The "friendliness" has continued. She has been in our bed for the past several days. She will stay awake and watch TV in bed at night. Even prior to BD she would go to sleep early and not talk much.
Now the other side of the coin. We had been kissing goodbye almost every morning since BD. since W has become much more friendly recently the kisses have stopped. Do I read anything into this? Is she progressing to "just friends"? What would I rather have, kisses with not much friendliness or no kisses but a friendly W?
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
Now the other side of the coin. We had been kissing goodbye almost every morning since BD. since W has become much more friendly recently the kisses have stopped. Do I read anything into this? Is she progressing to "just friends"? What would I rather have, kisses with not much friendliness or no kisses but a friendly W?
Grizz, you are thinking about this too much. Analyzing too much. I wouldn't read into your W's actions or inactions. Regarding not kissing, respect that physical space and allow her to lead in that regard. Hey, you are getting a lot more physical contact than me
Regarding "just friends" go with that. It is better than "just enemies". Take advantage of the friendliness to have nice conversations without pushing into R talks.
VG, thanks for the reminder. Trying to analyze it will get me nowhere.
I hate to stay this because it could change tomorrow, but my sitch is not as bad right now as others on here. We are still in the same house, sometimes the same bed, we talk and she still says she does not know what she wants to do. However, to me, it is still awful.
I have not initiated any R talk recently. I have surprised myself with my acting "as if" around W. I have been able to talk to her without being distant and cold. No way this happens a month ago. I am definitely faking it some but W only sees the calm "friendly" me.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
You and I are in parallel universes. My wife will not kiss me or touch me. We sleep in separate rooms. She and I watch TV together and go shopping together. Essentially, we are just friends. It blows if you look at how things used to be prior to the difficulties. It's good if you look at it compared to lots of others who are here.
At least you guys seem to be getting along. Hang in there!
and she still says she does not know what she wants to do. However, to me, it is still awful.
Yes, I get "we don't know what's going to happen to us". I figure that is better than "we are finished". I agree it does hurt. I'm 6 months into my sitch so doesn't hurt as much. I just don't analyze or give a lot of thought to things she says or does any longer. But I do go through some cycles of feeling really down at times. But it passes.
Sounds to me like you are doing great - all things considered.
My wife will not kiss me or touch me. We sleep in separate rooms. She and I watch TV together and go shopping together. Essentially, we are just friends. It blows if you look at how things used to be prior to the difficulties. It's good if you look at it compared to lots of others who are here.
^^^^ That's my world right now also. There's been many more up & downs, just been going on much longer...
Grizz you need to stop focusing on your W. Not being mean do you get this? Do not say you're not. Do not worry about ML, touching, kissing. Please. What are you doing to work on yourself? To become a man only a fool would leave
If your W feels forced to kiss you goodbye etc you will only be resented more later.
DB feels akward. To do the exact opposite of what you want to do. Kind of like when you hit a good golf shot, it feels funny.
How about not mentioning what your W is doing on here anymore. Read Sandi's 37 rules. They answer all the W questions. You're probably violating 1/2 of them
The "friendliness" has continued. She has been in our bed for the past several days. She will stay awake and watch TV in bed at night. Even prior to BD she would go to sleep early and not talk much.
Now the other side of the coin. We had been kissing goodbye almost every morning since BD. since W has become much more friendly recently the kisses have stopped. Do I read anything into this? Is she progressing to "just friends"? What would I rather have, kisses with not much friendliness or no kisses but a friendly W?
I think being that close would make it very difficult to detach. For me it would pull me in emotionally fast and hard. I too obsess about all the little things and when and why they do or don't happen, it is not detaching for me. I would try to find a way to detach. (let me know if you do as I haven't be able to yet ;-)
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Hey, is this the living in the same home like friendly roommates club? If so, count me in!
PON is right, we can’t focus too much on our W’s. It doesn’t help the sitch or us one bit. Probably pushes them away too, because neediness is very unattractive.
Acting “As If” is good, but really being in a place of contentment and high self esteem is better. Our W’s know us like a book, and can tell the difference.
I’ll tell you a couple things that help me accept giving her space / detaching / not focusing on everything she’s doing.
First, doing this is giving our W’s the best chance of reconsidering a M with us. Remind yourself this every day, and focus on the big picture, the end goal, instead of how you’re feeling at the moment.
Next, what else are you going to do? Leave her? Live on your own? Start up a new relationship which offers absolutely no guarantee? If you’re like me, none of these things hold the slightest appeal, so here I stand, being the H only a fool would leave.
We have to be strong. KNOW without a doubt that we will be fine without her if it comes to that. When we truly get to this point, our W’s will notice, and we will become more attractive.
Now if someone can remind me this the next time I feel like throwing in the towel, I’d surely appreciate it!
I will add to NOT walk around on eggshells worrying about every little thing YOU do or say around W. I think back to a few of the things I did early in our sitch and think "wow, I sure looked weak for doing that." Be confident and strong. Be the man any women would love to be with. You can fake it 'til you make it, but you gotta make it!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I just mentioned this in another thread, but I kept the hugging up for a while after BD but W would bang me on the back like some creepy uncle she didn't like (before BD when we hugged there was none of the back-patting stuff). So I finally just completely quit hugging her. Basically we had zero physical contact for months. Then after those 3 months or so, whenever we would part she would move in close like she was going to hug me, but she'd stop short and I made no effort to meet her halfway. This went on for a couple of weeks and then she started coming all the way in for hugs and has been ever since. They're more like the warm pre-BD hugs than those goofy slap-on-the-back hugs I was getting too. At some point after the hugs she started kissing on the lips too. This actually surprised me because as cold as she had been for so many months I really didn't think we'd ever be hugging/ kissing again. You just never know. Give them time and space and let them make the move!
