A New Beginning - after 2 years...

[keep_going]

It’s been a while since my last post.

I am starting a new thread because I feel the need to start with new thoughts and a new perspective on my situation. This place has always been a safe haven for me and I have always valued all the support and help I have received from everyone who has ever posted on my threads.

It’s been 2 years and 1 month since H left. I can see now that our M had been in trouble for years – probably even before our D5 was born. I knew it but never really acknowledged to myself, H or anyone else how bad it was. After all, 99% of all the marriages I knew (and still know) have some serious issues and I can count in 1 hand the number of truly happily married couples I know. So I figured we were going thru a bad phase and that we would somehow figure out how to get out of it.

I also never realized how truly unhappy my H was. I now look at pictures from even 5 or 6 years ago and he looks so miserable… and I don’t look too happy either.

What went wrong? After two years of analysis, I can see both our roles in our debacle as we just tried to do too much for too long and just grew apart.
- I felt neglected, unappreciated, devalued and unloved. I accumulated a lot of resentment and expressed my hurt mostly in anger.
- H felt equally neglected, unappreciated, devalued and unloved. He reacted by internalizing a lot of his pain until it became unbearable.

When either of us would bring our issues to the table to try to “fix” things, we simply engaged in a blaming game and became defensive with each other. We had zero conflict resolution skills and fell into this destructive dynamic that still exists between us today. We both would swear to anyone that we each tried our best, yet neither of us really knew how to have a successful R. That eventually destroyed the love H had for me.

The difference between us is that D was never an option for me, yet it was for my H, which I was unaware of until he left. I realize now we never truly talked about how each of us felt about D – ever.

From the moment H left, he said he was DONE and asked for the D just 4 weeks after moving out. His position has never deviated in these two years of separation and he says he feels at peace knowing that he never gave me any hope for R or indication of changing his mind.

When H left I was 9 weeks pregnant with our 3rd child. I can see now how be both initially became very depressed, yet H had already started an EA with OW, which I didn’t know. I tried very hard to change and address all his complaints. I was very successful initially and our R started improving and we grew closer in the Spring of 2011. H even became intimate with me and spent the night twice. I got my hopes way up but I realize in hindsight that he was just curious to see what he felt for me. I can see now that there was truly no intimacy or connection for him in those couple of nights because all his emotional needs were already filled by OW. His EA turned to a PA around that same time and my hopes for R were finally crushed in the Summer when H told me just one week after our S was born that he loved OW and would be pursuing an open R with her.

I felt like he had once again dropped the bomb and since then, I have been struggling to lovingly detach and change while being hurt, confused and angry with both H and OW (although I have never talked to or met her). I have tried unsuccessfully to let go and continue my personal growth, but have not been very successful most of the time.

In Nov. of last year H started exposing OW to our kids on a regular basis (he had done so on and off before then). That was another crushing blow for me. I felt displaced and threatened as a mother and it has been a very slow process to accept OW’s constant presence in my very young kids’ lives. She is very kind and loving to them (and my H and everyone who knows her) and somehow that makes it even harder for me.

It brought out yet again all the insecurities I felt when H first left. I admit that since that happened and until very recently (and also for other practical reasons related to the D), I became extremely rude with H, to the point of practically ignoring him and not talking to him even in front of the kids. At the same time, he has been trying to be cordial with me so we can have a successful co-parenting R and I have been the difficult and angry one these past few months. Yes, that was not good and I am not proud of myself.

The one area where I do feel I have grown and improved in is my R with my children. This situation has made me a better mom, a more present one and even though I have some challenges being a single mom to three young ones, I have had the opportunity to really connect with them and be there for them and try to help them process their feelings and struggles with all that’s happening to our family.

I have also become aware of other things I needed to change in myself and other relationships in my life and I have made some improvements there as well. I also do now go through periods where I am at peace and enjoy my life. I have re-discovered some parts of me I had lost. Yet I still cycle back to the pain and sadness and get really, really down and hopeless at times and the coaster begins again.

I used to get very frustrated with myself, but I have accepted that I will heal at my own pace and I am trying not to beat myself up (as I usually do) for my setbacks, backslides or lack of progress.

I feel that my anger towards H is finally subsiding and that I am finally reaching acceptance of what is. I am trying to act civil with him, just as he is with me, yet neither of us is really interested in any kind of R at this point. We are both still very hurt and distrustful of each other.

I have now accepted that my M is over. It actually has been over for 2 years. There has been no friendship, no closeness, no sharing, no communication, no affection, no connection practically since H left. I am not sure at this point what I feel for him. Part of me still misses the man I fell in love with 20 years ago, but neither of us is the same person anymore. I know I don’t love who he is today and he stopped loving the angry woman I became many years ago. I know he has no romantic feelings for me “underneath” that could emerge even if I became the perfect wife for him. He is done, he was done from day 1 and he is not coming back.

H’s R with OW is stronger than ever. They are truly in love, are happy together and since both are just ending a bad marriage, they are making a conscious effort to learn from their past mistakes and make their R work, despite the many obstacles they have and will continue to face. They have been openly dating for at least a year now and both their families have now accepted their R.

She still lives about 300 miles away, but they see each other almost every week – sometimes with and sometimes without kids. As far as I know, neither has plans to move any time soon since neither I nor OW’s ex will relocate to accommodate for their R.

H finally filed for D on 9/6/11 and then lost his job just a week later. He is still out of work and our financial situation has reached a critical point, but that is a topic for another post. The D process is just about to start with our lawyers and it looks like it will be an ugly one – not by my choice.

Sorry for the long post - I feel like I wanted a new thread, a fresh beginning, hoping this new and more calm phase I am entering now is one of true detachment and acceptance of my new life and a new opportunity to become a better me.

[labug]

You are getting there.

About this: I will heal at my own pace and I am trying not to beat myself up (as I usually do) for my setbacks, backslides or lack of progress.

We always want to beat ourselves up for these bumps in the road, give them a negative connotation. I think it's just a part of the process, sometimes we have to practice and practice before we truly master something. Playing a piano piece, riding a bike, cooking.

Being accepting of my "mistake" has been a key for me in this journey. I was so afraid of making mistakes that I didn't want to try anything new, didn't grow, didn't change much. Just became unhappier.

I'm so happy you are where you are right now.

[bustingout]

KG your words are so full of emotion--- pain, hope, love and sorrow. But so much strength. When you write sometimes I just want to say 'yes' that is me. That is my H. That is my sitch - particularly in the sense of 'he was done at day 1' never looked back. Never questioned his decision. It's like I was replaced and all the effort for a good R is being put to OW.

Sometimes I think maybe it really just is as simple as we are expected to take it. We are expected to just do what the WAS wants without emotion or hardship. Like you though- this is taking my own time and I am going to also stop beating myself up for what I feel.

You are such an inspiration to me KG. I really feel a connection with you and your children. What lucky children they are to have you as their mom.

Xxx

[keep_going]

Thank you, busting and bug!

I love you guys, you know that.

I think both of you touched on what I believe has been the hardest part for me and really the source of MOST of my issues - self-forgiveness.

I think I have mentioned it before, but growing up I never saw forgiveness at any level. I was also taught to be strong, not vulnerable, be perfect and have perfectly acceptable behaviors, be a good daughter and never received validation or praise. On the other hand, I never heard the words "It's ok if you mess up. You are only human."

I know I certainly didn't practice self-forgiveness in my R with my H. I feel that is the #1 thing I need to work on. I believe a lot of my anger comes from self-doubt and beating myself up. I just projected it to my H...

Until I learn to forgive myself for everything - what I did wrong in the M, what I have done wrong since and learn to accept my own humanity, I won't be in a healthy place.

I am also trying to model it for my kids and I make an effort every day to let them just be themselves, make mistakes and when they do, tell them - "it's ok to make a mistake."

Hugs to you, ladies!!!

[labug]

kg, have you read my post on Val's thread in Surviving the Big D?

We are channeling each other.

[Valeska19]

Oh yeah KG - I second LaBug. There is a great conversation going on about forgiveness right now on my thread

You should check it out.

Keep on keeping on Girl!

[Accuray]

KG,

I think one thing that has made your path more challenging than H's is being primarily a single parent to 3 very young children. Those ages are usually the hardest time for any marriage and you are doing it mainly alone.

I say this because its a certainty that the kids will grow up and you will regain more bandwidth to focus on you and that will help immensely. You've had to face this as a stay at home mom on a very limited budget which gives you very limited opportunities to GAL and vent with adults, no wonder its been hard!

Don't beat yourself up at all, you are a superhero by any measure.

Accuray

[keep_going]

Acc - thanks for stopping by. You have such clarity to analyze situations and have a very keen insight about human behavior. I appreciate your words very much.

Yes, it's not easy being a single mom. That has been another humbling lesson for me with all of this. As a working professional, I admit I undervalued the work that stay at home moms performed. I now have a completely new appreciation for it and can see this new perspective as another gift uncovered with this whole D fiasco.

Acc - I have been giving a lot of thought to what you said to me about lacking some meaningful connections with other adults and I think you are 100% correct. I need to make the time to incorporate that into my life.

Yes, my current situation has many limitations, so up until now I have looked for ways to connect and GAL within my current reality. I cannot spend much money, so I am looking for cheap and free ways to GAL.

I am volunteering my parish by doing data entry work from home at night. Not very social, but helps me do something for others and focus on something other than my own sitch.

I belong to a group of Mom's with young children. It's free and we meet for fun activities not dealing with kids. Tomorrow night we are all going out for drinks, which should be fun.

I make it a goal to go see at least one friend and spend time with my parents at least once a week and I have done pretty well so far. With friends I am trying to incorporate activities like hiking, going to an exhibit or visit a new place around the city rather than just go for a meal or a coffee or a drink.

I got a free 10-day pass to my former gym and I am going to use those sessions to attend yoga classes and go swimming.



Finally, I plan at least one new GAL activity with the kids each week. Last week I took them to our County's Museum of Art on a free museum day and we had a blast.

This afternoon we have a play date at the local park and tomorrow we are planning a singing and dancing show for the grandparents, so we have to build our stage and practice our song.

Next on the list is tennis. I love playing tennis and it's something I gave up when I met H because he doesn't like playing, so now it's time to get back to it.

Anyways, I know it's not much, but that is pretty much all the bandwidth I currently have.

I have been busy the last few weeks filling out applications and financial aid forms for D5's Kindergarten for this coming Fall. By then my financial sitch will be stable (one way or another) and I am moving forward with the assumption that things will be ok. I think I have only one more form left to deal with.

I am also starting to deal with D stuff and I am trying to really sort out my financial sitch which is complicated and my H has not made it any easier on me by limiting my access to certain info since he left. I need to meet with a financial advisor before I meet with my L.

We also jointly own an income property with my parents and I need to meet with a Real Estate Lawyer to figure out a way to dissolve that partnership and see if we can buy H out now or in the future...

Yes - life is complicated, but I know things will sort themselves out.

Thanks again, Accuray.

[labug]

kg, read this tonight and thought of you,

“Mistakes are the growing pains of wisdom.
Without them there would be no individual
growth, no progress, no conquest.”
- William Jordan -

And then the author who quoted this said we shouldn't call them mistakes but feedback.

[BklynMom]

Kg so glad I found your update.

All I can say is amen, sister. It is freakin hard being a single mom and I only have 2.

I know how hard it is to forgive yourself. I struggle with that as well. Pema cholden says self forgiveness could cure most of the our woes. There is even a buddist word for forgiving yourself.

Another Flaw of mine is perfectionism. Funny I heard people talk about perfectism for months in alanon but I thought it had nothing to do with me because my life was clearly not perfect. I thought if I was perfectionist I would have a nice apt and not a dump like i live in. But now I see it totally differently and realize I spent my life chasing a unachievable ideal.

You said so many insightful things about you and your marriage. You should try a 12 step program because once you identify what you need to make amends for you make your amends and then you are done. You don't need to live in those mistakes - you atone and move on.

I also relate to how much a chasm you feel now between the two of you. I fantasize about my h coming home and us being a family but I know he needs to do work on himself if that is ever gonna happen.

My h and it seems like your as well has had an easy target to blame everything on and to ignore his own part in this.

Your h was part of the insanity. He was unhappy yet he continued to have kids and rather then suggest mc found another woman. That is not rational nor respecableable. Behavior

You are so clearly on the right track and we are all here cheering you on.