Plus, who's to say he is really MLC? He may be. But guess it doesn't really get treated much differently anyway.
I was reading thru some other posts this morning and someone was talking about how their H asks questions when they are going somewhere and is concerned they may meet a new man. As someone replied there, it does seem like they want to use it as an excuse to validate them leaving.
This may sound awful but it has been on my mind and I need to get it out somewhere. It is so hard as an LBS to not give into temptations sometimes. I want to work things out with H, truly I do. But when you are feeling left behind, uncared for, unloved and a million other things, and someone else wants to give you that, it's hard to say no. Don't get me wrong - I did say no, nothing happened, and I haven't talked with the guy again. But it's hard. I pray a lot and listen to music that lets me know that the greatest love comes from God and he gives me all of the love and attention I truly need.
It's difficult to not use this other person in a mean way as well. When H was accusing me of things Sunday morning I said I was home in bed alone, because I chose to be not because I needed to be. I honestly didn't mean for it to sound mean, but he was hurt by it. Well, it's the truth tho. I have avoided giving details about the other guy - he's 24, etc - because I would only do it to make H jealous. And I just shouldn't do that.
Just needed to let it out, surely someone else has dealt with this.
I'm only 4 months into this and sometimes I just feel like I'm wasting time. Time for what? I'm not totally sure. As I posted in the other thread, I keep having thoughts about my biological clock ticking. And I jsut want things to be 'normal' again.
Kind of expected someone to hit me with a 2x4 here. I know these aren't good feelings to have, and I'm trying to work thru it. Surely someone identifies. I signed up for a DB phone coach. Completed it online so don't have a scheduled appointment yet. Does anyone suggest a retain coach?
The part you are not getting is that he is PROJECTING on you. He is trying to make this your fault. In his mind it could never be his fault.
Sorry that more people were not posting on your thread in MLC but I will give you something from my archives about how to get more people to post on your thread.
To get more replies my suggestion is to ask questions. Put you post down in a readable fashion. (not one big block of type- ie hit carriage return frequently). KISS = Keep it simple stupid Post on other peoples threads and give them support. You may not think you are qualified but you will be surprised that you may know something or have some knowledge of something that others know nothing about. Personally thank each poster that does post on your thread or ask them a follow up question.
Right Cadet, that's what I meant about his using it to validate his leaving. He doesn't give me an opportunity to explain before jumping to crazy texts. As if I control other people...
Thank you for the information about posting, I do tend to get wordy
I'll try to post more on others threads - but most of the time I don't feel like I have good advice to add.
...are they really just waiting around for the LBS to do the dirty work (file)?
Hi LMF, I'm in much the same boat you are, BD in mid Oct'12 and my W turned into a complete alien in less than a day. She strongly implied divorce that first day, but didn't actually say it.
Since, however, she has brought it up several times, and said she doesn't like to see me in pain and it will be best for me to move on. The last time we talked about it was Valentines Day (so thoughtful). The thing is, by the way she talks about it, I get the distinct impression she's never even really looked into it. On V-day, she said, "I am going to file", then proceeded to ask me what I wanted to do; .."share a lawyer, find a mediator, whatever you want to do." I told her I would think about it, but told myself I wouldn't lift a finger to help her.
Some of them do want the LBS to pull the trigger. It allows them to say, "look, even my H/W thinks we had a bad marriage", or "my H/W divorced me.. , or internally "I knew I wasn't worthy of their love". So often, I think they will threaten the big D, but never actually make the move.
The irony is that I have been looking into it. I can see why MLCers/WAS's don't often initiate divorce, this sh#t is hard. There are many forms to fill out and lots to think about, and I don't think the scatter-brained alien W has transformed into could slog through this without a lot of assistance. She has no money for an attorney, so that may be a motivator for getting me to do it also. I've got all the paperwork, even filled some of it out, calculated child support as best I can, etc. (while sobbing and blubbering uncontrollably)
Everything in my being is telling me the only way to really cut her loose is to really cut her loose. When I'm done (which feels very close), I will be done. I will probably give it until the end of March, if she doesn't file first. I can tell you though, I am really sick of this. I just can't imagine a life with her after everything she has done and said. My sense of trust and romantic love for her is gone. Sorry to be so negative. J.
Me42 W41 D10,D15 T25 M23 LYBNILWY 09/12 OEA 08/12(?)-ended? 01/13 Sep 01/13 I file 04/13 1rst D hearing 06/13 Currently in mediation
Plus, who's to say he is really MLC? He may be. But guess it doesn't really get treated much differently anyway.
It can be difficult to tell the difference and you're right, for the most part it doesn't really matter. You've still got to detach and GAL regardless. MLC's take much longer to resolve as a rule, that's the main difference.
Quote:
I was reading thru some other posts this morning and someone was talking about how their H asks questions when they are going somewhere and is concerned they may meet a new man. As someone replied there, it does seem like they want to use it as an excuse to validate them leaving.
The irony is a WAS involved in an affair becomes VERY suspicious of the LBS even if the LBS is doing nothing! I guess they think that because they're having an affair that their spouse must be too. They'll engage in all kinds of craziness- snooping, contacting friends to find out what the LBS is up to, etc. I know a woman whose adulterous husband wanted HER to get tested for STDs!!!! And she did, and he didn't!!!! Still makes me shake my head to think about.
Quote:
It is so hard as an LBS to not give into temptations sometimes. I want to work things out with H, truly I do. But when you are feeling left behind, uncared for, unloved and a million other things, and someone else wants to give you that, it's hard to say no.
You are quite right, and it's even worse if your primary love language is physical touch, because you really feel totally unloved without it.
Quote:
Don't get me wrong - I did say no, nothing happened, and I haven't talked with the guy again. But it's hard. I pray a lot and listen to music that lets me know that the greatest love comes from God and he gives me all of the love and attention I truly need.
That's a great way to deal with it, I think you're doing fantastic! Not sure why you were expecting a 2x4
Quote:
I'm only 4 months into this and sometimes I just feel like I'm wasting time. Time for what? I'm not totally sure. As I posted in the other thread, I keep having thoughts about my biological clock ticking. And I jsut want things to be 'normal' again.
Things will never go back to "normal". The best you can hope for now is building a new relationship with your H. At 35 you've still got a lot of potential baby years ahead of you, so I wouldn't worry too much about those urges right now, just give yourself time to heal first and see where things go. Good luck!
^^^ Good advice, I suggest you take it. You were probably reading my posts in terms of alleviation of WAS/MLC guilt. In the worst case, it is validation for the S's leaving, in the best worst case, it starts to enter the WAS head that maybe the LBS loves me after all.
But that can't be true, can it? I mean WAS left because LBS was awful and not the person he/she fell in love with and doesn't love me and I don't love LBS...I care about them, sure, but I didn't love them for a long time (which changes with each convo).
So, my point is, some WAS's understand this LBS love and begin to realize that maybe, just maybe, they were at fault too, and some never ever do. Even if they do realize, no guarantee they are ever coming back, but it is possible to build a relationship based on understanding and friendship
MY H and I are switching spaces in a couple of weeks and he said if I wanted to pick someone up and take them back to his place, I could (just to burn the sheets... ;P ) He also texted right after "I know, I know, you are not ready..."
One of these days Alice....it is very hard to maintain where we are, especially since I know my H has GF, has emotional and physical support, not from me. The best I can do is remain a friend, practice my DBing and move forward. The minute you stop moving though, is the minute you gotta take a long hard look at where you want to go
Jayhawk - wow, that was a nice conversation to have on Valentines Day. And it's ok, we are all negative sometimes, and I've seen lots of people say you will know whe YOU are done.
AS - I was expecting a 2x4 because I was even having thoughts of another person. I have thought about whether he is having an A as well, but I don't know. And I suppose it doens't really matter overall, if he can eventually be done. But from his comments about not having had hugs etc from opposite sex, I'm kind of doubting it. Thanks for the advice - it is certainly helpful!
Inside Out - yes, I believe that was your post that I was talking about earlier. You and H switch places? That has got to be akward. Even more akward if he makes comments like that...wow.
The thing with H is he has NEVER used the D word.
When he gets angry with me, which is usually because he thinks I am up to something with someone else or when we have had a disagreement, he will say things like 'you need to think about whether you want to stay in the house or sell' or 'how we will divide things up' or 'I think we can handle this as adults'.
I have no doubt that he has no idea with the extent of it when a child is involved. He was divorced once before but no children, and no lawyers.
He for sure doesn't have money for a lawyer - not that I do lol. But I don't think he understands the extent of all this.
But anyway, I think it says something that he only brings it up when he gets angry.
I am in agreement with Jayhawk1970, as a LBS whose W walked out on me with complaints that I controlled her and our money, didn't listen to her opinions etc. It does seem funny now that while she has stated she has no love for me and wants to do her own things, she is still leaving it up to me to do the selling of our houses, changing the names on the car registrations and deal with all the money issues. Same things I did before the BD, so the reality is she doesn't know how, when or why to do these things herself. My 180 is to not do them, let her do them. She can set up times with the bank to change the mortgage, or sell the house, or get valuations. She can go to the Dept of Transport and organise what paperwork needs to be filed for name changing.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
, or internally "I knew I wasn't worthy of their love". So often, I think they will threaten the big D, but never actually make the move.