Harder and harder

[Positivespin]

I just received my first 12:30am "I wont be home tonight" call....

Let me back up, The bomb dropped in early Jan. I received the ILYBNILWY speech, we were together too young, Ive been too distant the last eight months etc etc (I say that now after reading this board for two months)I ASKED HER IF THERE WAS SOMEONE ELSE- SHE SAID NO. It turned my world upside down and I just started crying and shaking- we stayed up all night talking and drinking tea but I couldnt stop the shake.

The next day I left work early and began to put my "ducks in a row" I spoke with my therapist and got a referral to a MC. My wife agreed to attend- but it was 3 weeks away. I spent the next week begging and pleading.

We have a beautiful 3 YO little girl who is the second love of my life (with my wife). I was hesitant when my wife proposed to me because she had a affair previously ( 10+ years ago -but she came back)I was also VERY reluctant to have a child because I have a mental illness (controlled/stable for 15 years)because I didnt want to pass it on to her and I was emotionally abused as a child.

(Let me try to reel this in)

My Therapist asked me if I thought there was a PA and I immed said "No- But their prob is a EA". In late Jan we had a very long talk where she finally admitted to a 2 year long affair almost 15 years ago and she told me that back in October she posted on a adult site that specializes in extramarital affairs. I ASKED HER AGAIN IF THERE WAS SOMEONE ELSE- SHE SAID NO. The next day I found this site and went out and bought DB.

In early Feb she came home and she had "Bruising" on her neck. I confronted her and she finally admitted to it.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Francis Bacon

Keep Posting but have patience for your posts to show up

[Cadet]

DETACH is suppose to read DETACH

It is the single best piece of advice that you can get.

You must let her go if you ever want to have any hope of getting her back.

It is counterintuitive like most of DB.

Keep posting.

[Hopefulmotherof2]

I agree with Cadet. No more chasing...GAL and let her actually miss you for a change. Have you found out the reason for the affair BTW? It is necessary to know the reason in order to reverse it.

[Positivespin]

Thanks cadet! I am working very hard on this and am VERY focused.

I am in a separate bedroom but still in the house. My 180s are-
I used to drink 2-3 adult beverages a night - not one since the bomb
Drop below 200 lbs - lost 38 lbs so far ...27 to go
Complete a 5k on July 4
Pay off all debt on credit report

My wife still interacts with me -she initiates conversation and I stay positive and I've stopped reading her texts and snooping computer history but I still backslide with exposing emotion. Yesterday morning when she came home while holding my d I looked at her and said We miss you........I know I need to stop that and am working Very hard at it.

I'm here because you are all the most positive people I have ever "met" and I read all of your posts and am amazed. I need a lot of friends who can help guide me in this because we are not past gone-but I need to work on myself first and protect that beautiful little princess of mine

[Positivespin]

Well tonight I was given next weeks schedule-she will be staying with her "friend" on Monday and tue night. I held back and replied "ok" . I went into the other room and did deep breathing exercises. Then came out and had a good night with my wife and daughter.

My wife offered to go with my parents to breakfast on Sunday and then to my friends with me later that afternoon- following the advice here all I did was offer yesterday. We will see what actually happens.

She slipped up and called me "honey" tonight. As soon as I began to read my daughter stories my wife disappeared into her room and shut the door-it's an hour later and silence. I'm trying to detach and it still hurts-ALL of my eggs are in the DB basket and all of you are all I have

I'm out of the house with friends tomorrow working on my big project...two weeks to go before this monster is off my shoulders- Then I'm thinking hobby.......perhaps martial arts? Isit ok to start at 37? LOL

[Positivespin]

I have done a real good job for the last two months.....on sat night-I failed. I came home and there was a brand new toothbrush and hairbrush in her briefcase. That was my trigger. I confronted her.
She claims that she thought I was ok with being roommates because I never said anything about her being out and she thinks I live in fantasy land if I think we can get back together. She stated that when we first went to mc we still had a chance but that everything the mc said just confirmed her feelings-we are not compatible.
She has been gone the last two nights. I have not seen her nor heard from her. This am my 3yo asked me where is mommy, why isn't mommy here, I want mommy and daddy. I told her that mommy is away she is not here and mommy and daddy love her....then I tickled her.
My wife is home tonight and my little angel got to spend a lot of time withher. At what point is one a doormat? She came over and brought her dirty laundry with her. I'm glad my wife is at home .

[Breakdown]

I'm sorry you are here. I can hear the pain in your words...I know this is difficult. Hang in there...listen to the advice you'll get her and really think about the questions you're asked.

How long have you been M? How long together? Why did your W have the previous A?

My 180s are-
I used to drink 2-3 adult beverages a night - not one since the bomb
Drop below 200 lbs - lost 38 lbs so far ...27 to go
Complete a 5k on July 4
Pay off all debt on credit report

These aren't really 180s...seem more like goals. They are good, but it's not quite the same. For instance, if every time your W is late you jump her case, the 180 would be to not say anything.

Have you read DR? If not, do that first. When you're finished, check out 5LL.

What do you think the problems are in the M? What were her complaints?

My wife still interacts with me -she initiates conversation and I stay positive and I've stopped reading her texts and snooping computer history but I still backslide with exposing emotion. Yesterday morning when she came home while holding my d I looked at her and said We miss you........I know I need to stop that and am working Very hard at it.

First, great...you are starting. You have to stop pursuing her though. Don't try to make her feel guilty either. You need to try to turn the focus off what what she is doing and turn it on what you are doing.

This whole process is difficult, but we'll help you work your way thru it. Couple of things to think about:

- Self respect. Your W won't respect you unless you respect yourself. Set boundaries and enforce them. This is a tough topic but the sooner you start thinking about it, the better.
- GAL. This will keep you sane.
- Focus on you and your D.

[reb9597]

Have you read 5 Love Languages? That would be key to communicating your feelings in a non verbal or threatening way. Anything you say now could push her away further, but showing her love in her language will help. Especially if she's still partially in your home.

It does get easier. It seems impossible now, but with time you'll learn a lot about your self and your relationship. Learn as much as you can, it took me way too long.

Like BD wrote, GAL and focus on daughter is really important. She'll need a stable parent in her life especially now.

Hang in there.

[jp787]

I have done a real good job for the last two months.....on sat night-I failed.

You may of had a stepback, you did not fail. Try not to use these words on yourself.

She stated that when we first went to mc we still had a chance but that everything the mc said just confirmed her feelings-we are not compatible.

MC may be more harmful at this point in your sitch.

She has been gone the last two nights. I have not seen her nor heard from her. This am my 3yo asked me where is mommy, why isn't mommy here, I want mommy and daddy. I told her that mommy is away she is not here and mommy and daddy love her....then I tickled her.

I think this was great, you focused on your D and her well being.