Another desperate husband. Please help.

[desperateman]

Before I begin, please allow me to say that I know I have been a bad husband. And I'm here because of my own actions. I can't change the past, but I would sincerely like to work on the future and try to get my wife back.

My wife of 6 years emailed me on the morning of Jan 17th and said she wants a divorce. I was 22 and she was 30 when we got married. The age difference didn't bother us and we truly loved one another. I know I still do and I think she does too.

When I first read that email, I felt as if I was about to die. I immediately felt hopeless. The next two-three days were very horrible. I contemplated suicide, begged her to change her mind, told her I would do whatever it takes to save our marriage. After reading some of the posts here, I realize that was a mistake. I stopped all contact with her 3 days ago because she said she does not wish to communicate with me. That it disturbs her peace.

My marriage broke down for a few different reasons. I come from South Asia and she is a US citizen, but we live in Canada. Because of cultural differences, I couldn't tell my parents that I was going to marry her. They would have never accepted this. She was fine with it. I was going to university and soon she found work. The town we lived in was small and I hated it. Slowly, my hate and dislike for living in that town took over me completely. I lost all my motivation and cut back on my classes at University.

I realized I wasn't happy and motivated and because of that my marriage was suffering. So I went on a month long vacation to be alone, work on my inner problems and myself. My wife didn't complain and was okay with it. I came back determined to find a job. I applied for a few jobs that were available, but didn't have any luck. So I moved to a different (bigger) city where I felt there would be more job opportunities. And she supported me (she too likes this city better than the one she lives in currently but I don't know if that's true anymore). Helped me move as well. That was 2 months ago. Since she asked for a divorce, I have literally doubled and tripled my efforts to get a job. Have had a some interviews as well..but so far no luck. That has been the main reason for my current problems. She feels I wasn't motivated and was erratic. Also, she feels that I should have told my parents about the marriage. And I had already decided that I would as soon as I landed a job. I felt that once they know that I have a job and I'm settled and happy with the person in my life, they would eventually accept my marriage. I now realise I waited too long. During these two weeks, I have told her that I will tell my parents everything, no matter what the consequences. And I fully intend to do that on Feb 10th (my parents are away until then and I can't reach them).

Some of the things she has said in her emails (there haven't been many since she told me about her desire to divorce): "I love you and care about you and that won't change" (I don't know if this was her way of letting me down gently), "You are one of the smartest people I know and you have many good qualities, but you need to start doing better for yourself", "I resent you, I feel like I have wasted my time with you. I wanted things in life", "If you cared about me you'd let me go and say '<name>, let me go. Just agree to meet me in a year and half and see how I have changed'.", "I'm very angry at everything right now", "We are separated and I really just do not wish to communicate with you", "I will help you with our joint debts but only communicate with me if its about the debt or things you have left behind", "I have no reason to stay", "I need some stability in life", "I find myself more at peace when I'm alone", "when you went on that vacation, something inside me 'broke'" (but she never said or seemed against it at that time, but now I think her silence was a way to avoid a conflict).

She is adamant on divorce. She can't file for divorce until Jan 1st of next year. But I feel like she has made up her mind and won't care about anything from here on..when I get a job and whatever else. As I said earlier, I know I made mistake when I begged and pleaded her to change her mind. I was stupid enough to let her know that I felt suicidal for the first two days. I haven't emailed her or communicated with her for the past 3 days. I realise she needs her space and my emails were only making it worse. I know my desire to make the changes has come late. But I'm very determined to make those changes. I just hope she will give me a chance to show her the "new me" before its too late. I have a bad temper, but I have made improvements to overcome that bad quality over the past one year. And this episode made me go see a therapist to further help me with this personal problem since one of her complaints was that whenever she had a grievance, we would end up fighting.

Is there any hope? I love my wife a lot (I know everyone here loves their spouse and I'm no different). Will she give me one last chance even though she says she doesn't want to be married anymore? Being in different cities doesn't help either.

She had come to visit me on Christmas vacations. We spent 10 days together. Had a nice time. She even said so herself. Texted me while waiting for her flight: "I had a nice time with you". Then 16 days later, that email arrives. It is very hard for me to focus on job search in this condition, but I have managed to continue to do that after the first two days of crying. Its still very hard but I'm trying to hang in and do what needs to be done. Yesterday was a particular bad day. I broke down on my way to an interview.

I picked up a copy of Divorce Busting and The Divorce Remedy last evening. Have only read the first 15 pages of DR thus far. But form what I have read, its geared towards couples who live in the same household and is meant to help such couples. Is that correct?

Also, I have never cheated on her and as far as I know, she has either (but some posters here have said that once a wife is so adamant on divorce, it usually means she has some other man in her life). I don't know how relevant this is to my problem/situation.

I'm sorry I have been all over the place with story. I wish I could be more oragnised in my details but I'm having a hard time focusing. I will fill in more information as it comes to mind. I spend the days applying for jobs, and nights perusing forums like this.

I need this community's help and guidance. I need some hope that I can save my marriage and get the love of my life back. Please help!

~ a very desperate husband.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Most of us lose weight after BD.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.
This is the right place to be.
You will get to the right place again.
This part is in YOUR control.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[stilllookingup]

What are you talking about!? No hope? You still have a whole year to change! She said in the email "Just agree to meet me in a year and half and see how I have changed" She wants to see the change!

However though, what do you think she means she feels she wasted time with you? My H was out of work for nearly 3 years and I was really frustrated because I felt he could've tried harder (he admitted this later too) but I never thought even for a second to leave him because of that. I know some women absolutely find men with no work unattractive but do you think that's the case? Is it hard to find a job because of the economy?

Look. Bottom line is she's really upset right now and what she wrote in her email was probably her true feelings RIGHT now. but it doesn't mean that she'll be feeling the same way in few months. Use this time wisely and work harder to change

[desperateman]

Oh, I'm so glad my thread finally showed up! Easily the best moment of my life in the past 3 weeks.

@stilllokingup: I don't know what exactly she meant by "I feel like I've wasted my time with you". She did say things like "I'm f*****g done", "I literally can't do this anymore", "I have no reason to stay", "I resent you", "I'm very angry at everything now". Those statements make me feel hopeless. She refuses to see or talk to me. I haven't emailed her in a week because I realised it was making her more angry. I don't know if she is having an affair; but even if she is, we can work it out if she is willing.

I have already started working on making the changes that she wanted. Being in different cities makes it hard. I don't know if she will ever notice the changes, or how she will notice them. I fear it will be too late. I have sent our my resumes to god knows how many places. Had 3 interviews as well. But no luck so far.

[stilllookingup]

Let me ask you this. Does she want kids? What about you?

[MrBond]

So, just to understand, you haven't had a job the whole time you were married?

[stilllookingup]

By the way mine did it in email too. I know everyone thinks its so wrong but I know him too well - that was the only way he could be completely honest about his feelings.. And I too felt as if I was about to die when I read it. I was at work and I couldn't get up and my hands were shaking. Everyone her has been through the horror. It took me about 2-3 weeks until I snapped out of the misery and started working on myself.

I know you are still in the phase so cry, scream and have a close friend come over for support. While you are in this phase though, do NOT backslide and beg, cry and ask her to change her mind. You've done enough and she won't tolerate anymore. She probably means it when she means she doesn't want to talk to you right now so do not!

[AnotherStander]

I stopped all contact with her 3 days ago because she said she does not wish to communicate with me. That it disturbs her peace.

Good, now stick with that. She's specifically asking you to give her time and space, so do it! I'm sure 3 days seems like an eternity to you, but to her it's the blink of an eye. If you cave and reach out to her it would be a big mistake. So just stay silent. Don't contact her at all. It's OK to reply if she contacts you though.

Because of cultural differences, I couldn't tell my parents that I was going to marry her. They would have never accepted this. She was fine with it.

There was a sponsor couple in our RetroV weekend that had the exact same issue with unapproving parents. They also thought they were fine with it, but stuff like this is poison to a marriage. It slowly eats away at both spouses, it's very unhealthy. It nearly destroyed their marriage. They recovered, but it was a long, hard road.

So I went on a month long vacation to be alone, work on my inner problems and myself. My wife didn't complain and was okay with it.

Just because she didn't complain doesn't mean she was OK with it. We guys, we don't know how to get our wives to talk about how they feel. We just assume that if they don't complain then everything is OK. BUT IT ISN'T!!!!! The reason most of us are here is because we mistook our wives' silence for meaning the marriage was OK when it was in fact rotting away.

That has been the main reason for my current problems. She feels I wasn't motivated and was erratic. Also, she feels that I should have told my parents about the marriage.

Totally reasonable expectations.

"when you went on that vacation, something inside me 'broke'" (but she never said or seemed against it at that time, but now I think her silence was a way to avoid a conflict).

This was probably more about you being completely insensitive to her feelings on the matter. She clearly was not OK with it, but you mistakenly assumed she was. You should have discussed this in depth with her before making such a big decision. I'm not trying to berate you over it, just help you understand what probably went wrong.

She is adamant on divorce. She can't file for divorce until Jan 1st of next year.

Great, you've got a lot of time! Use it effectively. Start by getting a job. Make yourself a stable choice for her. Get your act together. Do 180's on all her complaints. Show her the spouse she wants, not the one she has had (that she clearly doesn't want).

But I feel like she has made up her mind and won't care about anything from here on..when I get a job and whatever else.

She loved you when you got married. She has changed her mind and doesn't want to be married now. BUT... she can change her mind again. What are you doing to make her change her mind again?

But form what I have read, its geared towards couples who live in the same household and is meant to help such couples. Is that correct?

No, keep reading.

[desperateman]

Thank you all for your responses.

@stilllookingup: Yes, she wants kids. I do too. But we both had decided that we won't until we have decent jobs.

@MrBond: Yes. Until the beginning of 2010 I couldn't work because of my visa restriction. Then I got permanent residency and started looking for work in that town. But the only jobs available were either the type that required skills (electrician, plumber, construction etc.) or fast food. I didn't have the skills (I was a Finance student) and my stupid ego wouldn't let me work in a fast food restaurant. I understand that was a BIG mistake. But I can't change the past.

Now, I have a job offer in another country. I want to take it since I have no work here. Yesterday, after a week of no contact, I broke down again and sent her a few emails. In the first email, I mentioned I have a job offer in another country and her reply was that its a bad idea. She thinks I'm being erratic again. She only replied to my first email. I was stupid enough to ask her if she thinks there is any chance of reconciliation at any point in the future (I know I shouldn't have). Also, I was going through the cell phone bill (both phones are under my name) and I noticed in the past three months (Nov, Dec, Jan) she sent close to 2200 texts and received like 1500 texts. I don't know if she is having an affair, but is she is, I wish she would tell me. The texts were another thing I mentioned in the email and asked her if there is another man in her life. She hasn't replied to that as well.

She did inform me yesterday; in her reply to my first email, that she has had me removed from our joint lease on the apartment. Our joint bank account is still active and I noticed this evening she spent $200 on clothes. I don't know if this is mid-life crisis or if just trying hard to read into the situation.

Its been 23 days since she first informed me about her desire to divorce me. I'm still devastated and don't know what to do. Being in different cities doesn't help. She asked me not to come see her or call her and I haven't done that so far. But I'm losing hope by the minute. I don't know how much longer I can survive like this. I miss her and love her so much.

[desperateman]

Just to clarify, those 2200 texts were sent over two months and 2 weeks...so 2200 texts in 10 weeks.