all the Facebook antics and the puppy are passive aggressive behavior hoping that I will see it and respond in a negative way, therefore validating her decision to D.

I am not falling into her trap and I am still going to GAL without social media. She wants so bad for me to respond negatively to her. I just think its odd for someone that is so firm about her decision to divorce can stil be so bitter, resentful, vindictive, narcissistic and passive aggressive. I find it hard to believe she is sold on her decision because if she was, she would have really moved on by now and wouldn't be playing games.

[hotwheelsaust]

jaytee, one of the things I have tried to think about for my W, is Amway (apologies to anyone involved in it). My W and I did this many, many years ago, and all I can think is we focused on trying to impress people we really didn't care about, pretended everything was fine, faked how good we were doing money wise and achieved very little. I think in someways our W's are doing the same thing. Pretending it's all good.
My W talked about selling the houses many months ago, back when the BD happened, at this stage still nothing else has been mentioned. If she was so set on selling the houses, why not continue to demand them being sold.
I also think, like us, we have moments of doing something that felt right and then later regretted. For example, taking photos off the wall and ripping them up, throwing out letters that were for the W but couldn't be bothered to give them to her. By the way, I haven't done either of these.
I feel my W, put separated on Facebook in one of these moments, and probably later regretted it. But to save face, she can no longer put married back as she then has to have me confirm it.

[jaytee35]

Wow, hot wheel you are speaking the truth. It is absolutely all about saving face from her point of view. I do not believe for one second that she is 100 percent sure that she is making the right decision. And my reasoning for that is just like I said in the above posts about still playing Facebook, profile picture, puppy games. But the number one reason is.....she would tell me all the time that she does not want contact when I was. Initiating the contact. Now that I am not initiating and she is periodically, when I respond.....she always responds back with.......please no contact anymore. And then threatens me with whatever she is in the mood to threaten me with that day. She blocked me from calling and texting so our only communication is through email. But guess what........you guessed it, she still hasn't blocked me from email. If she was so set. On her decision and was happy moving on with her life, she would have blocked me from EVERYTHING. In her life and she sure the hello would not be playing her passive aggressive games using social media and friends in hopes I am listening, watching or better yet to validate her decision, reacting aggressively!

[jaytee35]

My wife also put seperated, changed her profile name on instagram to "miss" and changed her profile name on Facebook to her maiden name. She would never change them back just to save face like you said.

And honestly I feel like there is no chance in me busting this divorce because of that exact reason. She is so worried about the others in her life and thier opinion. She has made it a point to show the world how "it takes a strong woman to walk a way" that backsliding and going back on her decision to divorce will make her look unjust, dependent and shamed. Even though deep down in her heart she knows this has all went to far and could have all been avoided but she reacted from pure emotion in the heat of moment. Sad thy this day in age, the WAS is more concerned with others than thier own husbands, wives, kids..........and sadly technology can be to blame for the majority of the way society acts in times of crisis.

[hotwheelsaust]

Yes it is sad jaytee that the WAS can put other people first when the marriage is in trouble. But that is how it happens. I look at it as I have been putting myself first for so many years, and therefore have let my W down a hell of a lot. Now it is her turn to put herself first and I suppose let me down. The difference, if we can call it a difference, is that I wasn't aware of what I was doing, she is. But it is her choice to make, whether she does it by herself, or has friends to help make that choice. My original letter to the W many months ago focused on how strong I thought she was to walk out of the marriage, then I stated about how strong she would look to our boys, if she then allowed the chance for us to work on the marriage. I mentioned that I didn't think anyone would feel that she should be ashamed if we worked on the marriage, rather, they would be proud she stood for certain principles until they were fixed.

[jaytee35]

Hotwheel,

You are exactly right in your post. The majority of people would admire someone who can stand up for themselves but also stand up to thier commitment in marriage and try to do the right thing. At this point, our wives are in a situation where they do not want to seem weak. They have made it known to the world that they are strong and can walk away and be fine on thier own. So going back to the situation would (in thier eyes) make them look like they have no backbone. It is a sad cycle.

I also agree, we have let them down. My wife has taken letting me down to the extreme. Anything she can do to jab the knife deeper in my back she has done. You would think i cheated on her or beat her. She literally has treated me like we have only known each other for a month. I know the treatment is to make her feel better about herself and try to get a rise out of me so she can validate her decison. I bit during the early on stages of the D but have been in extreme control since march. which i am proud of.