Diving in with my eyes closed

[2chiquitos]

I have been so hesitant about posting on this forum. I worry that I'll jinx myself and tomorrow I'll be back on the newcomers forum.

So...I really don't want to give a summary. That's how fearful I am! I know, weirdo. It might even take me a while to post again here...

So quick quick summary. H said he wants to try. He said he is no longer involved with OW. I will always be the love of his life. He wants our family to be whole again. He wants me to have the strength to try also.

This confession of his came about because I told him I no longer wanted to try. I want us to live our lives separately. I wasn't angry or hurt or manipulative in my talk with him. I was very sincere.

After a couple weeks of this, I went back to reading After the Affair and realized that I need to allow myself to be vulnerable again ( ) if I want to work on us.

I was feeling tired at the thought of trying but now I feel re-energized again.

Much support needed.

[Starsky309]

So quick quick summary. H said he wants to try. He said he is no longer involved with OW. I will always be the love of his life. He wants our family to be whole again. He wants me to have the strength to try also.

Vero,

My advice to people in this situation is almost always the same:

1. Start by saying "I'm afraid it's not that simple anymore," and make NO decisions about letting him immediately back into the marriage emotionally, physically, legally and financially. TAKE IT SLOW. The #1 mistake betrayed/left-behind spouses make is LETTING THEM BACK IN TOO EASILY.

2. Assuming you did that (and you didn't say if you did or not, and I'm sorry I'm not familiar with your sitch) you need to ask him EITHER for some sort of detailed plan (that would include no-contact which includes his sending a no-contact LETTER to his OW, the content of which is to be approved by you and the letter is to be mailed/delivered by you, so he doesn't add or subtract from it after you approve it) . . . OR I've also seen it done where the betrayed spouse merely asks the returning spouse a very broad "This was your mess; what are you willing to do to clean it up and make me feel safe in the marriage again?" In other words -- bounce it back on THEM.

Doing these things will help you feel safe again. You need to understand that that is HIS job now -- NOT YOURS. If he's truly repentant and truly wanting to reconcile, he will be willing to move Heaven and Earth to do them. "I'll do anything; what is it going to take?" is the attitude you're looking for. Don't get me wrong, he won't be able to DO that every day -- you two will have fits and starts -- but the ATTITUDE and the WILLINGNESS needs to be there right from the get-go, otherwise you shouldn't let him back yet -- he's not ready.

My two cents.


Starsky

[Starsky309]

He said he is no longer involved with OW.

What evidence do you have that this is true?


I would strongly suggest full no-contact, and a thorough transparency plan be put in place, with at least one form of intel NOT being known by him (so that you'll know if he breaks his promised no-contact, if in fact he promises this).

The addict needs to be separated from the source of his addiction. This will be good for BOTH of you!

This is great news, Vero, if he's truly ready.


Starsky

[2chiquitos]

Thank you Starsky. I've been considering making a low and high demands list that I got from the book after the affair. High would be the letter/email to OW.

Honestly, I've had these conversations with him so much that I just want to take a break from it all. What's also helping is that his actions demonstrate him moving closer and closer to us.

All in all GREAT things to think about.

[Starsky309]

Thank you Starsky. I've been considering making a low and high demands list that I got from the book after the affair. High would be the letter/email to OW.

Honestly, I've had these conversations with him so much that I just want to take a break from it all. What's also helping is that his actions demonstrate him moving closer and closer to us.

All in all GREAT things to think about.

I understand you're emotionally spent, Vero, and there's also the whole "I don't want to spook him!" thing. I get it. I myself squirmed like a witch with holy water poured on her when my sponsor/mentor coached me to do these very things. Today, looking back the 5 1/2 years, I can see that he was right (and even saw in just a couple of months where my way didn't work, before I tried his way).

I would just caution you, however, that you really only get ONE SHOT at this. It is now -- when they ask back into the marriage -- that is your moment of maximum leverage.

You'd be wise not to squander it.


Starsky

[Starsky309]

P.S. And they are not "demands," they are boundaries. Your position should be "Hey, you're an adult and you're free to do whatever you want, but the man that I choose to be married to will respect my X, Y and Z boundaries."

[Starsky309]

I'll try to read more of your backstory. I'm on page 3 of your most recent Newcomers thread so far. I see where you have an Al-Anon sponsor; I myself am the adult child of an alcoholic (35 years recovering and sober, praise God) with a lot of other addictions and co-depedency issues in my family. Like I said . . . I GET IT.

[Starsky309]

P.S. And they are not "demands," they are boundaries. Your position should be "Hey, you're an adult and you're free to do whatever you want, but the man that I choose to be married to will respect my X, Y and Z boundaries."

I just read this in your thread, and this is a GREAT example of where you effectively communicated (and enforced!) a boundary. You weren't "demanding" this thing, you were merely stating -- firmly and lovingly -- this is what I need:

H n I had an R talk tonite.
H: I was hoping to come over tomorrow morning before work. I'll bring starbucks. (LL-Gifts!)
Me: I wanted to talk to you about that. I want to rephrase what I said the other day (only come am n pm if you plan on spending the night once a week and plan on reconciling). I would rather you came am n pm if you plan to make an added effort to reconcile. I want you to know that I have recognized your efforts thus far (family outings, dinner without the kids) but I need to see more. I don't want to say what "more" looks like because I want to leave that up to you.

<<<This is where it gets good. Get your popcorn out.>>>>

H: I don't feel comfortable spending the night because it will confuse S4. He will expect me there everyday and ask these really deep questions about the sitch.

H: I have to admit that last night when I lay down with S4 I struggled to get out of bed and leave. I want to stay.

H: WHen I don't see you guys in the morning I feel empty as if something is missing. My days are long. I feel a mini-depression. The few times I do stop by I have such a good day.

Me: I completely understand. I feel the same way. I look for you when I feel sad or getting depressed but I'm learning to find other ways to deal with that. I get very sad seeing you go and I feel empty inside which is why I would rather you didn't come. Unless I see more effort coming from your part I need to take care of that empty feeling I have inside me.

Perfect.

(OK, back to being the resident hard-ass now . . . )

[scaredsilly]

vero, i'm so glad to see you over here. i could see you doing what you needed to do to be happy without your H so he could see it, too.

good luck to you over here. keep making decisions that mean the best for you and your kids. if your H continue to want to R and work on it, it will be the best for him and your R, too.

((((()))))

[AnotherStander]

I have been so hesitant about posting on this forum. I worry that I'll jinx myself and tomorrow I'll be back on the newcomers forum.

I think a lot of people feel that way when they move to piecing and it's unfortunate because those who are not there yet can use all the hope they can get, so congrats for overcoming your fear and posting here You're in great hands with Starsky, he's offered some awesome advice Good luck!!