Found a list of things to stop on Husband's phone. Number three was "wife". After a conversation in which I asked if he was happy and he said no, he said he was done with the marriage, hadn't been happy in a long time.
I said that then he had to leave. Although, he had been away from M-F already every week, as we have a place in the city, an hour or so away. This has been the situation for over four years.
This transpired over five months ago. Since then I found out he had a girlfriend (not before he left) and so I have been DBing my butt off, since then.
Recently I found out that he no longer has a GF.
While I was accepting of the GF situation, in terms of how I felt (love him) and how I was dealing with it...I now need to find a way to deal with the fact that his relationship is done.
Pay in mind that we are actually still close. Very good friends etc, with more than a hint of physical undertones in our conversations and how we react to one another.
I just feel he needs this time to get his own sh*t together and to begin any sort of physical relationship (even though lack of intimacy was main reason he left) is not the right way to begin to reconnect.
He has told me he is not ready for any emotional relationship tied with physical relationship, but would have an FWB situation.
Given we were married for over 15 years, I think that separating the two would be an impossibility, especially for me.
While I know that a physical relationship would bring us closer, my fear is that he feels he has burned the bridges that lead him back. He does not want divorce, says he has no desire to marry ever again, and separation is fine. Due to the fact that he had another woman almost right away, drove many of our friends to my side in terms of sympathy etc. I really do not think he could be back here and happy.
I actually am willing to entertain relationship without having a common household, rather two of them. Is this weird?
I have been reading the posts here since September, and I know you all have some great advice.
Believe none of what he says and half of what he does. Have NO EXPECTATIONS. Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise. Most of us lose weight after BD.
You are on moderation right now on the forum. SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Found a list of things to stop on Husband's phone. Number three was "wife".
Bizarre! What were 1 and 2?
Quote:
This transpired over five months ago. Since then I found out he had a girlfriend (not before he left) and so I have been DBing my butt off, since then.
DB'ing is all about taking stock of your faults in the M and doing 180's on those things. Can you touch on what those problems were and your 180's?
Quote:
I just feel he needs this time to get his own sh*t together and to begin any sort of physical relationship (even though lack of intimacy was main reason he left) is not the right way to begin to reconnect.
Be careful about blaming H. You need to own your problems while giving him time and space to think things through.
Quote:
Given we were married for over 15 years, I think that separating the two would be an impossibility, especially for me.
That's your choice, Michele says in DR that continuing to have sex after an S is OK as long as the LBS isn't being hurt by it. But if you feel it would hurt you, then don't do it.
Quote:
He does not want divorce, says he has no desire to marry ever again, and separation is fine.
Well that's good, it means you have plenty of time. Use it wisely!
Quote:
I really do not think he could be back here and happy.
I actually am willing to entertain relationship without having a common household, rather two of them. Is this weird?
You mentioned the house in the city, so haven't you already been doing the two household thing? How has that worked out?
Thanks, AS I appreciate the reply, there is also a whole lot of history in the past four months and of course the marriage that I am not getting into right now for a few reasons, but will go there eventually.
I have been keeping up on your sitch, and it seems like things are moving in a great direction for you Very happy!
Problems: Control freak (very common in the LBS, I see) I think, for me, it was hard to equate strength with any perceived weaknesses, such as letting someone else have their way or acknowledging my way wasn't best or I was wrong.
Decision Making- I just made them. H was working in different city five days a week. Just began making the decisions and carried on even when he was home and it should have been joint decision or asked for input.
Sex- having not seen H all week you think I would want it, right? Not. Understand now that it was part of control and also my needs were not being addressed (5LL-very enlightening)
Was dismissive of any input from H, didn't demonstrate physical affection much, had also been WAW without actually ever going anywhere.
180's
Control- I don't. The only person I can control is me. H says it is now "frustrating" to talk because I listen and nod and smile. I validate his view and if I disagree, I just say "I can see why you think that way." I also will add on occasion that the opinion he has isn't for me, but I can see where he is coming from (this is for big things, like, he has decided that all emotions are bad and lead to bad decisions...sigh). He had mentioned that all our marriage anytime he proffered an opinion he was waiting to be smacked with the figurative rolled up newspaper. Now he never gets smacked lol!
Decision Making- I ask his opinion. I leave some decisions totally up to him. Ex. I am a fantic about education. Son is off to the equivalent of junior college. I have totally kept out of decisions, paperwork etc and left it to H and S. H mentioned other day he wouldn't mind if S took year off if he could not decide what to do or couldnt get in. H looked at me and waited for newspaper...I said "Sure, but he is not living with me." After the shock of me agreeing wore off :P, he said "Yes is is, and he can work at X (seasonal)
I asked "What about winter?"
He replied "Y" (which is 25km away)
I asked, "Who's going to drive him?"
H mumbled something about arranging a ride and then said he could get him a job in a warehouse,at the end of year, S would want to be in school.
I said that it sounded like a great idea and H was right, hard, boring labour with little pay would probably make S think twice.
Subject dropped by H
Sex- not much to do about that...H has GF, but recently she has told him she wants a more open relationship lol! Or has already slept with someone else and H found out last week. So, he is more than happy to have PI with me. But know, he has started dating and the whole thing is feeling a bit bizarre to me.
Emotionally, we are still very close. I mentioned that I was unsure about my emotions if I did sleep with him. He said he didn't want to hurt me, but he could sleep with me and "turn off" his emotions.
So, I think I have to explore a little further if I could sleep with him without expectation...not sure.
Houses-yes two places so no different . I just think he is pretty happy that nothing much is expected of him anymore in terms of time, chores, driving etc.
Do I think he needs help? Yup. Have mentioned it. He says he is not ready. I said that perhaps now is the best time, rather than going through all your emotions alone.
Do I think H is depressed? Yes, but that is not a conversation we have had recently. He is exercising. lost 50 pounds, eating well, but smokes a pack a day and still likes to drink. I think he has thoughts of how easy it would be to be dead, but would never do it because of me and kids...we have skirted this conversation. I have told him to remember what I can be like and I would come to the other side to kick his a$$ if he ever did.
I also said that I have strength to lend, that I will not put him back on his feet if he should fall, but I would always offer a safe place to rest until he could get back up himself.
Being a fixer (labug...:) ) we like to fix. It is good. But the realization we can't fix everything or everyone is a tough one for us. People especially have to fix themselves.
BTW- the first two quits were smoking and drinking...man....if I had kept my mouth shut I still would have been here roflmao!
So, quick text from H, saying Dude...because he's taken to calling me dude (which is pretty much unspoken code for "friend" lol) you've gone Old School. Although I do not have him as friend on facebook, he has access through friends of friends and saw I posted "Outfield's" song "I don't want to lose your love"...lol.
If you know that song, it cracked me up given the sitch....
I told him "Yeah, love that song, but am busy so I will talk later..."
That's it
Feeling strangely solid today and good with where I am.
Good things:
Colleague said that on his scale of totally amazing I am the criteria for a ten
My day off yesterday and staff missed me
Had to show pic of my S17 to prove I had a 17 yr. old. :)))
Did weights and Zumba and friends commented on how cut I was and contemplated getting rid of Hs if this was result...lmao!!
Text yesterday about a good day skiing? Left phone downstairs, didn't check it before I went to bed, got it this morning. Will reply
I am a little more detached now. This whole dating other women and seeing what's out there has kind of put the brakes on all my emotions at this point.
While we are not friends on FB, I could see his limited profile. Although there were mobile uploads from Wednesday night at 11:30 pm, and it made me wonder what they were (not available to non friends) I didn't really fret after the initial wondering. Previously this would have kept me awake as it rested somewhere in conscious or even sub conscious...
Husband's GF is going away for 6 weeks. I have basically said I want to sleep with him. Before I get flamed for this, this is my thinking: 1) to reconnect on physical level, hoping to speak his LL, even if for a while since our emotional connection is strong. 2) To see if there is a spark. If it is just a case of wanting what I can't have, then I really have to detach and move forward. If there is a connection, well, I evaluate it and still go forward 3) Necessary because our sex life was crap for past five years and my libido has seemed to come back from vacay. So, was it me, or lack of desire for H or just a case of not compatible...I have to know for me.
H seems to be back and forth, now has recommitted to GF, since I guess she said let's try a committed relationship, so he is not dating. Don't know how he will justify to himself this indiscretion, but I am not the boss of him...so.
Journal:
H said he was coming to clear out some more things today (personal effects). I said the rest can be whenever, he said he would be sooner than later and it was necessary so he could close some loops.
He can't have dinner here, basically can't spend time with me, so what did he agree to with GF? She gets upset if she thinks he is with me, I think. Good thing she never sees the convos. I basically said that H has to spend more time with kids and if he would agree to switching residences every second weekend. He said no, then backtracked and said I could have apt when I needed a break. I said that although, as he said, kids input is important on how they spend weekends, if it meant that kids were 24/7/365 with me or close to, then my input counted as well, because I would need a break.
That I was happy for H to see kids as often as he wanted to, but it had to definitely be more often than now, even though they are D13 and S16. He said it will take years to develop relationship with D, but I said you have to start now...not wait.
GAL'd today with some required training. Asked H to take D to her activity and he drove out to do so. Said thankyou (180) for re arranging your schedule and gave him a bottle of wine. He left it and texted that spending time with D doesn't require gift (yay!) before he would have been resentful, but I was sure to ask, not demand, acknowledge his sacrifice to rearrange schedule and made the lunch. All things I would not have done previously.
He has been nice, flirty and lovely towards me, so have no complaints lol...well for except he is gone lmao!!
Ran the farthest I ever have yesterday for training...hurt, but felt good !!
Asked his opinion last night about something even though I know he was out to dinner with GF. I generally try not to contact H when I know, but my hands had turned bright red, like I had been eating ketchup chips, except for two splotches on palms. He does have extensive first aid so I thought he might know and couldn't find anything relevant on internet. He did get back to me briefly and again this morning to check the status. (They are still kind of red...weird...:) )
If I text him, he always gets back, but if he is with GF, he will text "not alone..." and will text later. So, obviously there are issues with his relationship with me and how his GF perceives it. (Not well lol)
Not sure what this says, since I have no idea what goes through his mind...
Today, run, do errands, go to work...exciting day lol!
So, H informs me that he and GF are spending the weekend at a friend's of ours and that she will be skiing with him at the same hill even though D will be there training. He won't eat or talk wit GF while with D though and won't introduce GF, because GF has concerns about kids as well.
What am I to do? This seems to be getting more serious. I know that he would sleep with me and I know we are friends, but he seems to jump back and forth etc. etc. Is the fact that someone wanted him when I didn't a huge part of this?
I wrote back and said only "Thank you for replying and being so honest, I only wish I had known that I wanted you all along and wish that I had told you so earlier."
Wow. Was feeling like not running before, but have to run the hamsters out now lol!
Okay, going running to stop myself from: A) crying...sometning I haven't done in a while
B) from asking him to work it out to come back because I love him etc etc.
Bad day after email from him about GF being at a place that was "ours"
Bad day after seeing what he wrote about going slow with GF becasue she cares about kids too...insinuating a long term thing (this after last week's going to see other people thing)
I know I know, none of what you hear and half of what you see.
I think a big part of their R is the fact that someone wanted him when I didn't (intimacy wise) and he basically said that "Having someone want me helps"
Arrgghhh!!! I want him, but was too stupid to see!!
