Since then, I had first phone session with Jodi a couple days ago and she had some good tips, but now I'm confused by the outcome...
My H moved out abruptly almost 8 months ago. We haven't had a lot of communication since then, mostly from his end, so I've been kind of following the 180 and NC by default.
Jodi said to be consistent in my dealings with him - don't be angry one time, crying next time, nice the next time. Okay I can do that... she also said to be friendly, or more specifically "neighborly". He attended a concert for our daughter last Saturday so after I hung up with Jodi I reached out to H and sent him a neighborly text, how'd he like the concert (our daughter was a featured soloist). He replied and we had a couple text exchanges then he said "you deserve a big congratulations!! You put a lot of time, effort, patience and love to make that happen. Thank you. You're an amazing mother". And I replied "thank you so much. our daughters are a credit to both of us".
My head is spinning, because we've had no contact or angry/sad contact for the past 8 months and now he was being very generous with a compliment.
Then he sent a couple benign texts today about his car & daughter again.
MY CONFUSION is, normal texting feels like I'm permitting his abandonment. Feels like I'm making it SO easy to push me firmly aside and for him to pat himself on the back and say "see? it turned out okay and we can still be friends". But, as Jodi said, friendship is an improvement on our relationship as it stands now. And friendship will either 1) help with his relationship with daughters or 2) be something to build on in our relationship.
I totally understand that, but am having a really hard time removing my heart from the scenario and reconciling my brain to continue in "friend mode".
I agree with developing the friendship. I had Jody as a coach. Did she go through the stages with you? Friendship is where I began in my reconnection with my H. It helped a lot. You don't have to gush over it..just treat him like a neighbor. Friendly and polite. It sounds to me like the friendly text is exactly what was needed to break the ice. I know we all do this but don't overthink it too much and take it slow.
The way I look at it is this. Since we have children together, how do I want that to go? Will be "punishing him" or "teaching him a lesson" do anything to help a co-parenting R with my H? Nope. He's in my life forever. How would I like that to go. When I think of my kids, its much easier to be nice to him and not worry what it's "condoning". One of us needs to be an adult.
Just like MWD says, one person can effect change.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Galbaby, no didn't discuss stages. Can you share? I'll try not to overthink. It's part of my trying to control too much. I'm a take charge kind of person and have never truly been at the mercy of my husband's decisions. Can't quite figure out how to take charge of my own life for more than 20 min at a time though...
normal texting feels like I'm permitting his abandonment
One thing to embrace is that you can't "permit" his abandonment. You can't control it, so appearing to condone it or condemn it is only in your head.
We all have pride issues when this happens. People who betray us should be punished and should suffer. You need to do a gut-check about what's more important to you -- your pride, or reconciling your marriage?
If you decide it's reconciling your marriage, then you have to act on that basis and put the rest in the back seat for now. That does NOT mean you should be a doormat -- you shouldn't. In fact, it's the best time to create healthy boundaries and establish what you will and will not accept.
If you respond to your H in an angry, sad, or punishing manner, then you will make him feel badly when he interacts with you, and as a result he will avoid interacting with you entirely.
In a marriage, we feel we are owed some level of common courtesy and respect, but as you will read here, the case of a walkaway spouse, that expectation is usually sorely disappointed, and continuing to cling to it just hurts your ability to progress.
Instead, you have to adopt the mindset that you are owed NOTHING, and that your feelings about what has transpired will need to be worked out on your own rather than jointly -- for now.
When you act neighborly and friendly, you make yourself "safe" for H to approach and interact with. If you are safe, he may rediscover all the things he liked about you to begin with because the black cloud over your head has been lifted.
This is a conscious choice YOU make to save your marriage, because God knows he's done the wrong thing, but there is simply nothing you can do about his actions.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
reb...I am so happy you asked the questions you have...I have been wondering the same thing to...is being nice to H saying "see she is okay with this and I am a good man for doing this right now" this is not what I want H to take from our interactions....
I also and very controling at time and has also added to getting us to where we are...and it is driving me nuts to be at H's mercy too!
Trying to stay focused on what I need to do for me and s, and get my stuff together...have been doing a lot of decluttering around the house...but eventually I am going to run out of things to do...
Joining Weight Watchers this week...before BD I had been exercising consistently and eating well and since I have exercised once...
Now I have still lost weight mostly because of not remembering to eat...but need to get back on track...
I did by some self help books for myself that have been helping to not focus all on the divorce...I do also have DR and three other books on relationships....if I had only put this effort in before we would not be here
Be careful not to read too many books. All of sudden you become the expert and might want to start telling your H how this can be fixed. Unfortunately it's the last thing thy want to hear from you. I learned this the hard way
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
