I have been married to my highschool sweetheart for 21 years. Two children in college and she walked away 2 months after our daughter left for school. For 10 years I would drink and stay out late twice a week on average. The intimacy in the marriage was not good. She hurt me early on both before and after marriage (1st year) be being unfaithful. I ran from the relationship by not being home, as stated above. We separated in October 2012. She said it was to remove herself from the situation but not contemplating a divorce. I chased her for nearly three months and she then told me she wanted a divorce. One month ago was the last time we met in person and talked and she was cold as ice. I started the Last Resort Technique and she now has shown interest. We had dinner last night and she said that she was depressed, confused by her feelings and didn't know if it was fair to not let me go since she was not sure what she wanted. She did begin with a statement that she wasn't prepared to say that it was over. She wants to move forward and asked if we could meet periodically. I said yes. I told her that we hurt each other and that it affected the intimacy in the marriage but that regardless of the the ambiguity of the marriage I was here and not gong anywhere and that I wanted to be a source of security for her. She said she plan to get some counseling. I am in the process of selling the house and living with family during renovatons. zshe signed a one year lease a few blocks from the house back in October. I am not sure how to act from this point forward and looking for some advice?
I hope you will gain some TOOLS for change, while you are working on the marriage, (or you aren't really working on it; you're just waiting).
I mean, she was missing something in herself or the marriage.
Chances are it's both. So YOU do have a role in this and that is good news, b/c it means you are not powerless. You can control you.
What has SHE COMPLAINED of, in the past? I assume you drink too much? Are you an abuser of alcohol? Can you cut down or stop drinking?
Can you let go of the past and go as the vows say "from this day forward"?
If you are going to hold her affair of 2 decades ago, over her head forever or use it as a reason to drink, still, then it's not too hopeful.
But if you want to take things from this day forward, and recover/restore your marriage, then this is the place to be (for a crummy reason!)
Good luck and keep posting often here. At first you'll be "moderated" so you have to post often before you see the replies.
TEll us more about the marriage and the issues YOU believe are valid and the issues SHE HAS SAID bother her. This is not a contest so don't worry about who complained the most, etc.
There is hope. Keep reading and keep posting.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thank you for the response. Yes, I can and have cut down on the drinking literally the day she walked away. I can't blame my drinking entirely on the infidelity and don't. That has been a source of conflict between us - the cause of my drinking. It clearly was a coping mechanism the last ten years as we just simply did very little that the DR says should be done in such a time of crisis. All she ever did was withdraw when the topic came up. To make matters worse, I am kind of sensitive. As for forgiveness, I had always thought I had forgiven my wife but in truth I had really just sort of cognitively said your forgiven. The separation had a huge impact on me. It literally forced me to look at how selfish I had been for many, many years and now through self-reflection, prayer, reading the DR and another book called the Fifth Agreement (good read), counseling and just listening to my wife during my three month chasing period, I have finally been freed of my resentment. I just want the chance to really love my wife for the first time ever. I totally have absorbed the DR methods and want the opportunity to implement them in our life and relationship. I guess I am just suppose to continue the LRT? I mean my wife kind of gave with one hand and took with the other last Saturday at dinner when she said she wasn't sure she wanted the M to be over but also wasn't sure if it was fair to not let me go because she wasn't sure again about the R??? She even called me yesterday to inquire about a doctor visit I had Monday. I am just wondering if it is time to shift gears a bit and maybe just ask her if we can begin dating, perhaps some intimacy (its been 6 months), or just something besides nothing?? I don't want to blow what ground we have gained but I get the feeling that maybe its time. I don't know. What do you think?
As for the marriage and the issues in the marriage, I think the number one issue is the lack of intimacy and affection. My wife agreed this past saturday that she literally weighed the benefits of staying together or leaving and being alone and the latter won out. In other words, life is too short and we all want peace. I just held back over the years for the very reasons the DR book describes in Ch. 10. You mention that my wife was missing something within herself or the marriage or both. I think there is something going on within her. I mean why does someone wait 10 years to pull the trigger? She did threaten divorce in 2002 and we had a long talk about me being home more and then I proceeded to break that promise. In 2010 she asked me to leave and I did for 2 months. That is it. She says the kids were sort of a buffer for her and that once they were gone she no longer had that anymore. I know that the house, finances, kids in college are also areas of stress for her. She likes to worry. I have just made renovations to the house and am selling it so that won't be an issue and we will have a little nest egg. As for work, well, when you have children at 21 your going to have to cash flow college. I am still paying for my three degrees so I think money has been an issue. She was a personnel consultant and in 2008 left a great money making job because she didn't like her boss. Tried to continued the same work with a different employer but the economy affected the success and she now has completely changed careers and learning a new industry with great potential for success. Saturday night she told me that we needed this separation. That she just had to remove herself from the situation. I am a very committed person to everything I do. She would tell you that I am the one person she knows that when I set my mind on something I usually will get it. I think that is a part of me that she probably fell in love with from the begining. What you see is pretty much what you get and I think that I scared her with the drinking over the years. I work for myself, so I had alot of freedom. I don't know if I am rambling or actually helping you see our issues but I will stop there and wait for your thoughts. I really appreciate your input.
