Sometimes it's hard to recognize any progress when you in the middle of a sitch. I really am making changes to better myself, and to become the person that I was when we first met. Sometime life's stressors bring out ugly sides to people and unfortunately that is all my husband can remember in me. But, I am hopeful that my consistant 180 will show him otherwise.
I just got sexually harassed at work by a fellow co-worker. Went out last week for a work related function with many other co-workers, and this particular person (we shall call him SH) came on to me. When i politely refused his advances, he started accusing me of of awful things, examples are: now I know why your husband left you, you have demons inside of you that you need to deal with, you are a bad friend, etc. Then he grabbed my hand and wouldn't let me leave to my car. luckily im a strong girl and pushed him off and was able to get away. I had witnesses to all of this.
I tried to ignore all of these things and chalked it up to alcoholic induced stupidity, and left with my best girlfriend for the night. When I woke up to go to work I saw that SH has left over 20 text messages for me saying that he wanted to talk to me and he was waiting outside the door of my home (at 2 in the Morning!!!!). I refused to answer any of his messages, unfortunately, they only progressed and SH became uglier and meaner. I had to report him to my supervisor at that point.
I huge investigation is now underway, I feel terrible because i know for a fact that I did not lead this person on....I have been separated but still wear my wedding ring and profess my love for my husband to everyone at work. And i am so not the flirtatious type anyway.
So my dilema, should I tell my H about this? My job has placed a restraining order on SH and a administrative stay away order as well. Will this make me look unattractive to my H? Will he get angry? I want to tell him because this is scary and in every other time in our lives I would have shared this with him. I just don't want to do anything that my hurt my chances to get back with my H.
If you didn't have children I would say share it if you want. Since you have kids, tell him. It's important that he knows that they are also in danger of this wackos harrassments since you was at your house at 2am! WACKO!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Today, I told my H about the work situation that I'm in. he was concerned and briefly angry at the harasser, but the cooled off and started making light of the situation (making jokes, saying that the problem is that im too pretty).
Well, he said that he still cared for me and wanted a strong friendship with me, because he likes me as well as cares for me. But, he doesn't want to confuse me and lead me on that we can get back together again. He says he likes talking to me (says i am highly intellectual counterpart), has fun hanging out with me, and enjoys my company. I chimed in "and we have a strong sexual connection", he laughed and said "are you trying to turning into the guy of the relationship and coming on to me right now", I said in a laughing voice "if you'll let me i will", he laughed and then said "its best if we don't open up that can of worms".
This is where I feel i screwed up. I said "if you say you still love me, and i love you why can't we give this another shot? Isn't love the basis for everything? I see now where we went wrong and I know your scared but I know I can give you what you need to make us happy". H said, "I wish you would have said that 6 months ago, as of right now i can't". I said, "I know you don't trust me. I respect your decision. I hope one day I can win back your trust so that you can let me back into your heart".
Here is the kicker folks: He said "Honey, I can't let you back in until you detach and I dont feel the pressure of the relationship on me. That is the only way I can let you back in". I said, "but I dont want you to think that my detachment means I don't love you anymore". H said "I will always know that you love me...just like you will always know that I love you". Lastly he said, "we are going to be like that couple in that movie 'its complicated' where the old divorced couple of 15-20 years hook up again and fall in love". I laughed and said "I truly hope it doesn't take that long".
So, we are supposed to go together to our S3 school recital tomorrow. On pins and needles on how that is going to go.
But, he doesn't want to confuse me and lead me on that we can get back together again.
Typical WAS talk. Like the DB 180 tip says, don't believe anything they say and only half of what they do.
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I chimed in "and we have a strong sexual connection"
Do not say things like that, that's pursuit. The WAS doesn't want the LBS to pursue them. The stronger the LBS pursues, the faster the WAS runs in the opposite direction.
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I said in a laughing voice "if you'll let me i will"
That sounds really clingy and desperate. Don't go there, you want to project PMA, you want to be a person with strong self-esteem that is fine with or without her H.
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This is where I feel i screwed up. I said "if you say you still love me, and i love you why can't we give this another shot? Isn't love the basis for everything? I see now where we went wrong and I know your scared but I know I can give you what you need to make us happy".
You're right, it was a screwup. It's pursuit and it's pressure. It's a reminder to him that the two of you do not want the same thing, that you're not on the same page. You need to detach! Pull back. Give him time and space. QUIT pursuing!!
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Lastly he said, "we are going to be like that couple in that movie 'its complicated' where the old divorced couple of 15-20 years hook up again and fall in love". I laughed and said "I truly hope it doesn't take that long".
Geesh. He needs to think he can lose you. Right now you're basically telling him you'll wait forever for him. You're setting yourself up to be plan B. You don't want to be the second choice, you want to be the first choice. Ask yourself what he found attractive in you to begin with. Was it clingy, needy, desperate behavior? I doubt it, I imagine you were strong and independent and he had to WORK to gain your attention. THAT is the person you need to be again. Quit pandering to him, find yourself! Become the strong, independent, attractive, elusive person you once were. THEN he may get interested again.
Yeah, I basically messed up. He said it himself....I need to detach. I'm already doing the GAL part, so that is not a hard thing to continue. So, that is the path i'm going to go down now. No more of me initiating contact, no more asking to make things work, and no more looking sad and hurt when he says he want to D.
You are so right, the person he fell in love with is the tough, independent me. He now says that he doesn't want that person...but I know that is not true in my heart.
He wants you guys to be buddies for life. No commitment but the friendship is there. This only tells you that you need to detach (with love).
That means go out and do things for yourself. Find yourself again. Enjoy your own company. Don't expect him to fulfill you.
I don't agree that he needs to think he can lose you. That will only bring him back because he's jealous and those reconciliations aren't firmly grounded.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
I can see that he wants to go down the friends route. I'm am really thinking of going "Dark" and limiting my contact with him in general. I obviously would talk to him in regards of the children...but no more "so how are you doing today" stuff. I feel like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. H contacts me to get his emotional fix and then leaves me hanging.He tells me enough to keep me on the back burner and committed (ex. "please don't tell me about other guys...I hate the thought of you being with someone else")...but tells me that I need to move on with my life.
I know I need to detach, and right now the only way I think I can accomplish that is by not talking or seeing him. I don't know if this is the right path for the relationship...but it might be the right path for my emotional stability and health.
I'll follow up with my DB coach in a few days and see what she recommends as well.
Couple days ago my H and I went to my sons Spring Concert.
It went well. he was pleasant and cordial. Kind of felt like old times, only differences was that there was not holding hands or overt displays of affection. But, he would call my "honey" (although I think it was more out of habit), and joke with me like we used to when we were together.
His parents (which are also divorced) also showed up and acted perfectly normal with me. Greeted me like they always did and made small talk with me to see how I was doing. When we all went to sit down in the auditorium...I saw that his parent sat together and were joking and chatting like old friends.
I then felt like it finally hit me...this is what H wants! He has seen this example of his parents and how they get along great after their D, and thinks that things will be the same with us. I was an eyeopener and very disappointing as well. I don't think I can do that. Why? Because I can only move forward with him im my life...not backwards.
So, I played it cool and departed amicably and warmly with H and his family. Gave absolutely no indication to anyone of what I was feeling. Kept a cheerful upbeat appearance. But, I think I am coming to the point where detachment "going dark" is needed, mostly for my own sanity. I'm starting to realize that I was the one that had the most to offer in our R, and he turned it down. I can't change his mind...only make myself happy. If he returns, it will be to a new woman. Old me is changing and falling in love with herself...and that feels pretty amazing
