I disagree about only needing one to break the cycle. I have tried several times to give my W the things to make her happy - as as far as I could tell I did make her very happy. I tried to make it unconditional, but after a month or so of no change in my needs getting met (even after pleasant and un pleasant discussions) I would go back to being a jerk.
Going the other way seems to be working though. When she meets my needs I become the nicest H a woman could want. I've sent flowers to her work about 6 times in the last 2 months. Leave her cards in places she'll find them at a surprising moment. Buy her some small gifts. Run errands. Scratch her back. Watch the kids while she goes out with friends. Etc.
The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.
I agree with Fred that one person can't break the cycle alone. I've also tried to concentrate on my wife's needs with no conditions attached, and like Fred I broke down after a month or so after seeing no improvement whatsoever in the intimacy department. This doesn't necessarily mean that I quit concentrating on her needs - I've actually continued to do so because I think that's my responsibility as her husband. By breaking down I mean that the hurt built up to the point that I had to say something about it which resulted in the sex argument. My wife basically said that until I brought up our intimacy issues she was so close to feeling close to me again. But having the sex argument essentially wipes out any progress to that point. If she was starting to feel close to me, I don't understand why she couldn't make an effort to show me. Also, as Fred said, if my wife meets my needs I feel loved, happy, and I would do anything possible to make her feel the same way.
Jen, I just read your thead here and have seen some of your posts and can tell that we are very much alike. My advice to you ---listen to MPT! I could have written every one of her posts. Do what she says, I am living proof that it works. I too have felt like you did for the past 10 or so years. I finally realized that I missed the closness we used to have and was sick and tired of living this way. I put to use a 180 and boy did it work. I invited my h away for the weekend. I brought along some pretty lingerie, candles, etc. and litterly forced myself to have sex with my h as soon as we checked in (tip, K-Y really helps when you are not really in the mood). All of this was so unlike me that he was very surprised and delighted. I continued to force myself to do it and pretty soon I did not have to force myself anymore-I really wanted to and tell him so. He loves to feel desirable again and his attitude reflects that. This has helped our r so much. It makes us both happier and he is extra nice and loving to me.
I applaud your selflessness in caring about your relationship enough to try to do something about it even though you are the one that has the low libido. If only my wife would consider our sex life as critical to the relationship as you've realized it is for yours.
Jen, I have recently realized something which I wanted to share with you to see if it might fit for you. Now that my h and I are really back in sync, I've been reminded how much I like playing the seducer every now and then (or more often). In fact there are times when I wish he weren't so easy .
Do you remember if you ever enjoyed playing that part? When you lose your drive and an imbalance then develops in terms of who is doing most of the pursuing, it's easy to forget. And if your "HD" spouse is currently not as interested as you expected, have some fun with it! Remember to keep the idea of seduction fun for yourself. Even if your h doesn't respond, just enjoy doing it anyway just for yourself. Who knows, your enjoyment may be infectious!
Hi, there is another website I have been frequenting called marriagebuilders.com. There are questionairs for each spouse to feel out about their needs. Sex is one category. H and filled them out and then shared on Sunday. Which is what lead to the kissing.
I would highly suggest doing this if you can get spouse to play along. I learned much more about what H needs, wants in our R. And vice versa. There are also some great articles about sex and other R stuff.
I have found that between this site and that one. (Also an author I am reading) I have really been able to make some significant changes.
I know what you mean about your business. H and I have our own too, home-based and it can be a real romantic and sexual distraction.
Another thing that we discovered on Sun is that scheduling is a real issue for us. And we mutually decided that it was the cause of and solution to much of our conflict. To much work and our R got what was left over. It is not fun to live by the daytimer, but we are now using it to schedule "our" time together, to meet eachothers needs.
This whole R thing is a complicated, delicate balance. I have always been a self-improvment guru. The key there is "self". But I am shifting that to becoming a relationship-improvment guru. Since reading SSM, I am developing the skill to be empathetic to my H and his needs, not just sex, but all of his needs.
It seems like a slow process.
Good luck with your kissing! I think your H would like to know. My H was actually the one that brought it up. I knew I didn't like the way he did it. I didn't know he didn't like the way I did it. (very humbling) And yes it was very important to find humor in it, otherwise thing could have gone sour. I was proud of the way we handled it with eachother.
Afterthought... About the seducer role, I am working on it. I am telling you, I have completly forgetten how to be sexy! I can't believe how far away from my own sexualality I have strayed.
I am working so hard to find it again. Thanks for the suggestion.
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