See my profile below. Completely devastated about what is happening to my family. W started drinking soon after her father was diagnosed with dementia. She never drank before. Started going out with gf's, dressing younger, craving complements etc. BD caught be completely by surprise. She was the most honest, loving, responsible person I have ever met. During BD stated she missed out on dating growing up, even though she had serious relationships before me, and othe mlc stuff (been unhappy for years, never remembers good times, doing me a favor since I can go tag other women, etc). Her family, my family, church family are all beyond shock.
Since moving out (found inappropriate comment from a male on her facebook page, but nothing from her to him that 'forced' her out)she spends every minute of the boys waking hours at home, then leaves to go to bed (which makes it difficult to detach/give space). Spends all of her time on her cell phone. Talks one day of having a future together and the next not. Example, last Saturday she asked me not to force her to divorce that she just needs space, today she says she's only being nice to me for the sake of the children. Difference is she has plans to go out tonight to see a band play. It's the first time she's been 'out' since Christmas. She did say last week that she does not need to spend time with her friends, and two weeks ago that going out wasn't what she wanted to do.
Good news is that sons stay with me at home. They've spent two night with her. Both times they went down at bed time and are home by 8:30 next morning.
It's a sickening feeling and the children are starting to notice. Anyone have advice on how to GAL when you are responsible for children as, practically, a single parent? Does the fact that she stayed out of bars for 5 or so weeks indicate where she may be in the process? She is drinking alone at her place again, after stopping for about two weeks.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
Go to an alanon meeting in your area. Trust me it will help and it's a form of GAL.
Your w is clearly going through some heavy stuff right now and unfortunately it will take longer then you would like for her to come to her sense. Changing your time frame for her possible recovery will help you tremendously.
Being a single parent like I am right now is hard. Ask for help. If can afford to hire someone to help around the house, or maybe asking family for a hand is an option. This is a crisis and you can't get through it alone.
And seriously alanon works
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Thanks. I'm so focused on protecting my boys that I haven't thought about what I need to do for me. Is there a website where you can find local alanon meetings?
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
As for your wife - did she ever have a drinking problem before that you know of? Has she been on any medication or has she had gastric bypass surgery?
I ask because sometimes, medications or gastric bypass can trigger addictive behaviors. But most likely, your wife took up drinking to numb the pain of her father's passing - plus her father's passing made her acutely aware of the fleeting nature of life, and she may have had an early midlife crisis, thinking she was missing out on something.
Stick to the high road, put your energy into your kids, be an exemplary father. If she's capable of coming back from this, she'll appreciate you later for all those things. If she's not capable of returning, at least you'll feel good about having done your part and will have no regrets.
You have been given good advice by BM and KML above, take it to heart and keep posting.
It's also best to keep your families out of your marriage issues. I know the cat is already out of the bag, but you don't want to have them against her, because that will make it harder for her to return. Find one or two people you can confide in who will keep their mouth shut, and only tell everyone else bare minimum, general information. "Thank you for your concern, yes we are working through some personal issues", and then move on to the next subject.
As for GAL while caring for your kids, do you have any hobbies you enjoy? Maybe something that can include the kids? You need things that will keep you busy, and that you find interesting. How about getting a sitter? You need to get out some on your own or with friends too.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Kml, no she was completely against drinking as her father was a recovering alcoholic. Thanfullu, she has always been slim and trim. She did go on Effexor for panic attacks and it seems things got worse (drinking) and appears to have her numb in general. No tears at funeral.
Athletics is my passion, so I do have that with my kids. Also extremely active in my church. The family issue difficult. Small town with everyone in your business. My family heard before I mentioned it to them. Makes things very hard.
What do we do for valentines day? Card to show we care or nothing?
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
I handled the going out ordeal better than I expected. Got up Sunday morning and took the boys to church, which is our routine. Oldest was upset that mommy didn't go with us. Spent time with family playing sports yesterday afternoon and me and the boys had a great time. W came by when we got home but was too occupied with her cell phone to spend much time with boys.
She is trying to convince me to plan a family vacation together. Says we need to sacrifice for the boys sometimes. Had to bite my tongue on that one.
Anyone have thoughts on vacationing with my new 'friend'/W?
Diff subject, but why does it take my posts two days to show up?
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
Had to confront W last night about ignoring the kids. She didn't take my advice to well. Monday she informed me that she hit a tree while out Saturday night. Just keep piling up the problems. I laughed at her when she told me. I guess I'm preparing for when the boys are teenagers. What fun!
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
W came over this evening just like normal. I've noticed the last couple of days that she is sneaking drinks while here. I'm realizing that the drinking may be more of a problem that I thought.
She made a comment to S9 that she had different feelings for him than she did for me because I'm her husband. Ill take that. We shared lots of laughs as a famy at the supper table. It felt so good.
She seemed happy that I bought the S's v-day cards and gifts. She asked if the cards were from dad to S's. smiled when I told her no they were from both of us.
Last positive comment was when she looked at her 401k statement. Hers is doing quite well, and she thanked me for making the correct changes in her investments. I made them over a year ago and lately she can't remember what she had for lunch.
I find myself wondering if she's just using me, but its my decision to make her feel safe. Not getting upset over her damaging the car may have won me some points. I told her it was ok, that it happens to everyone. She said, 'not you!!!' I was able to remind her that I hit a tree 5 or 6 years ago, but I squared it with my bumper. We had a good laugh.
I'm beginning to think she looks at me as being 'perfect', due to statements she's made, and possibly feels her drinking makes her unworthy of the relationship?? Not sure what I should do to help her understand what love means.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
Yes you can google alanon & your state and usually there is a website where you enter your zip.
I wish I could explain in words how alanon will help you but I am not that articulate. This is not a short journey. Your wife is in crisis. Some people take the elevator all the way to the bottom before they see the light.
Take care of yourself and your boys.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
