No hard evidence of an affair this time but I basically got the ILYBNILWY again on 2/11.
For the last month I thought his stress and lower energy level at home was completely due to so much OT at work (hours he is working are reflected on his pay cheque). It was not until the beginning of last week, with the increasing feelings of isolation and neglect did I start to question things.
Finally was able to talk to DH saying I feel lonely and isolated and that all I need is for him to look me in the eyes and say I love you once in awhile. He responds "I don't know if I love you".
Then I said I need to see your iphone. Reminding him about transparency and that was one of the deal breakers (affair was in 2009). He refused to let me see it so I said I was moving all his stuff down to the spare bedroom. And I don't want to be with someone who does not love me.
Ideally I want our family -the two of us and the kids together - in our home.
If there was a PA, I cannot see that marriage would be an option. I don't think I would ever be able to trust him. If there was a PA, that would be his third confirmed one.
I am holding back and not initiating any talks. And that should not be too hard to do this week if he follows the same schedule being out of the house around 6 (before I wake up) and home around 7:30 (when I am getting the kids ready for bed) and crashing out on the couch before 9.
Feeling at a loss right now wondering what I should do.
Agree with Grace. Either this (if you can confirm it) is a boundary or it's not. Each of us have to determine for ourselves how many "strikes" we are going to withstand, but serial infidelity is a dealbreaker for most people.
Enforce your boundary, and let him twist for awhile. If he tries to initiate any "what are you going to do?" convos with you, say something like "I have some decisions to make," or "I'm thinking about some things" and don't engage. A boundary explained is a boundary weakened.
Expect him to wipe his phone clean and then either try to show it to you or "accidentally" leave it lying around where you can find it.
Finally was able to talk to DH saying I feel lonely and isolated and that all I need is for him to look me in the eyes and say I love you once in awhile. He responds "I don't know if I love you".
Then I said I need to see your iphone. Reminding him about transparency and that was one of the deal breakers (affair was in 2009). He refused to let me see it so I said I was moving all his stuff down to the spare bedroom. And I don't want to be with someone who does not love me.
Sounds like you need to go back to DB'ing basics. Detach and give him time and space. Remove all pressure from him.
Quote:
If there was a PA, I cannot see that marriage would be an option. I don't think I would ever be able to trust him. If there was a PA, that would be his third confirmed one.
So it sounds like you haven't been telling each other ILY for quite a while, has the intimacy also been lacking? Not sure what your sitch is, but I'm reminded of the chapter in 5 Love Languages that talks about how spouses can become paralyzed, both sitting with their love tanks on empty and wondering why their spouse doesn't fill it. So neither takes action, they just wait and wait and wait until the marriage crumbles. And even when that happens they still continue to wait, becoming more and more bitter the longer they wait. 5LL talks about how if you want your love tank filled you fill your spouse's FIRST and then they will be motivated to fill yours.
If there was a PA, I cannot see that marriage would be an option. I don't think I would ever be able to trust him. If there was a PA, that would be his third confirmed one.
So it sounds like you haven't been telling each other ILY for quite a while, has the intimacy also been lacking? Not sure what your sitch is, but I'm reminded of the chapter in 5 Love Languages that talks about how spouses can become paralyzed, both sitting with their love tanks on empty and wondering why their spouse doesn't fill it. So neither takes action, they just wait and wait and wait until the marriage crumbles. And even when that happens they still continue to wait, becoming more and more bitter the longer they wait. 5LL talks about how if you want your love tank filled you fill your spouse's FIRST and then they will be motivated to fill yours.
True (and also sad), but also would be inappropriate to do this now if there is indeed new infidelity going on here. Another DB basic ("pursuit.")
Agree with Grace. Either this (if you can confirm it) is a boundary or it's not. Each of us have to determine for ourselves how many "strikes" we are going to withstand, but serial infidelity is a dealbreaker for most people.
serial infidelity is a deal breaker for me.
Originally Posted By: Starsky309
Enforce your boundary, and let him twist for awhile. If he tries to initiate any "what are you going to do?" convos with you, say something like "I have some decisions to make," or "I'm thinking about some things" and don't engage. A boundary explained is a boundary weakened.
Sunday's talk kind of took off and it did not end like I expected. I just wanted to let him know how I had been feeling. Did not expect it to escalate to the point of enforcing my boundaries on transparency and send him packing to the spare room.
I will not initiate or engage in conversation.
Originally Posted By: Starsky309
Expect him to wipe his phone clean and then either try to show it to you or "accidentally" leave it lying around where you can find it.
If there was an affair, I would only expect him to be hyper vigilant on keeping his tracks clean.
If I was going to confront him with cheating, I would have waited to get hard evidence. Like I said before, I just wanted to let him know how I was feeling lately.
Now at this point, I don't know if I will be able to confirm if there is a new affair. I guess time will tell.
Thanks for checking up on me Grace. I'm hanging in there. Doing lots of thinking and will elaborate my thoughts later.
But for the moment just getting the daily chores, grocery shopping done. The kids have activities after school that will keep us busy until bedtime. Just booked an appt with my doctor. And later was going to call a lawyer for a consultation to check out my options.
H came home around 7:45pm just in time to say good night to the kids, and then disappeared downstairs for the rest of the evening.
I don't know about where you are, but around me, there are lawyers that will give you a free consult about a D. It might help you choose someone that you can work well with.
