This week I'll order the tabletop grill she mentioned that she'd like to have for her balcony this summer.
Careful there....
Think of another way to do this. If I remember correctly, you already have a house full of your material things to replace the emotional things you were lacking....
Am I correct ???
Find another way to do this....
Ordering it for her, could be confused for more of the same behavior from you....
Maybe...
Let her know that you have "x" number of dollars for her to spend however she wishes. And then let HER pick what she wants.
If it is the grill ??
Then that is good.
If it isn't ??
Then that is good as well...
Letting HER choose, may be more powerful than the gift..
Letting HER choose may actually BE the gift...
New you RS, old patterns out the window....right ????
Yup working on the new me. This grill was a foot-stomp from her since she sent me the link to it. She just doesn't know she'll be getting it this soon.
Since I found out she's an "acts of service" LL, I'll be throttling back on material gifts unless it's something she's picked out.
I have to mention that one of the old patterns I gave up was taking control. The move was her decision, I was there to help. I stayed neutral and didn't take over. I did what she asked with no questions or debate. Later she thanked me for not trying to run the show and just getting stuff over to the new place so she could be there the first night of the move.
I also really had to bite my tongue when we picked up her new bed (tempurpedic)that she put on credit (yikes!). I reminded myself that it's her choice and could potentially be her bed with me out of it. It was nice to sleep on though. It was probably integral in the overnight healing of my body after moving heavy stuff up and down stairs all day.
After the second day, I was working on the flat while she was at work and I texted her that, "Last night's talk was well worth staying up. Just know that I truly believe that you are worth all the effort that I'm putting forth to improve and will continue in the future."
We had stayed up talking in bed and I let her do most of the talking. What I got out of that was she likes the direction I'm heading with my changes, but she's worried that I won't stay consistent. I really heard that part. I think about that constantly so I don't let her down again. I simply told her that I don't want her ever to feel what she felt for those 4-5 years. She's too wonderful of a spouse to feel that way.
I've recently been stressing over how because of our relationship repair, it's been putting career plans on hold and making the path uncertain.
I had a lunch with one of my friends that I've confided in, and he asked how the trip went, etc. I told him of my concern since I'm 17 mos away from retiring and I don't know which path to go.
He reminded me of my passion for cooking and that I'm good at it. He said all you need to do is come up with some easy recipes, perfect them and do what comes easy to you. That way you don't have to choose between a career and family. You can be with the family and cook out of the home and be an entrepreneur. I have felt much better since then.
Granted, my education isn't in cooking, but I think staying with the family after retirement AND being able to enjoy time with them is more important than chasing a career track just because my of my degree.
Yup working on the new me. This grill was a foot-stomp from her since she sent me the link to it. She just doesn't know she'll be getting it this soon.
I would tell her, and let her do it. SHOW her that you are there to SUPPORT her in HER choices, not just run them for her...
Does that make sense ? How simple things can look to another person ???
Control can be as complex as planning every minute of another person's day, or as simple as walking by something that they are cooking, tasting it, and adding Salt without asking them....
It isn't what WE do, it is how it is perceived....
Just something to think about there....
Originally Posted By: RetiringSingle
I've recently been stressing over how because of our relationship repair, it's been putting career plans on hold and making the path uncertain.
While you are busy PLANNING a life after retirement, your life today is passing you by.
And with that, all of your relationships are in limbo, just waiting for you to PLAN.....????
Wow....think about that for a minute, and see how it feels...
Why not live your life, free of planning every minute, and letting your life decide what happens.....
Make LOOSE plans of what you envision, and leave the rest of it up to the Universe to decide...
THAT would be giving up control...
"What" you want, should pale in comparison to "who" , and "where" you want....
How would that be different for you ??
To give that up ???
If you are truly putting her and the Marriage first, then why can't you plan the where, and who, and THEN decide the "what" ?
Have you ever asked her the where ?
Maybe she has ideas for the "what" too ...
One never knows.....
I don't think that I would allow a buddy decide that over my spouse though....
I completely hear what you're saying M1. The catch is that I cannot talk about the future with her because she has said she still needs time for her journey of self and improvement. It's still a touchy subject so I'm avoiding talking about it a lot. I'm waiting for her to introduce the topic when she's ready.
I've been trying to be more loose with the present. It's been tough. It's a balance between making the most of my time away and ensuring a responsible life after the military.
M1, I've been experiencing the low point of this roller coaster ride. W has been sending me so many mixed signals that I don't know which to believe. I'm almost getting tired of putting up with her mood swings. At this point I'm letting her make the next reach-out.
She needed me to make a last minute trip back up to her place in Denmark because she wasn't able to finish her flat move due to lack time and others' help. I selflessly did what needed to be done and got on a plane as quickly as I could (just glad I had the $ to do it) and took care of matters. Then, after all the work I put forth, she didn't make an effort to even take advantage of me being there, like talk. I was there for 5 days and on the last day, during the trip to the train station W didn't feel like talking much and I got only a hug and a limp "thanks for everything." I guess I had a little more expected considering how she opened up to me the last visit. This has made me feel like this is the last favor for her for a while.
I've been working on my health the past 4 weeks and am completely convinced that all this added stress of the relationship and our money troubles (which she's still resisting my request to both work together on) has been detrimental to me staying healthy. It's just been draining me physically and emotionally and my body hasn't been able to fight off these ailments I've experienced.
Tomorrow, however, I'm going back to the gym and hitting the weights since I'm feeling better since last Wed.
I guess I had a little more expected considering how she opened up to me the last visit. This has made me feel like this is the last favor for her for a while.
Is that normal for you ???
So you went there, to "selflessly" help her, with the expectation that more would happen...(talking, etc)
And when it didn't, you went home with a passive-aggressive mentality, because things didn't play out the way you wanted them in your head....
Sound about right ????
Did you verbalize what you wanted ?
Did she verbalize what exactly she needed help with ??
No, this feeling of "the last favor" is not normal. It took me a lot of thinking on the trip back home about how things played out this time. I usually am a helper by nature.
Now the whole reason that made me go was simply that she needed help and had no one locally to turn to. I couldn't say no, that would've been heartless and I know she has a lot on her plate with work and the kids. I'm just disappointed that she was so rash in making the decision to move when the home wasn't in a state that was move-ready. She made no preparations. It made it extremely difficult. She accused me of making poor decisions, sheesh! But I didn't bring this issue up because it was obvious and it wouldn't have helped our communication if I made the accusation.
I didn't verbalize anything because I knew this was going to be a stressful and strenuous visit and there was only one priority to tend to, and that was to get her stuff out of the old flat and clean it up for the next tenant.
She didn't verbalize specifics just of what needed to be done and that she trusted me to do what needed to be done while she was at work. We did pull an all-nighter getting stuff sorted before removing it and I thought we got along OK, but in the end, I think we just coexisted for the common goal.
Maybe "selfless" is the wrong word, but I just feel used right now. I've been sick since Wed and I didn't get any calls from her or my S. Since getting better, I tried to call the last 2 nights and she wasn't home. I got in touch with her last night and she was too busy to talk and sounded like I was bothering her. She didn't call back. This is why I'm ceasing my reaching out for now. I'm tired.
We're only communicating by e-mail now. WTH? Also when I'm talking with S, I ask if she wants to talk and she says she'll call me later. Later there's no call. I've lost trust in her cause she hasn't called when she says she will. She says that I'm in my own little world. Well she's forced me into this little world!
Thank you to all the individuals that have helped me along the way. I appreciate your time and devotion. All the best to you all.
Thumbs down to the administrators of this site for keeping me in moderation for a ridiculous length of pages. I'm leaving this site and will seek help from PC instead. Bless!
