Just popping in with a question

[danielf]

I spent some time here about a year ago and got a lot out of the advice and encouragement I received. Thank you.
Since then, I've been popping in every once in a while just to read up and remember to stay the course and what the game plan should be.
Some background, W left me in CO and took the kids to TX. I came down a few months later. She has a BF but insisted that had nothing to do with us.
Right now, my wife and I are doing sortof a birds-nesting thing with the kids, taking turns staying with them at the apartment. We don't have a lot of contact other than business, as I try to keep the rope dropped. I wrestled a little with giving her flowers for VDay, and did. Her a dozen red, D11 a dozen pink.
I would like to share some texts from last night and invite feedback:

Her: Thank u for the flowers. 7:38 PM
Me: Happy Valentine's day 7:54 PM
Her: U too. 7:54 PM
Her: So, I spent this night alone. Kind of nice actually... But I want to hear from u. R u ready to end out marriage? I think u r. But u have not taken any st 11:04 PM
Her: eps to end it. And I, myself, an very scared and confused. I think the best thing is to move forward. I think u will be happier free of me. I am not good 11:04 PM
Her: for u. U need some one more like u...in ways I am not. But I am still scared. I enjoy alone. But I don't like the idea of feign alone always. So I have 11:04 PM
Her: to think we will both grow and find someone in our future. If u want to talk face time I'll be glad to! Tomorrow or u say when. Night! 11:04 PM

I had been saying that I wasn't reading into her not filing for D. I think the joke I used was disrespectful: "I think she figures that since I always did the taxes and D is just paperwork that it's my responsibility."
Anyways, I think I'd be prepared to talk with her and tell her that I understand if she files, but today I decide not to do that myself. I guess she would probably feel like I was provocative in that.
Open to thoughts. Dropping the rope is good, but does not mean I get to avoid life or action.
Thanks.

[AnotherStander]

I am assuming you don't want D, and if not, then just don't bring it up at all. If she texts you about it then just ignore it. If she talks to you about it on the phone or in person, just say you're still sorting things through yourself and you're not ready for that. You don't want to agree with her that D is a good idea, and you don't want to do the opposite of that, IE- tell her that you are going to wait for her forever and hope she changes her mind. You want to be somewhere in the middle. Leave the door open to reconciliation, but make her think you're thinking about moving on too.

Her text to you is interesting, because my W has also recently used those exact same words (scared and confused). She's kind of in the same place as your W, thinking that moving on is best but still scared and confused about it.

[Starsky309]

It always amazes me that a wayward wife seems to frequently want REASSURANCE from their betrayed husband, to help them feel better about leaving him.


Starsky

[danielf]

Thank you for the replies. We texted a lot this morning and I missed (I really did) the one where she told me lunch was up to me after me asking if she'd like to meet. So I set up other plans and she declined to override them. I think this is in line with the spirit of your suggestions -- avoid direct D and R discussion. I did set up some family plans and asked if she would like to be included and she said yes.

[sayitaintso]

It always amazes me that a wayward wife seems to frequently want REASSURANCE from their betrayed husband, to help them feel better about leaving him.


Starsky

No Sh*t!

[JBolt]

Guilt is a painful feeling. My W has said things like this several times, and I'm only 4 months into this. She says how she loves me and doesn't want to see me hurting anymore, so I should D her and get on with my life. She really wants me to do all the heavy lifting as far as D is concerned. Of course, take care of her mess as usual and assuage her guilt by seeming to agree to all this craziness by filing for D myself. She's tried several times to encourage me seeing other people. She did ask to talk to me yesterday and seemed more determined, desperate really, to move on the D. I said I would think about it. 2-3 weeks ago it was, we don't have to decide anything yet, there is plenty of time. She really does seem mentally ill.
J.

[MrBond]

You are right in that she wants to clear her conscience. This is what's going to happen next. After awhile when you don't do anything to push the D, she's going to get angry at you. She's going to accuse you of things that you never even heard of before. She's going to treat you like the devil himself.

BUT you don't change your strategy. Don't let her actions (no matter how hurtful) affect you. You continue to live your life and GAL. That phase will pass as well.

Think of it like the stages of death. She's going through bargaining with you. Then it's going to be anger, then sadness. The ironic thing will be that when she finally starts accepting the fact that she contributed to the demise of your R, she's going to regret not doing anything to heal it.

[JBolt]

You are right in that she wants to clear her conscience. This is what's going to happen next. After awhile when you don't do anything to push the D, she's going to get angry at you. She's going to accuse you of things that you never even heard of before. She's going to treat you like the devil himself.

It took me a while to figure this out. Though she appears scatter-brained most of the time I see her or talk with her (not very often), she can be crafty. I can't imagine her being more angry at me! I'm waiting for her to blame me for pushing that iceberg in front of the Titanic. She digs back 25 years or just makes stuff up completely to keep that anger fueled. I thought letting her spew a little (okay, a lot), validating without accepting, and just doing not disagreeing with her twisted nonsense would somehow help her get it out her system. I of course should have listened to AJM's advice after our first venom filled phone conversation:

"I don't recommend you let her vent about you at you. That kind of reinforces the anger, don't you think?"

Yes, now I do.

Think of it like the stages of death. She's going through bargaining with you. Then it's going to be anger, then sadness. The ironic thing will be that when she finally starts accepting the fact that she contributed to the demise of your R, she's going to regret not doing anything to heal it.

I'm trying not to look forward to that day if it ever comes or she ever admits it to anyone but herself. No expectations. It really does seem like bargaining, like she's trying to talk me into filing because of how good it would be for me. We will see.
J

[danielf]

Thanks, everybody.
I was going to lunch with my friend who's kinda wrestling with being a WAH. We were talking a lot about how WAS gets into twisted logic about "better if we'd never gotten married..." Unfortunately, I pointed out, I'm not really the person to challenge W's logic.
Praying for that person in her life.

[danielf]

I believe that dropping the rope and following the 37 rules is the best strategy overall. Unfortunately, I think that I have taken it as an excuse for passivity and inaction.
A couple months ago, I tried "laying down the law" about W not bringing OM around my kids. She refused and has continued to bring him around my kids. Now, I've never met OM. When my kids talk about him, I pretty much tune out or try to change the subject. I have felt (and said) that it is not good for me to talk to our kids about my wife's infidelity. Despite her parading it about pretty brazenly, my kids do not have any clear understanding of what is tearing their family apart.
Actually, a while back my wife did talk with my boys about one reason she has for wanting our marriage to end. She told them I was fired for looking at naked women on my computer at work. This is true, and a shameful and destructive part of my life that I am working hard to rebuild, career-wise as well as emotionally, etc. I felt it very irresponsible to share this with 8- and 9-year-old boys, but once the box had been open I went to work and have had several conversations with my sons that are very necessary even if I think some of it is coming early. It has been good for me as a father and a man to confront that situation with love and confidence.
Well, I'm thinking that some other hard conversations might have to be confronted. I feel that I need to give my wife an ultimatum: if I hear that you have brought my kids around OM or him around them, I will talk with them about what is going on from my perspective.
I hope that concern for my children is a bigger part of this than my pride.

Really need advice on this, including how to approach it.