Last year, my wife of began using a personal trainer (PT); a male. In the Fall time period, she said that she did not want to go to the gym together. It was her place to get away. I respected that. In November, there were emails to her trainer that dealt with song lyrics dealing with relationships. Another with a PDF of “Who Moved my Cheese”. In November, a text from a friend asking if she had talked to me yet about our relationship and lead me to ask what was going on. She said she was questioning our marriage and then later wanted to see a counselor. In December, two text with photos of him (clean). They stopped texting via normal modes and began using the chat part of Word with Friends so as to go undetected. Saw a few of their word games and a few text that got me suspicious. That suspicion played out with mid-day rendezvous at a dive motel. I know of three in the past 4 weeks that lasted from 2 to 3 hours. She is fallen for this guy who is 10 years younger. What she does not know is that this guy also is meeting someone else every week at a hotel across the street. Assume it to be another client.
Since late November, we were using a marriage counselor who actually lead me to reading Divorce Remedy. That said, my wife only agreed to 2 sessions with the counselor together. She went 9 time in total. I went 7 and she did help get to know who I am and what I want in life and learn on how to develop a great relationship as a result. She also directed me to this website. My wife has ALL of the traits of a MLC. What shocked me is her adultery. Like most, I would have never thought that it could happen. From the start, she was adamant that there was not other M in her relationship. W has said from the start of this low spot that she cares for me, loves me but…yes, you guest it, not in love with me. She has an empty feeling in her heart and needed time and space. I feel that she is prolonging this until she can find a job and somewhat support herself. Otherwise, she would be gone already. She is studying to be a PT but is not doing so very quickly. So, currently, she has given me the gift of time. However, I with the infidelity, I am not sure that I want to provide the gift of time and space without conditions.
I have not confronted my W about this yet. I have been doing everything I can to 180 and use the DB techniques. However, when it comes to adultery, one of my strongest traits is loyalty and family values.
I am at a crossroad and need advice. How do I confront her? I am all in for trying to save our relationship. I know that with time, I can heal but I am not willing to give this an open ended time line and not open to her continuing on with this guy. I also need to set some boundaries that would include (these may be more conditions than boundaries) 1) I will continue to pay for her PT if she changes trainers and gym’s. 2) No more sexting via Word with Friends at least not around me. My daughter caught her playing a game with him while we were on a family night out. 3) Agree to continue counseling together with emphasis on overcoming the infidelity.
Your post jumped out at me, and you'll soon see why. 5 1/2 years ago, my wife had a brief (but intense) affair with her . . . personal trainer! And he was 19 years younger than her.
You're in a tough spot. You DO need to confront your wife, and you DO need to establish some healthy boundaries for yourself. But you're NOT going to be able to control her (nor should you desire to), and you're NOT in a position to be issuing ultimatums to her. Think of it this way, you'd basically be saying "This is what I need in order for you to stay married to me!" and she'd be like "Who says I even WANT to stay married to you right now? I told you I'm no longer in love with you!"
Starsky, Thanks for the reply and thank you for the advice. I certainly see what you mean.
She is not aware that I know yet. I am not sure when I will confront her. I don't think this will be a wake up call for her at all. My issue is that she is still living in the house and I am not sure that is healthy after confronting her with it. We have young teens at home and I am concerned about them more than anything else.
Sorry to hear about your W's encounter. Did the marriage recover?
I was a pretty prolific poster during my ordeal, so if it helps you narrow it down, her affair began in May of 2007, and ended in August of that same year.
My advice to you right now would be to not do ANYTHING other than get a plan together. When you move, you have to move fast and be sure about what you want to accomplish, and she's only going to lie to you right now anyway. She'll also likely take her affair further underground, which could hurt your ability to learn more (what is it about OM that appeals to her? Are your finances at risk? Are you in any legal risk of her filing for divorce anytime soon? etc.).
It's going to be extremely hard to "bite the bullet" as it were, but you won't have to do it for long. And if she doesn't know that you know, you don't have to worry about her thinking "omg, I can't believe he's allowing this without trying to do anything about it!" and losing respect (and therefore love) for you.
Let me know if you have any specific questions. This is very likely going to be the single hardest thing you've ever had to do, but the life skills you were learn in the process will make you forever stronger -- I mean that.
Starsky (formerly "Chocolateeyes" and "Puppy Dog Tails")
Although her affair ended pretty quickly (after just about 3 months), it took a couple of years of hard work at reconciliation before our marriage was back on solid ground. Today I'm happy to report that it's very strong, and we have since celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary and the birth of our first granddaughter. This site -- and the people I met here who helped me -- saved my life . . . AND my marriage.
I have to echo Starsky's admonition about confronting without a plan.
That's not to say a "hit hard and dodge" plan, but a plan nonetheless. Do you think your w would agree at some point to attend Retrovaille? It's a marriage weekend for marriages in crisis. We got a lot out of it. There are also individual workshops for personal growth and addressing private individual issues that can affect marriages, and those include "Essential Experience", Life Spring and Imago. There are others but I have NOT heard good things about them.
Workshops tend to be a LOT better than most MC's are, b/c many mc's merely help you re=hash the past and validate whoever wants OUT of the m. The workshops are more intense and teach new behaviors a lot faster than one hour a week can do.
Realize she wants out of the marriage b/c she THINKS there are problems, and chances are, she thinks you are the source.
SOME of her beliefs might have validity so whatever complaints she has made in the past (eg., you are not attentive to the kids, or you don't give her the attention she needs, etc.) so you need to counter the negative images she has, or created, of you, with positive contrasting images.
IF she said "you're always late", you become Mr Punctual! This is what a 180 is and I believe you said you have read the Div Busting or Div Remedy books? Good...they really help and they're different than most other approaches.
Issue no ultimatum UNLESS you are fully prepared for any response she gives you. That means, assume the answer she gives is not the one you wanted...THEN decide if you can handle that.
When she finds out that she is one of many OWs for the trainer, she'll be even more humiliated and possibly even "heartbroken" - which won't be easy for you to see. (Don't be the deliverer of that message if you can avoid it. People Do like to shoot the messenger...)
Chances are, ironically, That might make it harder for her to come home, and you will need to do two seemingly contradictory things:
You'll want to "Keep the Road Home, Paved & Smooth", (b/c it really will be harder for her to come home, once it's "out" than you realize)
but you'll also have to be setting boundaries...not to punish her, but to protect youreslf and keep your own sanity/self respect.
Make sure whatever boundary you do eventually set (and enforce) is something that comes from a place of healthy self respectm and not a wounded ego or desire to "teach her a lesson". (That tends to backfire big time) You'll need a ton of support. So will she, in her own way.
There are many tools out here, so avail yourself of them and post often. People here care.
it's a great place to be, for a lousy reason. Good luck.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thank you 25years, I like the idea of retoville or other options that include more time than one hour per night with a counselor. I may have her friend break the news of the OW H has been with.
I also like the idea of paving a road home for her. I am still trying to decide if I ask her to leave when I do break this news. She may do that anyway. If she leaves its harder to DB I believe. Stir search on that one.
Is it wrong for me to stop paying for this trainer? That isn't a boundary and more of an action she will resent. This is a hard one but I do not see any other option.
