Running out of steam

[mrtwopointfour]

Little confused on OP. Has your W not met him yet?

So i am led to believe, she told me this when i first discovered plans to meet, and also when i asked of she intended to. Recent event has made me doubt this now.

What specific things did your W complain about with you and/or M? I know you mentioned taking her for granted and not having independence but anything else?

Apparently a lot of little things that have all added up.

• I got stressed at kids and about them getting ill.
• I never really argued, more of stroppy teenager, would walk away or say 'yeah ok'
• Never shown enough affection. This kills me as I have so much to give now.
• Taken her for granted, herself as a person and what she does for us as a family
• Made her feel trapped, and untrusted - not entirely convinced on this one, but there are times where i would quiz about where / who she was meeting etc. Or be over protective when out and about.
• Not allowed her to have her own life. This is the most difficult. Never thought this was true, but now I see that we have both lived each others lives.
• Always showed my love and affection through nice gifts or doing things. But maybe that was a means to a 'treat' in return which makes me feel ashamed.
• My approach to sex was more of a quick stoke and hope, rather than seducing. And when that failed a sulk. Again ashamed.

Are they real and do you agree and understand what she means? Are these your only 180's?

They are real. I think some are what I think W wants. Some are in reaction to her reason for D.

My 180's

• Be happy, strong, optimistic
• Do more things around the house, little things.
• Play with kids, have fun, don't get angry just be firm and don't interrupt when W is talking to one of them or telling them off
• Don't text during day, don't keep asking how she is, care but don't over do it .
• Take K's out and do things
• GAL, get back together with friends and family.
• Don't pester about where she is going or what she has done - give space, don't smother
• Dress nice, look after self, be appealing
• Listen, listen, listen, acknowledge
• Don't worry about kids getting ill nothing we can do about it
• Don't like something just because W does. Have own views and opinions.

What type of mistakes are you making?

• Panic. Recent event made me panic visibly and wife noticed. Caused confrontation.
• Talking too much about R.
• Visible reaction when W mentions D
• Snooping. W noticed too on occasion.

'more importantly I have been protective and controlling, not in an obvious way, but maybe in a passive way'. Why do you think you feel the need to do this?

We have become too close, too good as friends, so she is my life. Fear of losing that i think.

What are you afraid of happening if you let her live her life?

Again, as above, my everything in my life. Basically what is happening now is what i feared. But my feared has helped cause this.

Are you tracking or keeping tabs?.

Yep have been, til now.

[mrtwopointfour]

Just putting this out there. W is sending a lot of emails and messages with a kiss at the end. Am I reading too much into this? Maybe just habit.

[Cadet]

2.4...first of all...breathe dude.....you are in panic mode.

Second of all, take time to answer all Spartan's questions and post them here.

Third...get out, exercise is best, especially for guys. Love your kids, keep mouth shut, stop snooping and BREATHE!!!!

Great advice IO,

Mr 2.4 I see you have added 4 more posts to the queue.

Here is a suggestion while you are waiting - Look up some of my welcome posts on the MLC forum.

Their is a ton of homework that I assign within those posts.

Start working on that.

One of the things that you will find out is that you are going to have a lot of TIME.
So make the best use of that TIME, that you possibly can.

And like Inside Out said, breathe.
Its may not seem like it right now but everything is going to be alright.

[sandi2]

Are you still here? You have to post in order to get past the moderation time. Post smaller ones and more often until you're off moderation.

Don't give up.

[Cadet]

Are you still here? You have to post in order to get past the moderation time. Post smaller ones and more often until you're off moderation.

Don't give up.

Yes he is still here, he added 4 posts since this morning.

It appears that the moderation is running behind and that is not his fault.

[sandi2]

Okay, good.

Stay with us, ROOS. Moderation won't last forever......I hope.

[mrtwopointfour]

Thanks cadet I will do that. I thought it had signs of MLC but wondered if I was just finding a way to categorise it to make myself feel like I could put it down to something

I am still waiting for my copy of DR. Will read [*] also 5LL which is started to read at lunch, but find it hard as it seems to talk about improving marriage, which at the moment I find depressing as I don't feel I have that luxury. Wish I had seen most of these books a year ago!

[mrtwopointfour]

Thanks Sandi2.

Read a fair few of your posts so really pleased you have taken time to check in on me.

[Cadet]

OK I believe all your posts have now shown up so this will bump you back to the top and we will need to re-read them all.

Sigh moderation here did not work too well.

Hopefully you will get off soon.

[VeryGrateful]

I am still waiting for my copy of DR. Will read [*] again tonight, and also 5LL which is started to read at lunch, but find it hard as it seems to talk about improving marriage, which at the moment I find depressing as I don't feel I have that luxury. Wish I had seen most of these books a year ago!

2.4 - sorry you are here and I understand what you are going through. Back in September I felt much like you do now. Panic. One thing I started at that time was a journal of this journey (yes, buckle in for the long haul). I'm glad I've done that. I look at my entries from September compared to now and realize I'm in a much better place, regardless of what happens with W and I

People on this website are great and very helpful and understanding.

Regarding books the ones you have listed have good information. Just remember you will not find a quick remedy in any of these books. Just useful information for yourself to learn and grow. I would still recommend 5LL. [*] One thing for me when comparing the [*] books to DR and this website - I believe DR and this website are much better at impressing that it is a long duration. It will not get fixed overnight.

How are you for a support network? People you can talk to confidentially (and not report back to your wife). People that will be compassionate towards you. I have 4 people I am able to talk with periodically and it is very helpful. Also, I'm in IC and that is good. Not only is it support but also helps me work on communications (which I know I need to improve).