A New Beginning - after 2 years...

[labug]

(((k_g)))

I'm so sorry, and I have nothing much more to say other than, grief does not just go away. It hurts a lot and it comes and goes.

I like Acc's suggestions because I believe that the more we try to keep ourselves controlled the closer to out of control we become.

Just this week received some lovely news and I wanted to share it with H...so I cried, really hard and didn't try and control it, didn't tell myself it was silly, didn't tell myself I wasn't strong.

I had to surrender and accept.

And then it was over.

[l'infidele]

Hey K_G!

I just wanted to check in and see how you where doing!

L'I

[bustingout]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((KG))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I think you are one of the strongest and most honest people I have met.

I know we feel pressure to do everything right all of the time...to be detached and in control of our emotions. To handle our MLC/WAS with calm and patience and compassion and kind eyes. This by no means is always possible. If it were then we would not be human...

I know I get better at it with time, but there are plenty of times when I feel like you have described. And to echo Acc, I think when I try to deny my feelings, it gets worse. I feel it fester. Its only recently that I have tried to apply the 'what you resist, persists' idea, and hence have tried to accept that I feel like absolute poop sometimes. I am a tired single mom, with an H that denies me in all ways, has not rethought his decision once, replaced me in every facet of his life, and even seems to resent having me as the mother of his children. Poop.

At the same time there is a beautiful part of my life that is ALL mine. The learning, the growth. H can't touch it. The everyday joys I get to experience with my kids that he chose to not be a part of. I miss my H KG and I want to save my M too. You know that. And we still love our Hs....is that a sign of STRENGTH? To love in such adversity? Feel proud that you can do that and not have had love beaten out of you but rather grow and flourish into a more giving act.

KG you write and feel what so many of us cannot express. Your honesty has touched my heart and has forced me to be more honest with myself as well.

You are a source of strength and love and kindness and patience.

((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))

[2chiquitos]

I hope we'll see you on Sunday! In all this turmoil, we look for serenity and clarity. Getting out will do you a lot of good.

The bouts of self-pity are so difficult to dig out of. I try to evaluate what got me out of it before and it's usually my perspective on things.

**Remember to do your gratitude list DAILY!
**Remember to give it up to your Higher Power! Do you have a God box? Make one!!
**Remember to pray, mediate, read CAL, CALL SOMEONE (ANY OF US WILL BE A GREAT LISTENER!! YOU HAVE OUR #'s), journal (as you did here), go to a mtg! ASAP!!

Even if you already got yourself out of the rut, practice the program! It will save your sanity for the future chaos!

We all love you very much. I feel so connected to all of you and I believe that I am closer to you guys than friends I've had for YEARS! WHY? because I can share the same frustrations you've had and not be punished or criticized for it.

I'm so glad you shared your frustrations. That's the first step!

[keep_going]

I am so overwhelmed by all the support from everyone. I cannot thank enough all the help I have received – without these boards and the friends I have made here, I don’t think I would have been where I am and learned as much as I have done. Accuray, BMom, 25, NG, Bug, L’infidele, Busting, 2Chiquitos – You guys are amazing. I have come back and re-read your posts all this past week to keep a PMA and it has helped me tremendously. THANK YOU, GUYS.

Journaling…

I have kept myself really busy lately (on purpose) and it has helped me regain my focus and get back to a place of more calm and acceptance. Just this past week I took the kids to a really cool museum exhibit on free museum day, our weekly frozen yogurt date, an afternoon at the park and spent another afternoon at the pool as a result of an unusual heat wave.

The days the kids were with H, I cleaned the house and then went out for dinner with a friend, spent Saturday with my BFF running errands, working out and cooking while we enjoyed some nice wine. On Sunday, I went on a great hike with some fantastic friends and felt truly re-invigorated and motivated to get back on track.

This is how I typically have been GALing the last few months, by focusing on the kids, my friends and family and keeping myself busy.

I have also been dealing with my kids’ issues, specially with D4. As I suspected, it looks like she is clinically depressed – all the signs are there and two professionals seem to agree. I have been reading to understand and find out how I can help her. I am also looking at getting her some counseling through our insurance since we are literally out of cash. (Thanks NG for all the really helpful advice – I feel less overwhelmed already.)

Part of the challenge with all of this is my H’s denial of the issues she is facing. According to him, she is not struggling any more than other kids her age and she behaves really well with him. She doesn’t act out as much with him, she is not rejecting him, like she sometimes does with me and she is not verbalizing with him certain things. For the first time this last week she twice told me that she wants daddy and mommy to be together. As much as it breaks my heart, I realize it is better that she can finally verbalize it clearly, rather than act out and regress to behaviors of a defiant 2-year old, like she has been doing lately.

I do hope that my new approach will make things better soon. It’s very hard to have to do this alone and not have a partner to share my worries with, to brainstorm ideas with and to compare notes with. After all, I am new to all of this. Yet I can’t dwell on it and I just need to make sure to do my very best to help my struggling child overcome her issues with the help I can get from counselors, books and family.

My D5 is seemingly doing better, yet I wonder if it’s just a façade; if she has just adopted the role of the good daughter who doesn’t cause any trouble to stay out of the spotlight. I am observing and hoping things are good, but I also realize both she and S1 are getting less of my time and attention lately because of D4’s struggles.

One of our big losses as a family when H left was the ability for me to spend quality time with each of the girls individually. So I am now using all the available free baby-sitting help I have access to, to make one-on-one time with each of them (I do get plenty of individual time with S1 while the girls are in preschool). They each need to feel extra special and unique and be re-assured that none of this is their fault.

Financially, things are still very hard and completely up in the air. H is still unemployed. He found a 6-week consulting gig that will bring in some cash, yet not enough to help cover everything. We are literally down to a three-month cash reserve for just the basic expenses, so I am not spending any money outside of essential living expenses. I get creative when it comes to activities with the kids, I don’t go out anymore and have put a moratorium on clothing, dentists and entertainment expenses. H and I have now had to put the school tuition on our credit card until end of this school year and might need to add other expenses to it very soon, if H doesn’t find a permanent gig soon. I try not to think about this too much because if I do, I get completely overwhelmed about it. H is also very stressed out about it, but doesn’t really share any of his worries with me.

I have also been busy the last few months applying for schools for D5 for next year. Our kids’ education has been something of great importance to both H and I, as well as both our families. Our first choice was always this one very prestigious (and expensive) private school. We had worked hard to save for it, but now all the money is gone. I still applied to it and have also applied for financial aid and have researched other resources for scholarships / grants or other school loans elsewhere. It’s a long shot since she is just starting elementary school, but I lose nothing by trying.

I also applied to our local Catholic School as a second choice and have spent a lot of time volunteering there this past year to make “brownie points” and make D5’s application more appealing. As a fallback (and most likely option) I have also enrolled her in the local public school, which is one of the best in the city we live.

As for the D process, H is still pushing for it, despite our lack of money. He is finally working on his financial disclosure docs, but I have not even looked at the forms. Not because I want to stall the process, but because I have not had time for it and my original retainer with my L is almost all gone as well. I had asked H to please put the D on hold until he finds a job, but he said no, so I will need to borrow money from someone in order to continue with it. I am not going to worry about that right now, though. I will focus on my disclosures when he is done with his, which could take a couple of days or a long time based on his past behavior.

As far as my family and their support, things have looked up lately. My dad has been reacting well to the chemo for his prostate cancer and he has only a few more months of treatment left. My sister, who lives in Europe, decided to come and spend some time here to both help my parents and me. She is amazing and has been an incredible help and addition to my kids’ life. I am truly grateful to have them close by.

So I will continue operating day by day, focusing on one thing at a time based on what is most important today – me and my kids. As far as my R with H, we seem to have moved past last week’s huge fight and are back to civil-mode for the time being and that is all I can handle right now.

Thanks again to everyone. Coming here and sharing always helps me find my focus and feel supported and cared for. I just realize I need to do it more often.

[labug]

It's so nice to come here and read about the growth of friends. It's not just nice, it's inspiring.

Your H must be very unsettled about the job situation. He has a lot on his plate, of his making of course but still.

About your D4, it's understandable that she wouldn't act out with H because he's the one who left, she wouldn't want to upset him and drive him further away.

When my S20 was first diagnosed, I worried (and still do a bit) that S23 would take on that role. S20 has taken up a lot of space in everyone's life and he has from the day he was born.

But we do the best we can with what we have. I think just being cognizant of the possibility is helpful. S23 and I have talked about it and he says he doesn't feel he took that on.

Keep going, Keep Going!

[Tallula]

Sounds like you are in a much better place!!!

I don't even want to think about schools. Our plan was private, but that seems out of reach now. In order to finance H living elsewhere, we are depleting our savings. I honestly don't know what we will do after the 4 months is up on this current lease. And I truely don't see ME allowing him to move home. One day at a time. Trust we will be taken care of!

I am so sorry to hear about your daughter. This scares the bejesus out of me. My D2 is the one taking this the hardest. She won't ever let me put her down, wants to be held constantly.

You are amazing!!

[Tallula]

Oh, but they do just find over at H's...never sees a problem. So I don't even discuss when they get upset with him. Just another reason I suck in his eyes.

[needgrace]

KG,

i so admire your ability to honestly face everything in your sitch. it takes a lot of courage to admit our faults and to admit that kids are struggling. i think i have said it elsewhere but it bears repeating that you have set an example to me and that example has helped me to face myself more honestly.

i think it is such a good thing that your D4 has been able to verbalize her feelings about wanting you and H together. That opens the door to validating and exploring her feelings (and you are wise to realize that these feelings are under her behavior.) I hope that you can work out something with your insurance while she is open to expressing these feelings and I believe that D5 would benefit as well from having a place to express what is going on with her. A good play therapist will be skilled in finding ways (pretend play, art, etc. if she is not verbalizing) to help her express what she is feeling and thinking. There are some good children's books about how kids feel during D like "It's Not Your Fault, Koko Bear."

A good therapist can also help H understand how the children are feeling and how he can help.

You are doing all the right things, KG, and I so admire your strength right now and your ability to take one thing at a time. ((((((((((((((((KG))))))))))))))))))))

[Accuray]

Yea!