Treading water

[VeryGrateful]

This has been a wierd past few days. W and I have been getting along extremely well. She has been more talkative with more eye contact since BD. She sat in the same room with me to watch TV ( this doesn't happen).
So what's the problem?

First, it makes it extremely hard to detach when she is acting like this. It is easier to detach when I am not around her so much. She has gone out of her way to talk to me this weekend.

Grizz, maybe re-read what detaching is. To me that is not letting your W's actions impact you. If she is joining you for conversation or tv watching or eating you should engage that. The eye contact is good. Just have relaxed conversations with no expections of a breakthrough. No R talk unless she brings it up. Take advantage of these moments to rebuild with your W. This should be rebuilding trust with her. Remember, many small steps (like these) in the right direction is much better than a giant leap forward (only to fall back).

Now the worst part....Mind reading. I walked downstairs and W was on the computer. As I turned the corner she couldn't get her screen/browser closed fast enough. Me being stupid and thinking that things may be a little better with her change in attitude has now gotten to me. Now I don't think things are any different at all.

Mind reading
Expectations
Not detaching

ALL BAD!

Yes, mind reading, expectations, and not detaching. For all you know what she was doing on the computer may well have had nothing to do with you. Or maybe she was posting something positive about you. Who knows. It doesn't matter. You can't analyze the heck out of these things. When you see her at the computer give her space and let her type away and do what she is going to do and don't let it impact you. To me, that is detaching.


Grizz, are you a big reader? Why don't you get an inspirational book about someone surviving against all odds (that has nothing to do with marriage). I have a suggestion - "Unbroken" by Laura Hillenbrand. Truly an amazing story that will get your mind on other things. Ok, I lied, there is a little bit on marriage crisis of the main character at the end of the book but it is a small part of the book.

[ThisDayForward]

Grizz I do feel for you. I went through it. It is difficult. My W use to txt me pictures of the family bunny during the day and then treat me like an a z z 6 hours later. Just remember its on them. She would do the same things to me. Close laptop once I walked in from work. Flip phone over.

For now don't worry about what she is doing on laptop ok. Continue to work on yourself. She might be putting you up to tiny little tests to see how you REACT.

I think my W through every thing at me in a 6 month period after 2nd bomb drop. I did not react ONCE. You're doing a great job not reacting. Do not get baited. Keep doing your work. Keep working on your broken sandbox. You need to clean this up. If your W sees YOU making consistent changes then eventually you would hope she would want to change.

Let me give you a real life example. For years (3 1/2 to be exact). My W blamed me for her anxiety, depression, and nervous breakdowns. You know what she showed me last night. An article describing everything she was going through. You know where she is going tonight? Reiki. (japanese stress reduction using mind healing) My point you ask? I gave my wife space and time to figure out that I was not the reason for her health issues. She has decided finally to try to address them and take the focus off me.

Again I am GLAD this happened to me grizz. I am glad my W threw me out of the house. I am glad my W called me out on how terrible of a H I was. I am glad my W didn't talk to me for 6 months the second time around. She gave me a GIFT. She gave me time to look inward at my flaws and start to correct them. Without this gift I would have never attended EE or discovered that I was an ACOA'r.
Grizz use the gift to fix you. NOT for your W for you and your future relationships. Your R with your W as you know is over. Hopefully you can have a NEW one with the new you. Get it?

[jp787]

I appreciate this post. Thank you. ^^^

[Grizz]

Luke, as crazy as it sounds, I have been giving her more space while on the phone and computer. Last night she was ordering birthday gifts for D which we were talking about. When I walked in the room I just assumed that was what she was still doing so I didn't think that I needed to give her space.

Grateful, thanks for the thoughts. I have been trying to build on the change in W attitude. I have stayed upbeat while around her. It has taken me 4 months to get to the point of not being down when I am around her. It is still hard but it is becoming easier. I am not a big reader however that is one thing that I have been trying to do more of. I googled your book and it does sound interesting. I might look into getting it.

PON, it amazes me the similarities that you have mentioned when I describe my sitch. I guess that is good for me since you have been there and can give me a heads up on what to expect. Admittedly I used to be TERRIBLE at not reacting but I have come a long way recently. I really like your quote about, keep working on your broken sandbox. Clean your mess up. I am definitely learning about patience that I never thought I had.

Thanks guys for the encouragement. Looks like I will be starting thread #3 shortly as this one is over 100 posts. I wish I could name it something other than "treading water" but I think at this point that is still where I am.

[swoop]

I don't have much to offer at the moment, Grizz. But, I wanted to catch up on your sitch. Sounds like you're doing great! Stay strong, my friend.