Divorcebusting.com  |  Contact      
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 53
A
Alias71 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 53
Wow, I'm not in moderation anymore. Thank you!!!


Me: 42 W: 40
M: 18 T: 20
D13 D10 S7
BD: 8/2012
Still living together
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 53
A
Alias71 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 53
Had a minor argument with my WAS yesterday. Should've backed away but the instinct to confront was too strong (back to the drawing board!)

Ultimately it culminated in my wife saying that she didn't want to split up the family and felt that us leading separate lives isn't really possible for us.

The thing is is that she lies all the time and I just don't believe anything she says. She is extremely cold and uncommunicative and after several days of being distant and detaching it feels like my head will explode. (I knew that moving to a foreign country would change my life but I didn't expect it this way. The naivety of optimism based, primarily, on love)

This old dog just has to learn the new tricks and for it just to become the norm.

Received 5LL today so I hope that that will help me in this tortuous journey.


Me: 42 W: 40
M: 18 T: 20
D13 D10 S7
BD: 8/2012
Still living together
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 53
A
Alias71 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 53
It's interesting.

There are a number of consistencies about virtually all threads and one of them is GAL.

A day or two ago I mentioned to my wife that I needed to "move forward"; that I needed to get a life for myself because I wasn't having one with her (don't think I worded it that way but that was the gist of it). She asked me what I was going to do and I was mysterious (actually I was vague because I have nothing specifically planned!) and now, today, for the first time in months my wife hasn't gone out on a Tuesday. It's normally a big night out for her which has become even bigger since the new year.

It may be a coincidence. It maybe her planning a bigger outing on another day (I have no trust in her at present) or it maybe her thinking about her actions and perhaps thinking a little about my intentions.
(Not that staying in meant much difference. She still stayed on the sofa listening through her headphones to an online pop music station that plays the same 15 or so songs over and over again. She does this day in day out!)

I'm thinking about thanking her for staying in tonight. (With an emphasis on how the children were happy that she was here when they went to bed although I'm pretty certain she didn't say goodnight to them) Do you think that that be a good idea?


Me: 42 W: 40
M: 18 T: 20
D13 D10 S7
BD: 8/2012
Still living together
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 398
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 398
Alias, no doubt about it, this stuff is hard. The vets on here are great and you should listen to what they say. GAL is good. GAL does not come easy for everyone. I have trouble GALing.

I don't think I would mention or thank her for staying home. You will see many posts on the boards about acting "as if". She knows that you don't like it when she goes out. No need to bring it up again.

The headphones drive me crazy! My W used to do the same thing. She has really decreased this recently but will still occasionally put them on. A few of us actually discussed this on one of my threads because they had the headphone spouses too.

Read DB. Read Sandi's tips. Take a deep breath and good luck. Remember, as many have said on here before, this is a marathon not a sprint.


M 37 W 36
T22
M14
D8
D4
8/2012 distanced
BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.)
W move out date: June 8th.
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 21
P
New Member
Offline
New Member
P
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 21
Alias71, I'm praying for you & your family. It's my belief that your wife is definitely having a MLC & she is also a would-be WAS. She may also have some narcissistic tendencies. The problem is that there is probably little you can say to her to alter the path she is on. Continuing to work on 180, GAL, and maybe getting into limited contact with her may be the way to go.

When she has enough time without you "there" for her, she will begin to see how different her life is going to be & maybe then she will gain the perspective she needs to realize that her decisions are going to have a horrible impact on her entire families lives. Hopefully she sees soon that the grass is not greener & she makes the effort to make your marriage work.

Best of luck!


Me: 48
EW: 40
D8, D12
Married 13 wonderful years
D in Apr-12
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 53
A
Alias71 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 53
Thanks Grizz for your reply.

I had decided this morning that if no-one replied to the post about thanking my wife then I wouldn't. As you stated that you wouldn't then that made my decision even easier!

I'm glad I'm not the only one who is experiencing or has experienced the "horror" of the headphones. (Glad isn't the right word. I suppose empathising with the thing is probably better)

Thanks for the last paragraph. Sometimes I just need someone else to spell it out to me from time to time until it becomes the norm for me. Like for a lot of people, I assume, that change is difficult and nerve wracking.

I will definitely check out your threads and I'm glad (this time for real!) that your headphone horror has receded in recent times.


Me: 42 W: 40
M: 18 T: 20
D13 D10 S7
BD: 8/2012
Still living together
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 53
A
Alias71 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 53
Thanks PMac for you words.

Sometimes she is quite lucid and can see what her actions are doing.

Most of the time, however, she is completely thoughtless and selfish and thinks only of the "fun" and how she cannot resist it (or him).

The 180 is going well. Having limited contact would be difficult as neither of us have full time jobs and we still live together. GALing could certainly be a problem. My life has been my wife and children. I've rarely done anything separately from them and I can't involve my children in everything I do now.

Aargh. It's been a bad day but just a month or two ago I probably would've considered this a good one so that's progress, I suppose. It's so hard at times but I suppose that's because it's so important.

Sorry to see that you are divorced after being happy for so long and with 2 young children. That's such a shame. I hope that life is getting better for you.


Me: 42 W: 40
M: 18 T: 20
D13 D10 S7
BD: 8/2012
Still living together
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 53
A
Alias71 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 53
I wish she wasn't so cold and uncommunicative all the time.

I read so many other posts and people talk about listening, really listening. If only I had that option.

I can listen. I can listen to her speaking incessantly on her phone, on tapping constantly on the keyboard (facebook or her email address) or the bleeping texting on her phone.

After missing out on a pub trip on Tuesday with the volleyball crew she's decided that she'd go on tonight instead with the alternative volleyball crew.

Sometimes I feel as if I'm dangling from a cliff with only my 3 lovely children saving me from dropping whilst my wife is looking over me dazed and when she does decide to come over I'm not certain whether she will give me her hand or tread on my fingers. (At the moment I feel as if it'll be the latter of the two)

The old saying "you can take a person out of a country but you can't take the country out of a person" seems to resonate so much to me. She seems almost to resent me not being from her native country.

Was feeling so good last night. I suppose I just need to have a good night's sleep and try to refocus.


Me: 42 W: 40
M: 18 T: 20
D13 D10 S7
BD: 8/2012
Still living together
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 539
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 539
My wife is not very communicative about our relationship either. You probably need to think about how if you do a 180 or create distance, do you see a change in her behavior? What would these changes be? So instead of talking about things, you do your GAL and detaching, and then observe her and her reactions to see if they are working.


------------------
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 53
A
Alias71 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 53
Thanks SA for your comments.

I must admit that when I wrote what I did I was just feeling a little sorry for myself. It's not very productive but sometimes I think that it helps every one just to vent. (Sometimes I vent into my diary, to my brother or here. Here got the short straw this time.)

I still haven't received DB but what I have gleaned from here I have put into practice and I think that I have already seen positive results after a short few days. (My wife isn't going out so much, isn't coming back so late and last night after getting home just after 11 she climbed into bed with me, we sleep apart, and apologized for not coming back sooner. Tonight she is out again but has left a note stating that she won't be long. I see this as progress and that's all I can hope for.)


Me: 42 W: 40
M: 18 T: 20
D13 D10 S7
BD: 8/2012
Still living together
Page 3 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Michele Weiner-Davis Training Corp. 1996-2025. All rights reserved.
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5