Sometimes, things happen and the rollercoaster starts again. I think I have to see what transpires in March when GF goes away. I realize it sounds like cake eating, but to give H a taste of what he will be missing and to keep emotional connection would be beneficial, I think, since he has says it was someone who wanted him that was nice.
I think I have to resign myself to where I am for a couple of months until I can see if the physical relationship will resolve anything. I do know it could throw me in deeper. In that instance, I will have to back out completely, I guess to save myself. I think I am strong enough to do this, but we will see.
Although I know it is not DB 100%, I think I must do what works in my sitch. If it doesn't, I can DB like a madwoman because what have I lost lol?
Talking yesterday with H about things. He feels he can ever come back here, that this is not where our paths cross.
It would have to be elsewhere and I said "You really have this need to leave everything behind, don;t you?" He said yes. I finally got up the courage to ask if that included me, and he said everything and he could not go back to the way he was before.
I asked if that was old me and old us, or new me that he had to be away from. He said that he didn't even know the new me and he was in a relationship right now But of course, is willing to sleep with me when she is away for five weeks. This is a long story here, so I won't get into why I think it is okay for me to do this )
Although, he has his reservations about it, because he says he is not in the place to make any kind of emotional connection and not yet anyway. Also he says he doesn't know if he will ever be able to. Regardless, he doesn't ever see the husband, wife, dogs etc thing in his life.
I said that I would not expect it, simply because we seem to function better within our own spaces, at least for now. He has acknowledged that he has a lot of dark spaces inside and I am not the only one who has said to get help.
He pushes me constantly to see other people and date, and tells me not to wait around. Also that what I want and need are not him. I asked if by that he meant that what he wants and needs is not me... That's what led to the comment about the need to let everything go in his life.
He said he did not know if he would ever be ready for an emotional relationship and again told me to date etc. He was not what I needed.
I replied he was and I was waiting, but I did not discount the possibility of someone else coming along and knocking me on my butt. If and when that happened, I would have to re evaluate where my path was leading as well.
I also mentioned that I was moving forward. That him being in a relationship did not change my mind, or loving him stop me from moving forward every single day.
He also said he thought about us switching off residences and that his initial reaction was that he was mad, because I wanted a little down time. But when he thought more about it, he saw it as an opportuntiy to spend more time with the kids etc. That is GF (blah) also thought he should spend more time with kids. Ass a result, he would spend more time out here, come April, do a few small jobs a round the house, etc
I am glad, because I want to see his relationship grow. Luckily for me, his GF is very cautious about being in my children's lives. Thank God, she is not skanky ho lol!!
So this is where I be, folks. Okay most days, rollercoaster others. We will see if March pans out, H is scared. I said, look...we will just hook up, have a few laughs if the sex actually s*cks, drink some wine, talk all night etc.
Off to a 12 hour day lol!! It is snowing so skiing should be fun
I guess I will just keep posting to myself and eventually hit one hundred lol!!
Journal:
H and I texted back and forth today. He took me to task for a few things in our marriage but then admitted he was being a dickhead lol and was just having a hard time equating logical with emotional self. He understands I love him and want him, but emotionally wonders why now and not before?
I basically laid it on the line and said I thought he was sexy and was very attracted to him, however I had no interest in taking up old relationship by the people we were. That I wanted a new relationship to see where it would go. I felt that I was not the person he knew and perhaps he wold not even be attracted to new me.
That I loved him and am good with that.
That I am moving forward on my own path and am good with that, but I decide what my path entails and if I don't want or need so done else beside me that is my choice ( he keeps pushing me to date etc)
That I know he may never love me in the way I want and I am good with that as well.
That I love his lightness and his dark and only want him, as he is.
He said "fair enough " lol.... He doesn't know his own mind, but basically texted me he has a hard time believing my interest but not to give up......
And more posts. H seems to go back and forth about his relationship with GF. Hot and cold it seems. This week hot lol! But he texts and flirts and sexts me, but also has admitted he is in a dark place. Ugh. Not very detached this week am I? Stupid valentines day....
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