My journey begins

[jp787]

From Running out of steam's thread.

Giving up control (or the illusion of it) is a very hard thing to do. It took me a long time to stop asking questions to W. I never felt like I was trying to control her but she saw it very differently than I did. The littlest thing, things you would never think about, were considered me trying to control her in her eyes.

Spartan how did you learn to give up the need to try to control, to know everything?

[jp787]

I think that was a good choice~

Thank you.
Maybe post make a new post of your situation?

[jp787]

W just changed password on cell account. I know this is good and I hope that I will find relief from it, but right now ALL I can think is she is talking to OM after not for many weeks.
This will be a defining moment for me.

[jp787]

W asked if I was OK, I said I was ok and y?
She said about the phone thing. I said all was good.
This is so hard.
Just have to talk about this and can't do it with W, so here I am.

[ThisDayForward]

Great job. Were you raised in dysfunctional family ?
You need to Gal tonight . Can you leave house or pick up old hobby?
Puzzle? Book? Guitar

You need to get help with your anxiety ASAP . This is why EE is so important.

Do you have a friend you can call that in no way the conversation could get back to your wife .

This control thing is a trait you need to dispose off. Remember my ref to orgy? Let it go. Dude let it go

[jp787]

Great job. Were you raised in dysfunctional family ?

Yes

You need to Gal tonight . Can you leave house or pick up old hobby?
Puzzle? Book? Guitar

I will keep busy.

You need to get help with your anxiety ASAP . This is why EE is so important.

Do you have a friend you can call that in no way the conversation could get back to your wife .

No, another part of GAL I need to do, make friends, my self confidence is really low. I dont have friends outside of acquaintances.

This control thing is a trait you need to dispose off. Remember my ref to orgy? Let it go. Dude let it go [/quote]

[Sam1313]

[quote=Mach1]
What would it mean to fully embrace what DBing entails ???

To let go of my marriage, to accept that it is over. To stop trying to fix or save it. To focus on me.

JP!!! Focusing on you and letting go of your marriage may just fix it. It also may not but you will be in a better situation if you work on yourself.

You have found the best place to get advice on your marriage. Please use the advice.

Realize that this is a journey that will not end anytime soon.

Also realize that your wife is giving you a gift and you are very fortunate to be getting it. Don't waste it!! She is giving you the GIFT OF TIME. Use it wisely.

You have been told this before but I think it is worth repeating. Your wife is in pain right now. She is confused. She needs space. GAL and DETACH. It was the best advice I got when I came here.

[jp787]

One last post about W before I goto bed.
We have been sexting several times a week and having sex about once a week. These are great and 180's for me. I truely feel they are a positive. Now my dilima. For the past several weeks, maybe a month now W hasn't sent pics or talked to the OM she had an EA with. Now that she has her privacy with the phone, I won't know what she does, which is they way It should be, but if she starts talking, sexting with OM or others, I won't know and if we still have our sexting and sex, won't that be like jher having her cake and eating it too? I wouodnt continue to have sex or sext with her if I knew that she was doing the same with anyone else. Does this make sense?
I want to continue with our sexting and sex as I feel it is good cor our witch, something that was missing, but if she is doing it with others... Ugh idk how.to deal with this.
Tomorrow will be a new day for me, I have decided to wake up and be positive and start focusing on me. Just not sure how to handle or if I continue with what I rambled on about above.

[Spartan]

First off well done with interaction with W. Act as if you're fine with everything and try to show a PMA whenever she's around. Well try to HAVE one all the time but babysteps...
Yes it's extremely hard, yes it's acting and may not feel right, but do it. You might be surprised at the results.

Also someone once told me if you're DBing right everything feels wrong. It's very true.

Looks like today was a good first step. Keep it up! The next big step we need you to take is the first one towards working on you and your attitude about yourself.

Spartan how did you learn to give up the need to try to control, to know everything?

My issue is more about controlling situations, not necessarily my W. These two sometimes blended and that's what I own. Don't get me wrong, if you ask my W she'll tell you I tried to control her. I see some of her points and understand how she would think I was controlling and I've corrected those faults of mine. Many of the things she used to say are more about her perception of situations due to her upbringing and not reality so I don't let it worry me anymore. It used to drive me crazy because I couldn't fix it but I no longer try to own her stuff; funny that an IC told me this years and years ago and I wasn't in a place where I could learn or understand it. W and I have even discussed it before and she's agreed that a lot is/was in her head.

Side note - this is one of the reasons I ask people if they understand their S's complaint and if they agree. Many of the things our S's say about us is there own crap being projected on us, the LBS. It happens all the time, someone will come here and spend time doing 180's on stuff they don't believe in just because their S wanted a change. Those 180's never stick so you have to own your crap and fix it but also understand what isn't yours to fix. I spent years trying to figure something out that probably isn't mine to fix.

Ok back to your question regarding the need to know... Yes, I admit to snooping in past and especially after BD because I went through a phase of asking why, who, what, etc... I felt like I needed answers. Guess what, I found out I didn't like the answers I was getting. Just as bad was I felt like crap in the ways I was finding the answers. I hated who I had become and there wasn't a dang thing I could do with the info anyway to help my sitch. It drove me crazy and it paralyzed me for longer than I like to admit. My W didn't give a crap that I knew and even said as much one time. So one day, after getting to the darkest place a person can get to (yes, I was VERY close) I said enough is enough. I decided it was time to man up. I stopped feeling like a victim, stopped feeling sorry for myself, stopped thinking I wasn't good enough, stopped the 'bad' thoughts that kept trying to get in my head, stopped taking all the responsibility for the failures of our M, and stopped asking her any questions, and I mean any. I'll listen and validate her when she talks but it's very rare I ask any non kid question. I realized the need for this info and the fear that it generated in me was controlling me. It was time for me to look in the mirror, fix my shidt, let my W go fix hers or move on, and start enjoying life again. Ya know what, it's working. I still have the occasional bad day but overall I'm in a much better spot than I've probably ever been. I look in the mirror and really like who's looking back at me (been a LONG time since I could say that). Basically I took back control of my life and took control of things that I can control (my changes, my decisions, and my actions).

So, when I tell you I know how you're feeling and I give you advice it's because I was in your shoes not too long ago. I don't like seeing anyone there and I know you can get out. You just have to "man up" and do it.

[Spartan]

I know not of this sexting or sex that you speak of...it's been a LONG time

Sigh...

Anyway, if you can do it with no expectations and it doesn't stress you out then by all means continue to do it. If you have expectations or you aren't comfortable then stop. If you're thinking about OM when you're doing it then you really need to stop because that's just F'n weird

Stop worrying about what it's doing to your M or your sitch. The only thing you need to be worrying about is you and if YOU're comfortable with it.

Make sense?