So, for several weeks now, interactions with my XW have been minimal. Some of it has been a crazy work schedule, but she also seemed to keep a consistent distance after me asking her to go to the zoo with us back in mid-Feb.
Today, our S had a poetry reading at a bookstore with his class. It's her time with S, but I went to see him for the reading. He was happy I w as there. XW was polite and friendly during the performance. Afterward, we wandered the bookstore a S looked for books. After a bit, I told them, I wanted to go and look for some books for me, and excused myself. Not what I wanted to do, but thought I should not hang around.
Picked up a book and started reading in the coffe shop, and they found me after finishing their purchases. We all sat together and chatted about movies and books. The talk was centered on our S, but I was just happy they found me rather than leaving, as I had expected XW would want to do.
Small step, but it made me happy. XW had mentioned they were going to a movie afterward, and I was secretly hoping to be invited along, but I didn't let on. She didn't mention it later. I'm trying to minimize my expectations and enjoy any positive changes.
H: 38 xW: 38 M: 16 T: 18 S: 9 BD: 2/2012 W moved out 4/2012 D: 11/2012
AZ, I'm in the same sitch as you. I've been divorced 11 months now & I'm miserable. My ex was a WAS. She had an affair, got caught, claimed she hadn't been happy for yrs, & wanted the D. She immediately started dating around and has been with her current BF for 8 mos.
Is your ex seeing anyone?
It looks like I'm going to have to wait out my exes current relationship to have any chance. Plus, I'm thinking my ex may actually be happier now. Crazy stuff. Good luck, I'll be tooting for you!
Me: 48 EW: 40 D8, D12 Married 13 wonderful years D in Apr-12
Thanks, Crimson. Anytime I see a positive sign, I want to capitalize on it or push for more. I have to realize that may scare her off.
She dropped our S off today (normal, weekly schedule). We talked about his school, worries about his teacher, and whether he should move schools next year. We joked around a bit about his school work and our pets. It was a nice, light interaction.
I have a friend who I hadn't seen in awhile and explained how I ended up divorced. In a nutshell, I was too preoccupied with my work, and was neglectful of my W. She felt I didn't respect her and had stopped trusting I would be there for her. She suggested I give my XW "Codependent No More" to read. I've started reading the book and it has some of the same themes as DB (detachment, focusing on your own happiness). I do feel my XW became unhappy because she got too caught up in trying to support me. She might benefit from it. On the other hand, I worry I send the wrong message by suggesting a book to her about how she can work on herself.
Anyone else familiar with the book? Thoughts on this (probably bad) idea?
H: 38 xW: 38 M: 16 T: 18 S: 9 BD: 2/2012 W moved out 4/2012 D: 11/2012
My gut reaction is to tell you not to give her anything to read at this point. I guess I am looking at it through my lens, but if I had given my XW a book with the word "Codependent" in the title during this ordeal she probably would not have taken it well at all.
Capitalize on what is good right now - and at the moment, it seems as if she is at least open to talking to you...laughing....joking. Hey, it's a start - and I am willing to bet (it your sitch is anything like mine) that is a lot more than you had 6-12 months ago.
I, too, had a tendency to crash through the door whenever I saw a slight positive. The sage vets around here would probably tell you to just play it cool....that is good advice. It seems like the LAST thing you want to do, but based off of my experience it is probably all for the best right now. Focus on the positives......you seem like you are doing well.
One of the differences between my sitch, and other stories on this forum, at least the ones I've read, is that my XW, as far as I know, does not know I still have an interest in reconciling. The divorce was finalized in January. Since then, I have been working on re-establishing a better co-parenting relationship, with a goal of developing a friendship with her.
My DB coach recommended no R talk right now, and I've been following that. Giving her the book, would be done in the spirit of wishing her well, and that she take care of herself. However, I could see her interpreting it as a sign that I remain interested in reconciling. That would probably backfire. And, yeah, Crimson, the title doesn't exactly help things.
H: 38 xW: 38 M: 16 T: 18 S: 9 BD: 2/2012 W moved out 4/2012 D: 11/2012
My gut reaction is to tell you not to give her anything to read at this point. I guess I am looking at it through my lens, but if I had given my XW a book with the word "Codependent" in the title during this ordeal she probably would not have taken it well at all.
Capitalize on what is good right now - and at the moment, it seems as if she is at least open to talking to you...laughing....joking. Hey, it's a start - and I am willing to bet (it your sitch is anything like mine) that is a lot more than you had 6-12 months ago.
I, too, had a tendency to crash through the door whenever I saw a slight positive. The sage vets around here would probably tell you to just play it cool....that is good advice. It seems like the LAST thing you want to do, but based off of my experience it is probably all for the best right now. Focus on the positives......you seem like you are doing well.
Crimson
I agree. If your spouse has a foot out the door, suggesting relationship books, or similar books is most likely to nudge or even push them in the other direction.
Ok, giving books/advice is likely counterproductive. I know this, but sometimes I need to air the idea here, just to not be tempted to try it.
Pmac21, as far as I know there is no OM. To be honest, if my XW found someone else who she seemed happier with, I'd try my best to be happy for her. From what I can tell, though, she mainly didn't want to continue the bad sitch she (we) were in. Felt like she didn't have her own life, I'd say.
8 months is probably about the time the shininess of a new R starts to wear off. I hope you're working on GAL and changing your interactions with her, so she sees what she's missing with you, and for yourself as well.
H: 38 xW: 38 M: 16 T: 18 S: 9 BD: 2/2012 W moved out 4/2012 D: 11/2012
AZ, I'd be lying if I said I was GAL. I have been struggling big time. I have changed my communications with her over the past few months though. I never talk about being sad that we divorced but there is a chance she sees through this.
My main issue is being out of work and running out of money. It's hard to believe that just over a year ago I was a millionaire living in a 7,000 sqft mansion on acreage and now I'm unemployed living in an apt. The job market is brutal, especially at my income level. Once I get a similar job, it will go a long way toward her seeing me as the successful, confident man she always knew me as. The current me cannot be attractive to her. Her new guy is in middle mgmt for a huge corp so she sees the wealth & stability that was once our life.
As far as the shininess coming off the relationship, I'm hoping for that but all signs point to it getting stronger & stronger. The incredible change in her is how much she goes out!! After 13 years of marriage, we went out to eat (usually as a family) fairly frequently & probably did something as a couple w/o the kids 1-2 x/ mo.
They do stuff w/o kids at least 2x per week! It really looks like she is loving this new life. She was always a very social person & didn't seem to enjoy doing parental activities, housework, or routine things like helping kids with homework, getting them ready for bed, etc. Her actions since the divorce have been a huge eye opener for me. That's why I think she's going through a MLC. I've heard they can last years. What's sad is now that we're divorced, I've no control over making sure our girls get the attention they need.
That's why I asked if your Ex was seeing someone & how busy she is keeping herself. I have friends who believe that my ex is forcing herself to be busy to fill her mind. She started dating immediately and might be trying to avoid reflecting back on her contributions to the failed marriage. In a way, all the partying is a defense mechanism & the LTR she is in a type of rebound.
I suppose it could be true, or maybe she's truly happier w/ her current lifestyle & BF. Time will tell.
Me: 48 EW: 40 D8, D12 Married 13 wonderful years D in Apr-12
