You are seriously the most patient of spouses....gives me hope, just in the fact that sometimes I feel wtf? and it's only six months. Thanks
I agree with Big, maybe you guys can come up with rules that get consistently enforced at both places, so when and if she comes back for a few days a week, that part of it will already be smoothed out
Hell, anymore it feels like I could do six months standing on my head! I just did the math (Excel) and it has been 555 days. 18 months since the bomb date. Yeah - when I read the book and they stressed patience they were not kidding!
While my parents were moving stuff into their new place yesterday she came by and just hung out. Sat by the pool, had some sangria, read a book - while our S napped and I worked on something else. She said "I forgot how relaxing the pool was". I seemed surreal - but maybe good first steps.
So I guess I need help/clarity/direction here - once again I am in new ground in my situation. Not sure if I should be posting this here or in "piecing" - mostly because I am not 100% if I am piecing or not.
So XW is off this week for spring break. We have spent some quality time together (both here at the house and away) with our S. Today we took him to The Children's Museum and walked around downtown a little bit.
Later in the day she texted asking if it feels like we are forcing something. My response was no - that I honestly think we are trying to get used to being together again....I mean hell, it's almost been 2 years. She said my persona when we are together is different than when I write or e-mail.
I said very honestly that I am not sure if it was "ok" with her yet to show signs of affection. I certainly want to, but I guess I am/was waiting for the clear sign that it was ok. I asked her point blank (nicely, though) if holding her hand was alright with her...I told her that I wanted to but didn't want to push boundaries, make her feel uncomfortable or be rebuffed by her.
Her response was that just asking that question is making her wonder if we are forcing something....that things like that should come naturally. Whereas I DO agree that those things do come naturally, I feel as though in our circumstances that it is not altogether out-of-the-ordinary to feel that awkwardness when "starting over".....I attempted to tell her as much.
How do I do this?
Do I just dive in and go? Do I play calm and slow? She said it felt like we were just being "friends".....and that was OK for co-parenting. I so badly want to tell her that I am coming off of 18 months of living with the knowledge that she DIDN'T want me near her....DIDN'T want any kind of affection from me...that she wanted to be away from me and on her own. Some of that sunk in and changed my behavior. How could it not? I mean....it got kind of ugly during the D process. I am not playing the "whoa-is-me" card - at all, just saying that I have some marks left on me....along with some fears. How can I tell her that I need her support in getting beyond them without sounding like a victim or making her feel guilty? Part of me wants to say that I just need a little affection first....but I know that it doesn't work that way.
In a sense (and I know this is wrong) I want to say that you took the MAJOR steps to walk away....take a few minor ones to walk back. And, honestly, perhaps that is what she has been doing in her own way....I guess I just want a hug and even a peck on the cheek....unsolicited.
She said that she fears that we will go back to a spot where there is no passion or affection in our relationship...so I totally get where she is coming from. But at the same time I am afraid to show it because I partially fear that she doesn't want it from me and I just don't want to get smacked down.
I don't think you can have a fast zero to 60 time in our circumstance. How could it be possible after the things that transpired? I told her that I DO want to hold her hand...I DO want affection. I think she understands.
Am I getting in my own way? Am I being an unreasonable coward for not plunging right in? I want to!
I'm afraid I'm not the one to give advice here. I'm following your thread as a fellow divorcee who is still holding out hope that my XW will change her mind.
That said, in talking things over with my DB coach, I had imagined that this process is one of courtship all over again. In other words, would it help if you imagined her as a new woman whose affection and respect you are trying to win? What would you do then if you considered holding her hand? If you approach it this way maybe it'll make more sense to decide when it's okay to risk affection, and when it might not be a good idea.
H: 38 xW: 38 M: 16 T: 18 S: 9 BD: 2/2012 W moved out 4/2012 D: 11/2012
Okay, let's start small: A touch, that lingers a bit on her back or arm to show her some affection, gauge reaction, but don't make a big deal. See how that goes.
As to the "forcing" of it, H and I are not together, and he is with someone else. But we both recognize the changes in each other and actually talk of what if, in terms of dating in the future, sometimes. That requires almost a first date regardless of how long you have known each other. Perhaps you could explain to W like that. It is like you are two people and although you have this incredible history, you have to get to know one another again and she is someone that you would like to ask out...
Azguy said courtship all over again, and he is right. You are not the same person you were 555 days ago lol, so the relationship and the dynamics within the relationship have changed as well. Hence the need to start from square one, as it were...
Crimson, I haven't updated my sitch in a long time, but you and I are in similar positions. My D is final, and my XW and I have been acting as friends and co-parents. We have spent time alone together, and it is great. She is hugging me now, and I even kissed her on the cheeck. I worry that I will return to selfish ways when things don't go as quickly as I would like them too. I have the same questions as you in regards to hand-holding, etc. It is something that should come naturally, and even if she pulls back the first time, give her time, and she will come around.
BD: 8/20/2012 W Files: 8/23/2012 S: 8/25/2012 (I moved out) D Final: 3/5/2013
Crimson, I really love your thread. I'm going to go back & read up on the circumstances surrounding your D. One of the helpful things for you us that your ex is not dating someone & she is struggling a bit financially. These factors can really help. Many if the reconciliations I've read a out also gAve this element.
Unfortunately for me, my ex received over 1/2 million $ in divorce, so she doesn't have to work. And, her BF of 8 months is crazy about her & for me to have any chance, that R will have to run its course.
Keep up the great work. Your story us an inspiration to me.
Me: 48 EW: 40 D8, D12 Married 13 wonderful years D in Apr-12
Crimson, I meant to PM you but I'm still on moderation. Tell me, did you every go through an extended period of NC / detachment from your ex? I went through some of your previous posts and I didn't see where you did. I suppose it would have been LC because if your S. If you did, when did you do it (before or after D)? And, how would you rate the impact of the LC on how she felt about you & the R?
I have not been good at going LC. My ex loves to keep our R friendly despite her being in a 8 mo R with her BF.
Me: 48 EW: 40 D8, D12 Married 13 wonderful years D in Apr-12
I have not posted on your thread in a long time, however, I have kept up on all that you've written. I felt I was repeating the same things and it was not beneficial. But I feel some urgency to say something now. You can take it or leave, but know that I care.
I am very concerned that your W is moving back to the house for the wrong reasons. For obvious reasons, living in the home you provide will be better than her cramped apartment. She must have missed all the positives provided while living with you!
Both of you have undying love for your child. Most parents do. Your W does not cope well being a single parent. Your son is getting older and causing her stress, which causes her to rely upon you for assistance. You are aware of all of this.
Where would you & W be today if there was no child in the middle? B/c your emails, text messages, and calls usually are centered around the child. Whenever the two of you are together it is for the sake of your S. At least, he is usually there between you, right?
A R has to be about more than the kids, and you are more than willing for that to happen. You've been ready ever since the D! My concern is about her.
Crimson, if she moves back into your home without a clear & distinct understanding that it is to restore a sexual relationship, she will remain in the "friends only" zone!
When she says things like " it seems like we are forcing something" ....... It is the same old excuses. And if she moves back with the same old mindset, you will continue to stew in the same old frustrations.
You are not the same man, but she seems to be the same, nievee woman who thinks she should swoon with the "in love" emotions. That would be nice, but unfortunately, it doesn't happen like your W dreams about. She doesn't want to do the work yet. She wants to be knocked off her feet, but not enough to actually contribute to letting that happen.
Whenever a woman moves in with a man for any other reason other than intimacy, then she's wanting the comforts of his home without being in his bed.
I hope and pray that this issue will be thoroughly discussed before the move, and if she shows any sign of doubts.....I think you should consider it a red flag.
Has she committed to any MC or some type of program? I thought I remembered you presenting the idea of going to Retro'ville.
Does it still make her uncomfortable at the thought of being alone with just the two of you? Would she still freak out if you suggested going out together on a date? I believe you should ask her out.......and do it face to face......and see her reaction. If she wants to find an excuse for not calling it a date......or she insists on taking the child, then you will have your answer.
She has used her son as her shield, excuses, and bribes as if he were a tool. She may not be aware that she does it, but she certainly has from where I've seen. If you are willing to be satisfied with her doing that from now on, then I suppose that's your decision to make about your life. But don't expect her to change once she moves back home, when this has worked so well for her.
Staying together for the sake of a child can be quite a sacrifice. Living without physical and emotional love is a very slow death. Your son will be grown and leaving home.....then what will be left between you & W? If you believe that it will be the R you've longed for, then go for it. But for any other reason, even the love of your child.....I don't think I could honestly tell anyone to ger remarried. And you know....as much as children want their parents together, they really want more than that. They want the parents to be in love. Imagine!
Well, I know you love her with all your heart. I just hope she doesn't break your heart all over again. You will decide if you can take the risk, and how it will affect your son the second time around.
I still pray for you and hope you all the happiness you deserve.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
