Should you be friends with your WAS if that's all they want at the time?
Me:34 W:26 Together:5yrs M:6/4/11 1st bomb 11/11 2nd bomb 1/21/13 W files for D 3/18/13 She's living with her mom S:13 Previous marriage S:11 Previous marriage She has OM Previous FWB
I say friendly and friends up to a certain point. At times Ithink my WAS is wanting to be friends or friendly just for me to help her with things. But at the same time I want her to realize what life will be like without me. Thats just my opinion on my sitch though. I think my wife has a very unrealistic view of what will actually happen if we divorce
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
I agree with you completely. I feel like my W needs to see what life is like without me for any true change to happen on her part. But then wonder if I don't talk to her she may find someone else to talk to. But that's on her. Thanks for your response
Me:34 W:26 Together:5yrs M:6/4/11 1st bomb 11/11 2nd bomb 1/21/13 W files for D 3/18/13 She's living with her mom S:13 Previous marriage S:11 Previous marriage She has OM Previous FWB
I think there are different opinions there. It is very fine line. When you are separated with no definite outcome, you want to stay friendly to keep up the lines of communication open. But you don’t want to be friends to the extend you were while you were in your relationship. WAS needs to miss this friendship and emotional closeness. I’m still trying to figure this out for myself. My H said that he wants to be friends, but he doesn’t show anything to support this. Unless friends for him means not talking to me for months.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
This is actually very nuanced. In general, if you want to save your marriage, you DO need to be friendly with your WAS.
The nuance is in HOW you do it. The WAS needs to wonder what you are doing and IF you are available to them emotionally. If they just assume you are, and your actions betray that, then there is *no hurry* for them to think about what they're doing, because you are the insurance policy on their shelf.
The general rule is to treat them as you would a neighbor or a friendly co-worker. You'll be friendly, polite, and courteous, and may extend small favors, but you're not going to go out of your way to make overtures, and you're not going to bend over backwards.
Don't be too available, don't be needy. Be friendly, but detached. You want to sun to appear to be shining over your head -- no storm clouds.
Anything you do to attempt to punish them or "make them face what they've done", or "teach them what it will be like without you" will more than likely backfire. It has to be loving distance, not spiteful neglect.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
No it was just weird I hadnt talk to her in a week then she called Saturday asking how i was and then Saturday night i had a friend over (male) she must have drove by and called and texted me in the morning and was being flirty the next day when i called to see what she wanted. Talking about she hates sleeping alone and wanted to come over in the middle of the night and get in bed. Then we talked for a few days. And then she started complaining about not having any money so i said well you have options you can come home. then she said aww stop it. That crushed me and then i pushed for what she wanted and told her i can't be friends with her cause it kills me emotionally and if she needs anything to call but I can't just be friends that i have plenty of friends and i want her as a wife and if she wanted to do the friend thing towards reconciling that was different. Guess I blew it
Me:34 W:26 Together:5yrs M:6/4/11 1st bomb 11/11 2nd bomb 1/21/13 W files for D 3/18/13 She's living with her mom S:13 Previous marriage S:11 Previous marriage She has OM Previous FWB
Sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. She seems to probably not like the fact that you are moving forward with your life. I would be friendly, but not friends. Work on you! Fix the things that you can and try your best to worry about what she is doing
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
You didn't blow it, dust off and keep going. Friendly distance is good. You want her to feel attraction toward you again and women don't feel that way toward guys in the friend zone, so I think you did fine. Just never point out that they can just come home. You want them to want to come home but wonder if you will have them. Nice and friendly but not readily available -- develop some mystery about what you're up to
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
