I found "The Sex Starved Marriage" last Sunday. I can't believe that somone put into words my sexual relationship with my husband. I really thought we were the only ones going through this.
We've been together 10 years. Married 4. We are both 34. No kids. I have not been interested in having sex for at least a year before we even met. Prior to that I had a huge sex drive. No kidding, one day it was just gone. It went from a 10 to a 0 in one day and it never came back. I remember the moment. I was with a boyfriend, we were about to have sex and I didn't feel like it! I was confused and have been confused ever since. Unfortunatly, I have spent the last 10 years trying to figure out "why?" and what's wrong with me. Doctors, herbs, meditation, therapy, prayer, books and the list goes on.
My H and I now have sex about one time every one or two months. Mostly because I feel obligated and can see his frustration. It used to be that we had a good relationship other than this. Now is seems there just isn't a connection any more.
I can't begin to explain the guilt, self-doubt, and anger at myself over this. I am embarrassed and feel like a failure as a woman and wife.
About 2 weeks ago I did a funny little chinese horoscope thing and at the end got to make a wish. I wished that our sex life would go from it's current 1 to a 10. (I didn't ask for much, ha ha)
The next week I found Michele's book and this site. So far I have learned how important sex is in a marriage to keep that connection alive. And how much pain my husband must be in from the constant rejections. I have learned that I don't have to feel like doing it to actually do it. Most importantly I learned that the "why" doesn't really matter. And figuring out the "why" will not bring my desire back. I think letting go of the "why" is going to be my biggest challenge.
I have also learned to listen to the little (and they are little) signs inside myself that tell me I am not completely sexually dead inside.
When I came to this site I was looking for others who are the low desire partner. But I have mostly found the high desire partner looking for answers. This is odd to me because I'm always the one looking for answers and my h seem to deal with it by pouting and be mad, but never really looking for solutions. Although, deep down I know he is as desperate for change as I am.
It's one thing to know and learn new ideas. It is quite another to apply them. I guess I am looking for words of wisdom, support and/or encouragement to really apply the principles in the book and to do whatever I can to make a real change here.
I am so tired of the constant worry, anger, resentement and fear surround our sex life. I want my husband back and I want to be able to give him and myself this very important aspect of our sex life.
Any comments or suggestions greatly appriciated...
Jen You are not alone and you've come to the right place. I know exactly what you are going through. Unfortunately for me, I did not get the SSM until my H filed for divorce. I am still divorce busting and doing everything that I can to save my marriage but I fear it may be too late. I told my H if I had only found the SSM 6 months earlier, I truly believe if would have lifted me from the fog I was in and things would be very different for us right now. I understand all of the emotions that you are feeling; anger, sadness, guilt and even fear. I now understand all of the things that my H has been feeling. I have made him feel unloved & unattractive. To say that he is angry and resents me is an understatement. I am like you in the sense that I also used to have a very active sex life in previous relationships. I'm not sure why this happened to us? I do recognize that I have sexual desire and I too want a sexual and physically intimate relationship with my H...for the longest time I thought that sexual desire or urges were not something I would ever experience again. Now, I just need my H to give me the opportunity to show him my newly found desire. Hang in there, I know it isn't easy but at least you recognize that there is a problem. You have the book and I think that is such a great step!! Is your H open to reading the book too? Are you in counseling together?
Hopefully you will receive responses from some of the high desire people that post here. I have found it very helpful to read their posts and try to develop a better understanding of how my H feels and what he has been going through.
Quote: It's one thing to know and learn new ideas. It is quite another to apply them. I guess I am looking for words of wisdom, support and/or encouragement to really apply the principles in the book and to do whatever I can to make a real change here.
applying the principals in the book can help you to be done with feelings like theese
Quote:
I am so tired of the constant worry, anger, resentement and fear surround our sex life.
every time you are reluctant to apply the principals or try something new keep this statement in mind..
Quote: I want my husband back and I want to be able to give him and myself this very important aspect of our sex life.
keep in mind too that though it may seem that all we are looking for is "sex" that isn't the case...
I have been the woman in a ssm for a long time...it is not just the sex that I want it is the physical closeness....the touching and feelings that you don't share with others...a subtle hug...a kiss...a hand on the shoulder..the touching that doesn't always lead to "sex"
I'm happy to hear you are willing to make the effort...I wish my h would try to understand my feelings instead of just letting it go on as my problem.
Felt like someone just flipped the switch off, didn't it? And they didn't bother to ask you either! I know, been there. The good news is, it's back on for me. I hope you can take comfort from that. I was sure it was off for good and couldn't imagine my desire coming back. I think there were several reasons for how it got switched back on. One of which is just doing it regularly for several months. Any hormonal benefit that comes from just doing it may have started operating. It did take a lot of effort and using a variety of strategies to be able to just do it. Then there were some other problems that needed to be worked out with my husband to re-enliven the closeness and love between us that is my pilot light (not to overwork the analogy, but hey it works here! ) Right now, the switch is definitely back on and we've come up with some strategies to deal quickly with any dimming that may occur. There is hope.
Wow! I can't stop crying. Thank you so much for your responses. I have held this in and been dealing with it for 11 years by myself. It's astounding to me that there are other people who are out there who understand.
I got to page 100 in SSM yesterday and couldn't stop crying when I was reading either. I havn't cried in months about anything. This new way of looking at things is effecting me deeply.
Kelly, you asked if we are in therapy. No. We went one time before and did not get help with this specific issue. But yes my H is reading the book too.
There is so much anger between us. One wrong move, look, or word and either of us could explode. Although we both try, we really do, to be polite and nice to eachother. The anger doesn't go away. We work together at home, we are both artists. We are both very sensitive people. We are very much in the catch 22. He is hurt and mad because of not enough sex. I am hurt and made because he is insensitive, angry and nasty to me.
When we do have sex. (we did last week). It seems he withdraws even more the next day or so.
In the last few days since reading this book. I think to myself "just do it". And even by body (at times) feels like it. But I havn't pursued anything because my heart feels so angry at him. I will soften for one minute, then he says something insensitive or negative and I freeze up and walk away.
I have been trying to think about this like I do about my workouts at 5 am. When the alarm goes off getting up is sooo painfully difficult. But I know that if I get up and work through the next 5 minutes of discomfort I will feel great once I start working out and even better the rest of the day because I did something good for me.
I am trying to apply this approach to sex. Because once we are there, having sex, it is good to great. It's just that hump of getting past the anxiety and anger that is sooo challenging.
I also feel like he has just given up. And I don't blame him at all. But I am not even sure if he wants it anymore. I think he has become accustomed to being mad about it.
Everything feels so complex. It feels like that show "Fear Factor". I feel the way the competitors do before they do a challenge. I feel scared to death. But I think if I do it the reward will be a better relationship. That's worth way more than $50,000.
MPT, you said months of just doing it and your desire came back. How did you get yourself to "just do it?"
I think there is hope now, that i did not have before.
Thanks for "listening".
Further comments or suggestions are very much appriciated.
Quote: I also feel like he has just given up. And I don't blame him at all. But I am not even sure if he wants it anymore. I think he has become accustomed to being mad about it.
I'm not a man so I can't speak from a mans perspective but I will tell you...at times yes I have given up...and used to being mad about it...saying nothing....I start to not want it anymore because it is not the sex I am truly after it is the closeness...the hugging kissing...and ok sometimes the sex too...but when it doesn't come and I wait night after night after night after night not initiating because I don't want to be rejected to then have that add to my frustrations..I start to not even want it...hoping that he doesn't initiate because by then it will be just because he suddenly wanted it and oh why now!! then I don't enjoy it as much.
Quoting jen381: MPT, you said months of just doing it and your desire came back. How did you get yourself to "just do it?"
This was a process that was hard and I made mistakes that I will share too. I'm going to have to work on it before I post because it will probably be long. One caution: it wasn't until I addressed the anger I was feeling toward my husband with him that my desire really came back though. Going ahead and having sex fairly often probably improved his mood and his willingness to listen, plus I made sure I approached him in a way that wasn't threatening. So I can't say that just having sex will necessarily bring your desire back without ultimately addressing some of the other problems. But if having sex will make your spouse feel good about himself and about you, then you'll be in a better position to deal with the other stuff. I will post the list of suggestions soon.
Now, could you tell me more about how you get yourself out of bed at 5 a.m. to exercise?!
One thing you and I have in common is that we both had a strong sex drive and then lost it. This is a good thing in that you have memories to work with to help you now. The suggestions below are in no particular order. There are a number that will just repeat what’s in SSM. I got the book late in my project and remember mentally checking off things I was already doing. As always, these suggestions are some things that worked for me. Adapt as you see fit or don’t use them at all if they don’t work. Do be open minded though. Sometimes you’ll get surprised by what works.
1. Set some goals. Pick specific days or a specific frequency, maybe start with once a week. If H initiates, you know you’re going to go ahead no matter what in order to meet your goal (unless of course you’re in the hospital in a coma.) If he doesn’t initiate, you initiate regardless of how you feel. Your exercise analogy is right on target. You’re going to tell your brain to keep quiet when it says, “But you don’t feel like it. Your body isn’t ready. It won’t respond.” Repeat to yourself, some bodies respond AFTER getting started. (I wish I had had that piece of information when I first got started on all of this!)
Give yourself a pat on the back when you succeed. Don’t beat yourself up if it wasn’t earth-shattering or because you never really got aroused. Self-recrimination is very unhelpful for one’s libido. I learned this the hard way. Work your way toward a frequency you can both feel good about. (You’re not stuck with just your goals. You are allowed to exceed them. Your H won’t mind.) One problem: When I went ahead and had sex when I was royally pissed off at my husband, I usually found myself feeling pretty miserable about the whole thing. This is also unhelpful. I would overcome it and get back on track with my goals, but I’m still not sure if that is one circumstance where I should’ve broken my rule of “sex…no matter what!” If there is a situation where you do not think you will be able to feel good about yourself and your spouse after having sex, maybe it is the exception to rule of “sex…no matter what!” I’m not really sure though.
2. Get as healthy as possible. Clearly, you already know the value of exercise. Don’t forget SLEEP. Lack of sleep doesn’t just make people cranky. It has a host of other negative effects. Get a good quota of laughter in each day too, with each other if possible.
3. Reconsider your method of contraception if it currently involves messing with your hormones or causes you discomfort. Better yet, let him take responsibility for contraception. You have other things to concentrate on right now. (If he won’t take on the responsibility, you’ll still have to.)
4. If you don’t have sexual fantasies of the visual or story variety, maybe touch is your fantasy medium. Close your eyes and imagine being touched. Think about touch that just feels good, not necessarily sexual. Really get your imagination going, then try to move your imagination to other more sexual touching, something you remember as being pleasurable and arousing. Do this on your own. Make appointments with yourself, maybe in the shower or the tub if water feels good to you. Do lots of stuff on your own to try to arouse yourself without the pressure of trying to satisfy another person or the pressure of needing your body to respond RIGHT NOW. You don’t have to feel sexy to start doing this. In fact you probably won’t, hence the need for an “appointment” rather than waiting for the right feeling or mood. It felt very clinical to me, but my body did get back in sexual shape to some degree as a result. Don’t stress if you don’t have immediate success. Just try again another day. Practice doing this on your own and you’ll have some strategies to try when you’re with your spouse, even if you’re soooo not in the mood. Try old things and new things. Bodies change as they mature.
5. K-Y jelly (or other lubricant), also…
6. Check out the adult stores, not pornography per se but those that sell lingerie and sexual toys. This could be hard, but ask the clerk for lubricants, balms, or oils that can create pleasurable sensations. There are some with menthol that have a very interesting sensation. Maybe even let the clerk know a little about the problem. Some of them can be quite knowledgeable and helpful. And you won’t be the first person that’s ever asked for assistance! Don’t want to go in? Call them on the phone. If you don’t think you can do this, maybe your H can. One caveat with having your h do this is that he’ll be thinking about what would be arousing for him. He might get it wrong when it comes to what is arousing for you. But keep an open mind; you’re exploring.
7. Wear stuff that you feel most sexy in, or that you used to remember feeling sexy in. It may not be what is typically thought of as sexy. I had to really concentrate on what made me feel good and more in the mood and let go of all the cultural messages of what should make me feel sexy. Explore your memory for what you really felt good in. If possible wear it at non-sexual times as much as you can. The idea is to bring back and nurture those pleasant sensations (A sensation’s a sensation, no matter how small!) Wearing something that feels good and wearing it a lot may also get you thinking about sex in a more pleasurable way rather than with all the anxiety and stress that thinking about sex may cause now.
Your H may have to wait for you to wear something he finds sexy. Right now, you have to do what you need to do to help you get in the mood. There will be time later for his visual needs to be met! It may seem selfish that you’re going to focus so much on what makes you feel sexy, but right now you’re just trying to get to the point of having more sex. I really had to give myself permission to do what I needed to do to get myself ready. H will reap the benefits of having more sex, even if it isn’t exactly everything he wants at the moment. It’s a compromise.
8. If there are things going on that are occupying your mind, causing you stress, zapping your energy, see if you can get your H to help you with addressing them. Perhaps let him know it’ll be easier for you to relax and take the time for sex, if you could just get some of this stuff dealt with. It doesn't have to be some earth-shattering problem. It could be something really small that helps you.
9. If there are times of the month when you just don’t feel good, let your H know in advance rather than when he tries to initiate sex.
10. If there are times of the month when you’re more likely to feel a tiny bit sexy, make the most of it! I kept a calendar and found a monthly pattern to my limited arousal levels. I know, it sounds real clinical and not very sexy. (We went through years of infertility treatment, so I know all about calendars, scheduled sex, and non-sexy sex! ;-))
11. What to do when H’s behavior is decidedly unhelpful: Try to acknowledge the feelings behind any H behavior. Express sympathy. This might put him in a mood to be more understanding towards you. At the very least, you will have modeled compassion and sensitivity. (Sure, he could’ve gone first with the compassion, but it doesn’t really matter who goes first as long as somebody does.) Don’t let resentment of his behavior build. Just let it go. Easier said than done, I know. You know that you’re trying to make things better. Stay focused. If it is too hard on a particular occasion to acknowledge his feelings and express sympathy, at least try not to let his behavior get to you. I know it can be very frustrating to know he wants more sex, but he also behaves in ways that undermine your efforts to deal with the problem. Hopefully when he reads the section to the high desire spouse, he’ll be open to change some of the things he does.
MPT - just wanted to say that I wish my wife would put the kind of thought into improving our relationship that you have into yours. Your husband is very lucky. Just a quick update for you concerning my situation - since last weekend I've noticed my wife making some efforts to at least touch me in bed. Nothing overly sexy - just touching feet, etc. but it's enough of a change that I can tell she's making an effort. Now if I could just get you to call her and counsel her, maybe things would start heating up. I'm kidding of course, although I think it would be helpful if she could read some of the posts on here - especially the ones from women who either are or have been in her position. But my better judgement tells me to not even think about asking her to read posts on a messageboard - especially one where I've been posting. Oh well, at the moment I'm just trying to be happy with the slight improvement. I'm glad to see that things are going well for you.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR TAKING THE TIME TO SHARE YOUR STRATEGIES WITH ME. I AM GOING TO PRINT THEM OUT AND KEEP IN IN MY SSM BOOK AS REFERENCE.
JUST SO YOU KNOW. I WAS SO INSPIRED THAT AFTER I READ YOUR POST I ASKED H IF HE WANTED TO TAKE A SHOWER WITH ME. HE ACCEPTED. NEEDLESS TO SAY IF HE KNEW ABOUT OUR DISCUSSION HE WOULD THANK YOU TOO.
ONE OF THE BIGGEST LIGHT BULBS FOR ME IS REALIZING I DON'T HAVE TO BE IN THE MOOD OR DESIREING SEX TO HAVE IT. ALSO, IT HELPS TO KNOW THAT IT IS OK TO DO THINGS TO GET MYSELF IN THE MOOD. I USED TO THINK IF I WAS NOT IN THE MOOD THAT WAS IT... IF YOUR IN THE MOOD YOU DO IT, IF NOT YOU DON'T. I'M SURE THAT THIS STEMS FROM MY LONG GONE HIGH DESIRE DAYS.
IN THE PAST WHEN I THOUGHT ABOUT WORKING ON THIS ISSUE. I WAS WAS VERY CONCERNED WITH "WHY, WHY, WHY???". TRUTH BE TOLD I'M PRETTY SURE I KNOW WHY. AND THE REASONS ARE MULTIPLE. THEREFORE, (AND THIS IS SUCH A FRESH THOUGHT FOR ME) SHOULDN'T THE SOLUTIONS BE MULTIPLE?
THAT IS WHY I AM REALLY LIKING THE SSM BOOK AND YOUR POST. THERE ARE A MULTITUDE OF THING I CAN DO. USED TO BE I WOULD TRY ONE THING. IF THAT DIDN'T WORK THEN I WENT BACK TO THE WAY THINGS WERE AND FELT HOPELESS AGAIN.
BUT NOW I AM SO INSPIRED AND DETERMINED AND I AM NOT GOING TO GIVE UP. THIS IS THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS I HAVE BEEN THIS EXCITED ABOUT SEX. AFTER READING THE HIGH DESIRE POSTS HERE AND HOW I HAVE PROBABLY MADE MY H FEEL FOR SO LONG. I JUST WANT TO MAKE UP FOR ALL THE LOST TIME. I DIDN'T KNOW HOW IMPORTANT IT WAS FOR HIM AND FOR US AND FOR ME.
I HOPE THAT HE TAKES A RISK AND INITIATES SOON SO I CAN SAY YES.
I KNOW THIS IS GOING TO TAKE A LOT OF WORK. AND THERE ARE MANY THINGS I WANT FROM MY H. BUT BEFORE I START ASKING HIM I KIND OF WANT TO JUST GIVE TO HIM FOR A WHILE. DO YOU THINK THIS IS A GOOD IDEA? OR SHOULD WE HAVE A "TALK". I WANT HIM TO KNOW THAT I WANT TO CHANGE (HE'LL LIKE THAT) BUT THAT I ALSO WANT HIM TO CHANGE (HE WON'T LIKE THAT). OUR TALKS ALMOST ALWAYS END UP IN ANGER, FRUSTRATION, ETC. SHOULD I WAIT ON THIS DISCUSSION?
I ALSO WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT I SAW YOUR POST ON PORNOGRAPHY. WHEN WE FIRST GOT A COMPUTER (3 YEARS AGO). H BECAME OBSESSED WITH THE PORNO. STAYED UP LATE. ECT... THIS MADE ME SEE RED! AFTER LOTS OF FIGHTS HE AGREED NOT TO LOOK AT IT ANYMORE. AND THEN WENT INTO SNEAKING. I EASILY FOUND OUT, MORE FIGHTS, NOW HE'S NOT LOOKING ANYMORE.
FUNNY THING, I GET EMAILS ALL THE TIME FOR PORNO SITES. TYPICALLY I JUST TOSS THEM IN THE TRASH. LAST WEEK, I THOUGHT I WOULD TAKE A LOOK. JUST TO SEE IF IT WOULD STIR ANY SEXUAL THOUGHTS, FEELINGS. WELL IT DID. I FELT EXCITED. I USED THAT EXCITEMENT AND HAD SEX WITH H.
AFTER FIGHTING WITH H FOR A YEAR TO GET HIM TO STOP. HOW CAN I TELL HIM I LOOKED AT IT? WILL THIS GIVE HIM A LICENSE TO GO BACK TO LOOKING AT ALL THE TIME? I THINK I WILL LOOK AT IT AGAIN IF I NEED A BOOST TO HAVE SEX. NOW IM SNEAKING. ANY THOUGHTS?
ABOUT WORKING OUT. MY H AND STARTED THE "BODY FOR LIFE" FITNESS PROGRAM TOGETHER, 2 MONTHS AGO. THIS IS A GREAT THING AND BECOMING MORE FIT IS GOOD FOR BOTH OF US AND OUR SEX LIFE. I HAVE A LONG WAY TO GO TO BE IN THE SHAPE I WANT TO BE IN. BUT I HAVE MORE ENERGY AND THIS WILL HELP US A LOT!
GETTING UP AT 5 IS EASIER BECAUSE WE ARE DOING IT TOGETHER.
THANKS AGAIN FOR ALL YOUR SUGGESTIONS. I WILL KEEP YOU UPDATED ON THE PROGRESS.
ANY MORE THOUGHTS OR SUGGESTIONS ARE GREATLY APPRICIATED!
) Right now, the switch is definitely back on and we've come up with some strategies to deal quickly with any dimming that may occur. There is hope. 