I am married now for 15 years..Me 40, H41. Adopted our beautiful boy 5 years back..First 5 years of M more happy , though struggled with h's reaction to slights, barbs .. funny remarks were blown out of proportion as a huge attack on his personality.. used to fight cry and make up.. Then came along father in law's cancer.. mother in law a npatient of depression..Lost FIL to cancer.. Then came along infertility.. 7 years of treatments .. Then lost brother-in law to depression and suicide.. Then comes our beautiful baby.. i was totally immersed in the joys and pains of mommy land.. slowly started walking around egg shells with my H..reached a point where i stopped bothering with the sensitive topis and he started withdrawing off and on.. March, april 12 barely spoke.. bomb dropped may12.. been unhappy for a long time .. wants to live his life.. cant commit to me.. not into me.. not into marraige.. have not done anything regarding weight, appearance and so on.. yelped liked an animal.. begged his forgiveness.. utter madness and helplessness.. told me about small EA's one big EA.. likes to chat with women..go out for lunches. and so i begin to do do all things on Not to do list of DB.. along with the to do list.. losing weight and getting a new look was the easiest part 7 pounds in 3 days.. lost all weight it took me 5 years to lose.. Unknowingly played pursuer chaser game..had some good days, some bad days.. did 180 on certain things,.. H sees attn on 1/01/13.. discusses custody.. watches me fall apart and barely reacts. hears me crying like a dog on the bathroom floor , puts a pillow on his ear and continues to sleep. Continue 180 and DB and buy time.. say i need to visit a counsellor .. he says for what. refuses to discuss with anyone.. did find an OW along the way.. do not confront him with the name,.. counsellor says i am a perfectionist with a critical attitude.. come home and cry a bit more.. H says will go to explain clearly why he wants to divorce.. the counsellor ask him if either of his parents had depression and a small window opens,,He trusts the therapist when she says he is having mild depression.. she tells me all extramarital affairs are a sign of depression.. they look at it as a mood enhancer.. no love from mother root cause for him seeking emotional support elsewhere.. He suddenly is looking at this differently..
Want to add that these forums have helped me during my darkest hours.. to all the bravehearts here all..
You are all trying to do the right thing for ur kids, for ur selves and also for ur CS/MLC'ers.. Doing something right cant take you some place wrong .. Hang in there.. We have a long journey ahead of us..Yest was a small baby step.. i do hope we keep moving towards the right path.. love
hoper me-40,H41 M-15 S-6 Looks like MLC,living together
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Just want to start by saying this board has been a life line, kept me calm and sane during the last few months. Hugs and a big thank you.. M-40 H-41 S-6 Bomb-may12 M-15 Mil a patient of depression since 30 years We have a rocky marraige, h having severe low esteem issues. Families from different economic backgrounds.. First 5 years devoted to making a career , buying a house.. Fil detected with cancer, me took a break from work to nurse him..fil passes away in 2003 H always had issue with my folks.. A random comment always misconstrued and thrown back at me.. We began infertility treatments.. Went through 3 miscarriages..think I went through my mini version of Mlc .... Where did not adequate care of myself, house and him.. His brother too a patient of depression.. Unfortunately commits suicide in 2005 We adopt in 2007.. The light of our lives our son.. Me go bonkers over my boy.. H I believe felt neglected.. Bomb may 12 claims had an EA, in 2005 just before brother..claims flirtatious with women.. No feelings for me.. Removes all my flaws.. And our fights each and every single one of them over the last 15 yrs.. Never loved me.. Hates my mind, body, my negativity.. Ask him why did he adopt then.. Says it happened can't ruin my life because of my son Says he wants a d, changes his mind.. Me start 180.. Discover ow.. An LV strutting business lady, single mom to a 4 yr old.. We had met her on a trek.. Jan 13 he visits lawyer.. I say I want counseling...counselor says he has depression.. He tells me he does not want to die from it just like his brother. ThAt our relationship is giving him this.. Last session he says he wants to try separation And tells me to move to my parents..I refuse asking him to move out.. He says this will back fire as I am for forcibly trying to hold on.. What do I do? Do these ow 's really believe all these crazy h sob stories.. Who is the wackier of the 2?
Me guilty of taking my parents view 0ver his in certain issues..for the last 4 yrs no such incident.. A rehash of old ones ..is what he dishes out to the counselor..says he can't forgive and forget...
Very sorry you are going through so much heartache. It hurts so much to go through all this - I have spent my own time "crying like a dog on the bathroom floor" (closet for me though) I know what you're talking about. Everyone here does, I think.
So this is a good place for you - you are among friends. Please post often, let us get to know you.
Hang in there.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Is refusing to move out on account of financial protection a sign of counter db... He does not want to leave the house .. Expects me to move in with my folks.. Any one here with some advice..
hoper me-40,H41 M-15 S-6 Looks like MLC,living together
Welcome to the sane side of MLC ... those trying to decipher our spouses weirdness. Depression is really a part of MLC.
We've all been through varying degrees of craziness, and varying lengths of time. I've been here for 7 years? I think. Time becomes such a strange thing when you GAL. I've been at uni for most of this time, and every now and then, I look at my "marriage" and wonder why I'm still here, married to H. I think it's because he's not a mean MLCer, just depressed, distant, cheating (but not in my face), doesn't love me, but cares. I think sometimes that maybe I would've gotten over all this quicker if he had been mean and angry.
Anyway, that's my story, in a nutshell. Most are similar. My advice is get your financial life sorted out for the sake of protection, and get yourself a life separate to his ... hobbies, further studies, gym, just getting out to a movie every now and then is good ... always, of course, taking into consideration your S6.
Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
From what i have gathered from this board my sitch does seem like MLC..
As in all good memories erased.. no significance to the decision behind adopting.. indifference to impact on a doting child.. a child who thinks he is the ultimate dad.
however he has affaired up.. our marraige was not fantastic as indicated by many sitches here pre bomb.. claims a need to flirt has been there since 8 years .. started with an EA which lasted 3 months around the time of my miscarraige where i was physically and emotionally unavailable to him. yes it does indicate he has been in replay for the last 8 years .. this time ow also available and crisis seems more intense.. interms of getting a slip disc.. (depression depletes vitaminnn D in the body).. so is this mlc considering a rocky marraige pre bomb and affaired up so to speak.. also agree with some people here that MC does not help in mlc cases as he just keeps reiterating those 15 yr old issues and adds more along the conversation..picks up something the counselor says, twists to his advantage and feels validated and vindicated.. by the end of the session feel like banging both their heads together , her for givinng him a small crack to barge in !! counselor feels a seperation will give him some clarity..he refuses to move out..
shd i ask the counselor to convince him to move out..he has said he will move out of the bedroom if i dont move out and technically we are seperated as per laws over here.. any thoughts..
hoper me-40,H41 M-15 S-6 Looks like MLC,living together
