Here is post to myself. Maybe H didn't want sex. Maybe all along I thought he did, but now I am realizing he doesn't. So if he doesn't then why all the conflict?
I am so lost and confused. I approached him this A.M. bra and panties. Kissed him on the lips, neck, ect...nothing. I approached him tonight. Rubbed him all over...back, neck, everywhere. Nothing.
He has been complaining for 10 years over this. Here I am, willing able, ready. And H is dismissing it all.
What does he want?
HD's talk to me. Am I too late for reconciliation on this?
I thought I was the one who didn't want it. Is he just getting revenge? It kinda feels like it...
Jen, I don't understand what your H is thinking either. Maybe its revenge or maybe he's just confused himself. Maybe he's got some kind of big stress, like work, in his life right now that is stealing his focus. Maybe he's so used to being mad at you he's still holding on to the anger when he doesn't need to. I take it he won't open up and talk about it.
Don't give up!
FredD
The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.
I just spent more than an hour writing an extremely long reply, and I lost everything when I tried to preview it. Arrrggg that makes me so mad!!! I'll make an attempt to summarize anything that might have been any good.
I went into some detail about the possibility that your husband is trying to get revenge or that he's managed to stop desiring you after being rejected for so many years, but I really doubt that either of those is the case. Here are the things that I can think of which might actually be affecting him. Keep in mind that all I have to go on is what affects me.
First, you may have just caught him at a bad time - stressful time at work, bad day, too many things to do around the house, etc. Guys get stressed out and moody at times too.
Also, it could be that your husband has some anxiety after so many years of so little sex. When I was in college and first started "getting around", I was extremely confident. I had no performance issues and although satisfying my partners was a concern, it wasn't anything that caused me to worry. Things are much different now. As badly as I want to have frequent, earth-shattering sex with my wife, I have a lot of anxiety about sex which affects my performance. I have no confidence whatsoever anymore. On the few occasions that my wife and I have had sex over the past few years I constantly worry that I won't satisfy her, in turn giving her no reason to want to do it again anytime soon. And thanks to this anxiety I don't perform particularly well and I end up feeling terrible that she didn't enjoy it as much as me. I'm quite certain that this problem will go away, but it's going to take some time. Having sex every few weeks at best really doesn't help. I think it's going to take a period of really frequent sex - several times a week for a few weeks, several nights in a row, multiple times in a night, etc. - before my anxiety will go away and I'll really be able to enjoy just being intimate with my wife.
Another thing that could have an impact is whether your husband feels that you're really hot for him or just going through the motions. Over the past five years I've seldom, if ever, felt that my wife really wanted me - it always seems that she's just having sex with me so I'll stop complaining, pouting, or whatever else for a while - and that she just wants to get it over with as soon as possible. She's not the slightest bit interested in kissing or foreplay, which just convinces me even more that she doesn't really want me - she just wants to get it over with so she won't have to worry about sex again for a few more weeks. This bothers me a lot, and it actually hurts even when we're having sex. It also keeps me from getting very "excited" (which is not typically a problem whatsoever). I’d recommend that any of you low desire spouses trying the "just do it" method at least try to put on a good act. If your spouse thinks you're just going through the motions you may be still be hurting him (or her), even when you're giving him what you think he wants.
I would honestly love to be able to spend hours kissing and caressing my wife, giving her a massage, taking a shower or bath with her, slowly undressing her, exploring her body, licking chocolate syrup or champagne off of her body - okay, I think you get the idea. And if she were truly interested in these things they wouldn't always have to lead to sex for me to be happy. I want these things so badly that I'm somewhat afraid I'm turning into a woman! (sorry - just trying to be funny)
Another big desire-buster is lack of variety. I certainly have my favorite positions, but without some variety I find that sex can become routine pretty quickly. I always thought that one of the most exciting things about getting married and spending the rest of my life with someone would be the sexual experimentation that we would get to experience together – basically getting to know what drives each other wild. But my wife doesn't think the same way - she likes to have sex one way - and that's it. She acts like she can only enjoy sex in one position so why even try anything else - who cares what I want? It makes me feel like she's saying "I've tried sex every possible way numerous times with all of the boyfriends that I had before marrying you, and I know that I can only have an orgasm if I do it this way - so I definitely don't care to try any of those things with you". Do you think that might be why God intended for us to wait until getting married to have sex? I would absolutely love to get one of those books like 100 nights of great sex and go through it trying something different every night. Guess I'd better stop - I'm just teasing myself now.
I don't know if any of this will help, but I definitely don't think it's too late for reconciliation with your husband. You’re on the right track – just don't give up!
I do believe that all the points you made apply to us. And your right, it's not revenge. H is too sweet for that. I do think he is just not sure what to do after sooo long...And since he knows I read the book maybe he thinks I'm just trying to do what the book says and its not because I am hot for him.
Variety?...yes we need to work on this...I was just trying to get frequecy down first.
Maybe he feels like it's "sex on demand". First, i don't want it, now i do want it, and he just supposed to go along. I think I just need to let him come to me when he wants, let it be his idea and try my best not to reject him ever again.
We went out last night with friends. Listened to a band. I rubbed his shoulders a lot and complemented him infront of everyone on how great he looks, no matter who I was talking to I kept one hand on him, thigh, back ect. It was kind of a birthday thing for me. (it's actually today). but I acted as if it was his.
So we got home, got to bed, H initiated, and we had a rock'in night! We literally fell off the bed!
The funny thing was that it was late and I was tired. He initiated and my first thought was to roll over and just snuggle off into sleep. It took a lot for me to shift gears. But I did. And it was worth it. Because we both had a great time.
As I think about it. This was probably the first time in years that he initiated and I was willing. After that much rejection for H it really is no wonder that he's not comfortable with this new change of my behavior.
So things may be slow going. But at least there going. I guess I just need to settle back a little and let H come around his own way, at the same time keeping myself in the right frame of mind, sexy thoughts...
Good for you! I think you're doing everything right and I know that your husband appreciates it. As for variety, I agree that it can wait until the frequency issue is resolved and you're both comfortable with each other again. Keeping a hand on him while you're out in public is great - you wouldn't believe what that does to make us guys feel desirable. And I wouldn't completely stop initiating if I were you. I hope that someday I'll be comfortable initiating sex with my wife again. But even if she were to always accept my advances, I still like it when she initiates. Her doing so helps me to feel that she really wants me rather than just to fulfill an "obligation". Also, I think that some of the greatest sex happens when you're really not expecting it. After the good time that you and your husband had last night (seeing the band), he probably felt like there was a good chance that you'd want to have sex and therefore he wasn't afraid to give it a try. Tonight he may want you just as badly, but he could be afraid to initiate thinking that you probably don't want to have sex again so soon. Acting like you can't wait to do it again may do a lot for his confidence. Bear in mind however that I'm not him - just use your own judgement.
Good to see you posting, Sooner. I hope your family was not affected in any way by the tornado. It looked pretty bad on the news.
Jen, The labels HD and LD are useful for describing a situation between partners during a period in their relationship when one partner consistently wants sex more often than the other. I'm not sure that the labels are meant to be permanent. You know all the times when you didn't want sex for no particular reason. That may be the case for your h too on occasion, even if he does sport the HD label.
I have another tip from out-of-the-blue for you . Something that has really worked when I haven't been as much in the mood and my H initiates: I tell him, "Yes, I want to, but I need help." He then goes into high gear on helping me get aroused. It lets him know that I'm not rejecting *him*, but there's just this minor problem right now. Then I also get some extra help with my arousal and I don't feel so alone.
Pat yourself on the back,... or better yet, ask H for a massage to reward you for your hard work. I am convinced there is no "endpoint" where you are back where you were before you suddenly lost your interest in sex. You are looking forward to a "new place" and I want to also.
My sitch is I'm 52, with 53 yo W, three D's, 2nd D deceased 16 months ago at 20. She was W's pride and joy, my fishing buddy and beautiful friend. Prior to her loss, W and I had been doing the sexual slippy-slide (SSS ?) apart over the previous 5 years. As I pushed my W, the less desirous of us, she said she wanted more affection, less frequent sex. I did what I thought would work, back rubs, ... hand holding, hugs and kisses, ... with some occasional pushing, which I regret. No forced sex, ... just stronger suggestions than usually fits my personality. The less we loved, ... the less we loved, ... not an unusual pattern. My D's death stopped us both in our tracks, ... not unusual. A little like having an ice storm on top of a blizzard.
In hopes of finding a way back to a warmer loving life, I found Michele's site and book, SSM. I ordered it, read it cover to cover over about a week and wanted to share it with my W. I put a note with it, saying that I thought this was a wonderful book about us, that helped me to understand our differences. I asked her to read it. She's an avid reader, ... but she said that "It was too late."
She has since told me to find a girlfriend, but not to let my daughter find out, ... I know that will not work! It breaks my promises to her, ... and to me!
I do need to think and regroup my view. Today is better, ... because I still love her, and want to understand her. But she has let our M go altogether.
So, ... help me if you can. I know when I am affectionate and aroused, but my W believes she never is, nor wants to be again. I want to keep our M, ... and won't leave, but hope to have W change her heart while I will stay in the house. Because I love her so, I want to understand the sense of never wanting sex that she feels. In any event I want to understand her well enough to stay, and not be angry any more than I can help.
I'm so smitten, I look at her current pictures on my PC, smiling, with her full head of salt and pepper hair, same as I. What I love best is her smile, ... and I know I don't bring that back to her often, as things are now. Looks as beautiful to me now as the day she first grabbed my heart. That, is something I need to manage. Not sure a 180 to "thinking she is ugly" will work, if you understand my meaning.
At times she seems to be "running the other way", ... sort of a WAW to abstinence, ... but she does not leave the M, or the house.
So, ... help me if you can, to understand the thought that goes with thinking you never care to have sex again, ... For me it is a sort of sentence we pronounce upon ourselves, unwillingly. And it seems to sad. She seems to want to believe she won't want sex again, in order to keep life simpler, less involved.
So I will re-read SSM's last chapter,... and hope it does not apply to us. Even more, ... I believe that there are insights in SSM that my W would love, and understand, ... if she would simply read it.
I am curious how others have gotten a reluctant S to read SSM. It is such a fair representation of human sexuality, ... but comes with my endorsement, by my recommendation, and so my W suspects there is an ulterior motive.
Thank you, Jen SG
I guess the only way to stop divorce is to stop marriage.
--Will Rogers
I am like many men on this board. Married 25 years, two kids in college, make fantastic living,in great physical condition, travel with wife extensively and spend great deal of time with her. Problem is, she started to loose her sex drive about 10 years ago (we used to have a very wonderful and active sex life) and since starting menopause 5 years ago we rarely ever have sex. We average sex 3 or 4 times per year at this time but only if it is over very quickly, no touching, fully clothed etc. She can hardly wait for the act to end and to jump out of bed and have a bath. I know she is thinking that she would just rather be left alone and have sex once every 3 or 4 years at most.
I have tried pursuing her aggressively, tried not pursuing her at all but merely trying to listen and talk to her (not about sex), buy flowers constantly, encourage her to travel with me and her girl friends (which she has numerous times), tried being involved with activities with her to no success.
She tells me, however, that I don't have any interest in her and that I am only interested in sex. I try to talk to her about our sex life every six months or so but she turns the conversation around on me telling me that I, like most males, don't understand what women want, don't listen and I am not supportive. She claims I have always been non communicative, ever since marriage. From my perspective, I feel I am communicative and have no idea of what she wants. She tries to tell me, but gets bogged down in letting me know how horrible I am because she believes I have no interet in her and don't communicate. The circle goes round and round but I still have no clue what my shortcomings are and have told her this many times.
She tells me that she doesn't have any sexual fantasies, has no interest in sex whatsoever and doubts she ever will. Based on her suggestion, I have encouraged her to see her doctor to discuss her situation - which she did and received a prescription for some hormones, but she has since decided that she will not take any hormones for any reason.
She explains to me that she can not understand why I crave to have sex on any kind of regular basis. Since she has no interest, she tells me that I should just leave her alone, forget about a sex life and move on. She points out that sex is not critical for living and breathing. She has also withdrawn from any kind of intimacy (I believe she is afraid that I might ask for sex if she is nice to me).
At this point, she does everything to avoid the opportunity for us to have any intimate contact. She will not come to bed until very late (ie 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning), knowing that I have to get up at 6:00 and that, since she does not work, she can get up at 9:00 or 10:00. When we go away together, she comes down with something that prevents us from having any physical contact
I have suggested that we go to councelling but she indicates that the only reason would be to fix me and that I should go by myself.
I feel totally rejected by my wife. I am sure I do not communicate with her in the manner and frequency that suits her, but I am not sure what that really means. I can not help feeling the need for some form of intimacy and for some kind of sex life, but I am really beginning to loose all confidence in myself. I don't feel I am a bad husband, I have always been faithful and would not consider running around behind her back. I feel, however, that I need to do something to help my confidence and feel happy.
I have no clue what to do at this point and any suggestions would be greatly welcomed.
I am new to the board but I swear I could have written all your posts. I'm 29 married 8 years to my best friend of 14 years. I remember the night I lost my desire. Unfortunatly, it was our wedding night. Been struggling for 8 stinkin years with this problem. I now have 2 kids and the situation remains the same.
I too am the self help guru. I have just been focusing on the wrong things all these years. H started visiting porn sites too and eventually started with the chat room. All this while I was sleeping or at work. I just didn't want it. I sort of posted under The Light Is On about how and why I found this site.
Thank God for SSM. It has changed our lives. H is reading it too and posting on this very same board. No more secrets between the two of us. I see our relationship in all your posts and just wanted to let you know that there is also someone out here in almost your exact same shoes!
I also frequent the marriage builder site and H and I did all the tests. We ended up arguing and getting hurt feelings but we did those before reading the book. Everyday we look at each other differently and we both know that there is no going back.
I look forward to reading more posts from you since our situations are so similar and you've been doing this longer than me. I wish you lots of luck and love!
Thank you for responding to my posts. I don't have all the answers, but I am figuring it out slowly and surely. I am determined everyday to be the best wife I can be.
You asked for help to understand why your w doesn't want sex. This is like asking me why I don't like spinich. I have no idea, I just don't. But sometimes I eat it anyway, because I know it is good for me. And there are certain ways to prepare it, so it tastes better... see what im getting at?
One thing I know for sure is that we can not make another person love us. (or make love to us). We can't control others, including our spouses. And when we try to they will ussually go the other direction.
I am starting to find out that it is all very simple. When I am looking out for my H's best interest, when I ask myself "how can I bring him joy today, how can give him love today?" things go so much better.
It's not about sex. It's about loving him. My prayers now sound like this "guide me to love my husband, guide me to bring him joy, bless our relationship" instead of "God, why don't I want sex? Help me want sex".
And I am finding it's not about sex at all. And I think it probably never is. No matter which role we take on HD or LD, we are in these relationships for a reason, to learn to give love, not get it. We must love ourselves enough to make choices that give us peace of heart. this allows us to make choices to love others better.
this is what I am learning, it helps me. I am working everyday to bring joy and peace to our relationship.
. Something that has really worked when I haven't been as much in the mood and my H initiates: I tell him, "Yes, I want to, but I need help." He then goes into high gear on helping me get aroused. It lets him know that I'm not rejecting *him*, but there's just this minor problem right now. Then I also get some extra help with my arousal and I don't feel so alone.