I need to start reading the following posts before replying. What 25 said
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
I just read this whole thread again. There are MANY questions I've asked you that would help you
if you could face them and answer them. Please don't ignore them. I feel pretty useless here when it comes to helping you, b/c you repeat the same "WHEN can I DO more to get her back? Do I have to wait ONE month or TWO???"
and those are absolutely silly questions at the moment. Plus you still won't dig deep. You still sound shallow when it comes to any self awareness. As if you truly do not know how your comments are viewed and as if you really don't pick up on how your actions are seen. That's a real problem for you.
Read over the early posts Bruce. So many unanswered questions and advice you never seem to act on. I want to know what you OWN of how you got here - and what you want to change about yourself.
I want to know what you plan on doing in June when the permanent orders come in if you don't like them?
And you mention that you have still not paid arrears...So all that whining about how much SHE is getting and how YOU are being screwed financially, Certainly was not the whole truth.
Are you doing any GAL now? And what are you working on for your personal changes?
What are the 180s in you that YOU want to work on?
don't blow these questions off just because they require thought. You come here and do your "diary entries" and you seek advice always with the same goal,
but what I want to know is how you are changing yourself. You admit you lack the coping tools for setbacks in life.
So, what are you going to do when life gives you a curve ball?
You really can't just flee to South Africa like you think you can...but there ARE tools out here.
What's it going to take before you avail yourself of them?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
where'd you go? Are you shopping for your son, joining something to GAL,
or giving up?
We're still here.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
hi, I haven't checked in for a while but it's a good sign I haven't worried so much lately and I suppose it means slow healing.
The last thing to date is that I sent an e-mail to W saying I wanted to meet because I want to give her share of money without the lawyers, and we would save ourselves money. She replied she needed time to think about it. My intention is not to trick her or something, but really to give her what she is entitled to. I don't want her to have anything to hold against me. Eventually she will have to see that I am not as bad as she wants to depict me and it will be the beginning of a process of healing for her. Needless to say that I am also counting on God to do healing and transformation of her mind and heart. I myself have gone way into transformation, and I can sincerely say that I am a nicer person, a different man from what I was 9 months ago.
This coming weekend I will have my S from friday evening to sunday noon. I and he enjoy the time we spent together. I haven't proposed yet to discuss about how we will share our S but I expect my W to be still a lil bit reluctant to concede 50% of the time. It's my biggest worry for the moment and I have until end of june to manage well this issue.
Other than that I am managing well my emotions. I am happy where I am, I am content in life, and I don't even know how this happened, I don't complain anymore about everything. Too bad I had to go through search the horrible experience to understand this. I will keep you posted, in the meantime keep well. Yours, Bruce.
Me:34 ; W:28 Son: almost 2. Married : 14 March 2009 DBomb : 18 June 2012 Separated since Jan 2012 (different countries) Same country and city since July 2012
Hi, w replied she's okay we discussing the money but she wants to do it through e-mail. Sigh...
I wonder how I should respond...
Anyone?
what do you mean "how" to respond? Respond in writing like she asked, and for two additional reasons.
1) she asked you to respond in writing, so she can see if this is yet another maneuver of yours to get personal contact with her, which she is NOT ready for and has been consistently clear about, for months...
and
2) so you can document what is agreed to, (which may also be HER reason for wanting it in writing). No one can later dispute what was agreed upon. I'd always suggest a couple put in writing whatever they say or think they said, they agreed to.
Make sense?
Stop attaching your emotions to the outcome. Be in the moment, enjoy the present gift of time with your son
and STOP expecting her to change by June...
what if she doesn't come around to your way of thinking by then? It's barely over a month away.
What then?
Why all the expectations? that's the thing we HAMMER to you all the time but you refuse to hear it.
Stop expecting HER to change to fit your wants, let alone so darn fast.
Your changes, meaning the changes you SAY you have made, have not been seen by her for very long at all.
Why should she believe that you are so different now than before, that she'd readily agree to half time with your son?
MAYBE the court will agree, , in time.
You cannot rush that.
I have a bad feeling about your time line and how often you mention a date.
As if something bad will happen if the world does not cooperate with your vision by a certain time line...
As if you are owed something more and if you do not get it,
then what?
Bruce, if nothing else is learned here, learn how to adapt
and sometimes, that means making the best of the cards you are dealt.
Not cashing out, or folding, or giving up on your son.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
OK, No need to get all worked up. I replied I was okay with beginning with emails, but that I wasn't comfortable with discussing numbers at distance and that we would have to meet at least once eventually. Then I said my goal was to give her what was hers and if possible to do her good. Truth is, I really am happy now and I feel good enough to just give her the money, and carry on. With her would be better, but even without I'll do fine. Still, let me ask you guys if there's something I'm missing here, or if there are pitfalls I should avoid? Thanks for your wisdom. Bruce
Me:34 ; W:28 Son: almost 2. Married : 14 March 2009 DBomb : 18 June 2012 Separated since Jan 2012 (different countries) Same country and city since July 2012
Bruce, i've been following along, but havent posted.
i think you've come a long way, and now you're ready to begin. here are my thoughts.
always check your motivations.
Your motivation should be to become the best father you can be. To be the most honorable man you can be.
nothing beyond that. not to win back your wife. not to convince her to look at you a certain way.
You are your sons role model, live your life in such a way that he will grow up thinking "my father is amazing, he taught me everything, prepared me for everything, showed me everything, gave me everything he could. HE is who I want to be".
look at all the other parents, and pull together the best from each of them. do research.
pack yourself a duffle bag of balls, kites, bubble soap, ropes, scooters, frisbees, balloons and a pump, etc. be creative.
pack another bag with a change of his clothes, wipes, snacks, band aids, rain gear, bathing suits, towels, etc. be prepared.
keep these bags with you at all times.
prepare for days with your son with the same rigor you would prepare for a backpacking trip.
do all these things because you love your son. NOT to SHOW anyone what a great father you are trying to be.
simply be a great father. and know this is reward enough.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
