Still confused...about everything.

[BRNR]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2317847&page=9

I guess my original thread Confused too...am I going through MLC too? Is maxed...so starting anew...

I got off the emotional roller coaster for a little while as soon as I got my boys. Yay! Even ran into H and didn't have any problems...one more day down...

[BRNR]

Journaling, seeking advice.

Okay, I have just realized that I have allowed myself to become the pursuer today and am feeling the negative emotional consequences from it, and a feeling of rejection from H. Back story to today's events...

I had planned on taking my kids to hibachi and bowling and s9 asked H if he would go with us. I said it was okay and H did come out. This morning H started sending flirty text messages, and I responded with flirts back. The text exchanges went on throughout the day even though we were physically in each others presence. Well, one of the last text messages I sent was alluding to going out on a date and H agreed, but I said he needed to ask me out. His response...."a guy gets confidence when a girl ask him out". My response was to say "a girl likes to know she has a chance and the guy has interest".

I know, I messed up....shouldn't have responded. I guess now I am unsure if because he says that's what he wants should I ask him, or should I just wait and see....reminder, H's issues with me are that I should him a lack of affection and attention. Now I already have a perfect opportunity without my boys in a couple of weeks to be able to do ask him to dinner without our sons, but don't know what to do....

Any advice? Half of me says yes, but the other half says no...for those who don't know what is going on with me please read my prior thread...

[job]

I would wait and see what transpires until a few days before you would like to go out. Anything can happen in a couple of weeks. Follow his lead for a bit.

Keep your expectations at zero and be patient.

[BRNR]

Thanks Snodderly,

And yes, I hunk following his lead is exactly what I need to do for everything for a little bit...I have been initiating contact and H has too, but I think I am going to leave it all up to him ... I am going to try this for a few and see how things go.

I did notice that you didn't give any advice either way if I should ask him or not...guess that is understandable since evrything is so much in the air...

H did text me this morning saying he enjoyed our outing yesterday...which I guess is a good thing since 1-he initiated it and 2-it was just him and I and our two boys for 10 hours yesterday.

I am hoping these family outing experiences would show him what he is missing, but at the same time I often wonder if it is the right thing to do as it allows him to have his two worlds, family man and single man. I think I am going to cut back on these as well, as yesterday while I enjoyed myself too, it just keeps me from gal'ing because all I want is our family like that full time, and while the experiences are wonderful, I come home at night and set back into my reality that he is gone. It is so hard because of the boys, because I know they want that, and love it when we are all together, but I wonder if it is the right thing to do....

[job]

You might suggest that your h and the boys do some things together w/o you once in a while.

Your h appears to be very comfortable in planning things and following through on those plans. If I were in your shoes, I would not ask him out on a date just yet. You mentioned that there was something you wanted to do in a couple of weeks...I would wait until a few days before that special time and see how things are going then. It may come down to you saying that you would like to go to such and such place and then leave it up to him to say whether he would like to go or not. Asking him point blank may put pressure on him to make a decision and I don't think he's ready to do that.

Please be patient and keep your expectations at zero at all times. Keep the focus on you and your boys.

[BRNR]

Snodderly,

Thanks for the advice...the boys and H do a lot of things together...H also "intrudes" on my time a lot by stopping by where he knows I will be with my boys like classes and the house...it really is not an issue for me that he does that as my time with my boys is spent with my boys, so if he wants to tag along, I haven't minded.

I like your idea of asking right before, except instead of a few days prior I probably will just ask the day of as he doesn't even know that I will be without my boys, so I will probably just notify him that day that they will be away and see if he wants to go to dinner and catch up...this way, if he has plans already, he won't be pressured to go out with me...

I started taking Stress B Complex vitamins over the weekend, and they seemed to have helped me cope better with the daily stuff that comes up. I really do like feeling calmer about things, so that should help me cope further as the situation progresses with H.

Snodderly, I know you say be patient and keep my expectations at zero. I do/am having a hard time with this even though I psyche myself out sometimes and try and make myself beleive that that is what I am doing.

AJM, once said that he saw hope in my situation because my H is trying to stay connected...do you see the same thing? I know it is a bumpy ride and things don't happen overnight, and can change from day to day, but an honest opinion from anyone who has read my sitch helps me gain clarity...sometimes I feel like he is so done with me, moving forward with his life, and then he "reaches".

Yesterday, I took your advice and let him lead, and I have to say that I felt more positive about things and not so rejected and hopeless. By this, I mean that I did not initiate any text messages other than one about the kids schedules this week. He texted me "Good morning" yesterday and expressed that he had a good time on Saturday. I responded back with just a quick "Good morning" as well, that I was glad he enjoyed himself and to enjoy his day. He responded with "You have a great day too".
Then, later on in the evening I texted him about the kids schedule this upcoming week and he asked if I was upset with him and apologized if he upset me in anyway and then proceeded to ask about my day. I told him a "No, I was not upset just busy". From there we texted back and forth for about three hours and H invited me to go to dinner with him and the boys Thursday night which is his day and to play pool with them on Saturday. Wow! Two invites on two different days in one night. Now I will say that I left the invites open and didn't confirm or deny that I would go on either one of those days. Part of me taking the pressure off of him to feel obligated, and part of me to see if he confirms the invites later on this week. I am trying to make him the pursuer a little...

Please Snodderly and anyone who wants to comment...please give me your honest, no holds barred opinion if there really does look like hope in my situation or if it looks like I am being played a little and being set up for a disaster.

[job]

There's always hope in any situation. Your h is staying connected w/you and your family at this time. Your situation is very similiar to rH's situation in the fact that your h is texting, etc.

Just be yourself and don't expect him to react or be the man that he once was. He's different now and he's learning how to grow up. Yes, you are having a lot of positives which can throw your expectations level through the roof, but you need to keep those expectations at zero or you'll get hurt disappointed or even angry if he doesn't do something that you thought he should do.

Continue as you have been. I wouldn't ask him about going out until later, if things continue as they have been. Leave the invitation open ended so that he can make his decision as to whether he wants to go or not. No pressure!

[BRNR]

Okay, huge dilemma-

My cancerous problems from early 2012 are re-surfacing and I am concerned that I will have to go in for massive amounts of testing and surgery again. My dilemma is that I never told anyone about it except for my boss (because of the time away from work that I needed) and H. I don't have any family of my own nearby that would be able to help me physically and I really don't want to air my health problems...what do i do? I will probably need support from H with the kids to say the least, but what about the days of testing and surgery where I need someone. Is it wrong to ask him?

[job]

I think you should advise him of your health situation and discuss the situation w/the children. You can ask him if he can go w/you for the testing and surgery, but I would suggest that you have a back up plan in place just in case he can't assist you or your children. Now is not the time to be shy about asking a close friend or neighbor to be of some assistance to you.

I hope that everything turns out okay for you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

[BRNR]

Thanks Snodderly, I would not expect much, with the exception of the children...these are our children together and his responsibility as well...which is why I feel the need to tell him. If I am laid up and unable to take care of them, as thier father he will need to do so.

Do you think I could get away with this conversation via email...I am thinking of doing as such to avoid any pressures or him thinking that I want something personally from him other than for the kids.