My husband's MLC started last summer and he announced that he wasn't "in love" with me any longer. We sought counseling but he refused to consider he was going through his MLC. He has now accepted that this is what is happening. (Progress?)
Since we identified what is happening I have been doing everything I can to educate myself on MLC. And I have been trying very hard to put into practice the advice and suggestions I have read.
I am so very, very confused by his actions and his words. He says he still loves me. He says he wants our marriage to work out. But then...
About 6 weeks ago he told me he was moving out. He needs to live by himself and he doesn't want to be responsible for anyone but himself. I have accepted that this is what he believes he needs to do and that he will be moving out. (I do, however, hope he is completely miserable on his own.)
Last Saturday he looked at another apartment. Then on Sunday he showed me that his wedding ring was bent out of shape. He stated that he needed to get it fixed because he didn't want it to break and lose it. Wait, he is leaving me but he is worried about his wedding ring?
Today is our 32nd wedding anniversary. He asked me out to dinner and we are going out. He gave me a very loving card this morning.
I don't have many friends here and my family doesn't understand what is going on so they aren't much help. I pray almost constantly for "WiSPS" (Wisdom, Strength, Patience and Serenity).
I am so confused. Is this "normal" behavior for someone going through their MLC? Can anyone out there offer a real life story of their marriage surviving a spouse moving out? Is there any hope?
Hi Italy, sorry your H is lost in space right now, but you've come to the right place. The folks here understand completely what you are going through, and will help guide you along on the journey you never signed up for.
First thing I want you to do is take a deep breath, and calm yourself. Know that you guys will make it through this, but it will take some time. Even though you're going nuts inside, I want you to remain calm around your husband. Don't pressure him to stay or press him for reassurances... he needs to work through this crises on his own. The fact that he accepted he is in a MLC puts him a step ahead of most of them.
Take care of yourself. Eat, sleep and exercise so you stay healthy. Keep yourself busy doing things you enjoy. Post often. Most of all, hang in there!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I see you posted on Mtn's thread right under my welcome post. I can repost it here if you want, just ask. Please take the time to read it as you are on moderation right now, And moderation is very slow because of some unforseen events.
You have lots of TIME so use it wisely. Keep posting on this thread until you get to 100 posts.
Ask questions and read other threads. You are going to be all right.
Welcome aboard.... sorry you have to be here... BUT this is a very good place to shelter during the storm.
MLC seems to be nothing BUT confusion, for both them and us. Step back as far as you can.
You said you don't have many friends where you are. Perhaps one of your 180s/GALs could be to fix that. Find a church that welcomes you. Join a club. Volunteer.
Not that I think you should inundate your friends with your sitch. At least not right away, and not everyone you know. But invite uplifting people into your life.
Do come here to vent about your sitch. Because we "get it".
Good luck and God bless.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Thank you for replying. Here is what happened this weekend -
Saturday was pretty good. My parents are no help and their phone call was upsetting but I was able to put it behind me. Saturday night we went out on a date - dinner and movie. We had a nice time, laughed, etc.
Sunday morning my husband casually informed me that he was signing a lease on an apartment in the afternoon.
Just when I think I can't hurt more than I already am I find out that there is a whole new level of pain.
I unfortunately wasn't able to put on a happy face after this announcement. And this morning I said some things that I should have kept to myself but I was angry and hurting.
I showed him a 7 week marriage help telecourse that I am signing up for. It has 2 options - solo or as a couple. He informed me that I need to do the solo course.
I can't believe what a selfish and self centered SOB he has become. I don't know this person. And right now I am really really struggling with my anger. I want to lash out and hurt him like he is hurting me and I now that is wrong and would only make matters worse. When do my feelings matter?
Sounds like you are really hurting. I'm sorry to hear that.
You're feelings matter right now. But not to him.
MLC makes the sufferers incapable of dealing with their own feelings, let alone anyone else's. For me, this is one of the more difficult aspects - not being able to look to my H for any sort of comfort or reassurance.
I hope the counseling course helps you.
Post an update when you can.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Hi Italy. Your anger is a natural reaction. You were and are, very hurt. I can imagine it would be worse if you weren't hurt.
Kind of odd that he says he loves you, wants to keep the ring, but is moving out. Almost as if he is asking for some space and time to work things out on his own. As if he has conflicting feelings and doesn't know how to handle them.
MLC is a crazy thing. It really is. It's been described as being like eating cereal while sitting on the ceiling...
The story is long from over, Italy. Please post more as you can and take care of yourself. Don't act out of anger if you can help it, but know that you will be angry. Even if you do say some things you later don't like, know that having feelings is better than not having them. Be gentle on yourself and know you are going through some hard times. Just do your best to remember what you saw in this man for so many years. Remember those parts and let the rest fade as quickly as you can when you can.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thank you everyone for the support and words of encouragement. It is nice to know that I am not alone.
I am really trying my best to keep my words to myself and look at this as a "temporary" stage of his transformation. It is just so bloody hard.
I am encouraged that the lease he signed is only for 3 months. I did find it hilarious when he started to complain to me that the couch in the apartment isn't really his style. Good! I don't want him to be comfortable or happy in this apartment.
Right now my plan is to actually help him pack his clothes when he moves. I will fall apart afterwards.
I am implementing the actions, suggestions, etc. that I am learning with the marriage course. I appreciate that it gives me something tangible to do towards saving my marriage versus talking about it with a counselor. I always left the sessions thinking "Okay, we talked a lot but what can I DO?".
I am also keeping up my mnatra prayer - Wisdom, Strength, Patience and Serenity. God's wisdom to help me know what to say and not to say. God's strength to help me through the day, Patience to help me keep in mind that this is "temporary". Serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
Take care all and I hope your situations are improving.
Italy, I get what you're saying and doing. For what it's worth, I think you're doing well and figuring things out that work for you.
Continue to seek God's guidance and try not to answer back immediately. Give it some time between the weird stuff
Helping him to pack and acting like you're fine are absolutely the best way to go, BTW.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Well, husband has moved out. This is the lowest point of my life.
I was able (for the most part) to help him pack on Saturday.
I feel pretty much numb now. No, not really. I hurt. Alot.
He really upset me yesterday when he sent an email telling me that he is doing this to see if he can take care of himself. Really? He tore his family apart and deeply, deeply hurt the person who has stood by his side for over 32 years just to see if he could buy groceries and microwave food? Of course he can do all of that and more. And he has done all of that and more.
It just seemed like a crappy excuse he made for his behavior.
So, I am trying to get re-focused on improving myself and my marriage. I am trying to have hope.
