If you want to read my whole story follow this link.
Not married, just my gf so all of this is tough since there isn't a threat of D. Basically, I suspected and accused of EA/PA back in Sept 2012. It was denied non-stop but things ate away at me and I could just feel something was wrong. Only recently found out all the way back in July 2012 she was sexting with ppl but didn't consider it cheating b/c she never actually had sex with anybody.
12/25/12 she admits to me that she had started "talking" to a guy I had suspected for a long while. I was acting very needy at the time and asked her to really think things through. After new year she tells me she's thought it through and her heart must have never been in our R b/c of the sexting, which had happened to her (she was cheated on by ex-H and possibly some others), and would've never done that to me if she really care. She also said I never really cared b/c of the way I treated her. I did make many mistakes and didn't make her feel wanted and welcomed in the house when her and kids moved in.
So now she is living with OM and I've been told through the grapevine they are dating. She goes back and forth praising how he treats her like a queen and then how he is "wishy washy" and says that he wants to be with her and then says he wants to be with his kids mother.
I haven't seen her in 2 weeks, she stops by my house when I'm at work to purposely avoid me. Majority of her stuff is still here b/c she is staying with OM who, he and his kids, live with his parents. So OM, his 2 kids, his parents, my ex-gf, and her 3 kids in this little house. I say ex-gf b/c back in Oct 2012 I blew up and threw her out to try and get a point across that things needed to change, she hasn't let me forget that I broke up with her technically and she never agreed to being my gf again.
She noticed and commented to a friend of mine (while complaining about OM) about how I had cleaned up the house. So now 2 weeks, she hasn't seen me but has tried calling me asking where stuff is in the house. She always tries calling me at work for something simple that could be texted. I've been declining the calls at work to set up a boundary but I wonder if she is trying to reach out to me b/c she wants to come back.
I've been doing a good job of backing off and going dark. Mentally, I haven't really detached, I think about her all the time. I'm trying "fake it til you make it". I just don't know how long I hold out on this "backing off" stance and the avoidance issues. Today I so want to text her, "I want you and the kids to come home. I want this to be OUR home. I want to talk about how to make it OUR home. I want to do whatever it takes to make you and me work, get through this together, and be a family."
Seriously, dude - you took in a woman with three kids, offered to raise them, and she spends her time sexting and cheating on you - when she already KNOWS how that hurts, having been a victim of infidelity herself?
WHY, on EARTH, would you want to take her back?
Look - people who are married, have kids togehter - I"m all for doing everything possible to salvage the relationship. But you are NOT married, these are not YOUR kids (although I'm sure you have feelings for them) - and she's ALREADY SHOWING YOU that she has poor moral character. Why on earth would you want to get further involved? This is not a person you can count on to be your support if you lose your job or get cancer or some other catastrophe of life befalls you.
Now - we all have things we need to work on in ourselves, and sounds like she has identified some things in you that you agree need fixing - go ahead and work on those. But also work on why you feel you deserve so little, that you would want back a woman who treated you so badly? And a woman that is such a bad mom that she would move in with her OM and his parents with her kids? (Seriously bad mothering there.)
You might have a problem with White Knight Syndrome - some guys are addicted to "rescuing" women. The problem with that is, once you rescue them - you're stuck with a woman who can't manage her life.
Or maybe you just don't feel very successful in love, and felt like she was the best you could do?
Whatever it is, THAT is what you need to work on here, my friend. Why you feel these crumbs are enough for you. You need to feel that you DESERVE a loving faithful competent partner who feels that same way about you that you do about her.
kml, thanks, I do appreciate responses. I've been hearing this same kind of thing from other people. Honestly, I just love the woman and the kids, I can't help it.
It's not about saving her, I have expectations if she comes back. I see it as deserving those expectations and respect.
On xmas I gave her a promise ring and then she asked me why and we talked and that's when it came out about OM. I had then texted her and made it clear that part of what she needed to think about was that if she chose to take the ring and be with me then it would be exclusive, that she would cut it off with OM, and we both have to work on things together to correct both of our shortcomings.
She thought about that stuff and then when she told me she wasn't taking the ring, was moving out, and obviously hadn't really cared. I begged and pleaded but it just angered her; just as DB says it will.
So now I keep trying to remind myself "don't believe anything they say and less than 50% of what they do" and there's been a slight improvement in the past 2 weeks. She isn't all that happy with OM, maybe seeing the grass isn't always greener on the other side. She hasn't been saying bad things about me or bringing up how she's getting out and moved.
To work on the things I need to correct...she needs to be here to experience it. So I know we don't have kids together, aren't married, and I have been flirting and whatnot with OW just to try and detach and see if my feelings change. They haven't changed, no matter what I want her back, but like DB says, "divorce your old marriage" so that you can start a new marriage with your SO.....yes, no marriage here but I want to end the old R and start the proper R with her. Me respecting her and her respecting me.
I KNOW I can't force change upon her. I KNOW I have to watch myself with this path and have her live up to those expectations I have. What I'm trying to figure out now is how long do I wait in this limbo? I fear that the longer she lives with OM the more she'll just forget me. How do I get her and the kids back to the house so that she can experience the new me?
Because she felt unwelcome in the home, at times felt like I was purposely doing things to push her away, doing things to get her to move out, that she felt that I didn't want her around, do I ever reach out to her and let her know I still WANT this?
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
Women "want" abusive husbands, that doesn't make it a wise choice.
Usually when we "want" something that is clearly bad for us, there's a reason. Often rooted in childhood or family-of-origin issues.
So - what do you think there is in YOUR history, that makes you "want" someone capable of lying to you for months, cheating on you, yanking her children from one man's home to another without thought for their well-being (couldn't she have gotten her own place, or returned home to family, rather than put her kids through getting attached to another man prematurely?)
This is a REALLY important question for you to answer - far more important than any strategizing on what might or might not bring her home.
Sure, she might come back if she realizes the grass isn't greener with OM and his parents. But trust me, you don't WANT her back if it's just because she needs a place to live and you are the lesser of two evils.
Sooooo....think hard......why do you suppose it is, that you would be willing to take a dishonest person back into your life?
I've seen the good...and she's seen the good in me. We've seen the bad in each other and hurt each other.
You can't control who you love. I want to give it one more chance. When I explained my expectations of taking the promise ring I stated that if she hurt me again it would be over, and, if I hurt her again she had every right to end it as well.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
LISTEN TO THIS ADVICE, zoom. This is NOT a woman of quality, and you'd be wise to let her go.
Do some reading about co-dependency ("Co-Dependent More" is excellent), and about how to set and enforce healthy boundaries (Townsend's book is excellent). This is more about YOU than it is about your girlfriend.
Why - so you could get advice that is not appropriate to your situation?
Look hon - take it from an older and wiser woman. I learned this lesson the hard way.
When my husband cheated on me early in our marriage, I took him back. I wanted him so badly that I wanted to believe it was just newlywed jitters on his part. I accepted his pleas of apology, I let him move back in, I didn't make him go to counseling. I thought everything would be fine.
Then I went on to make three beautiful children with him. Only to discover evidence of his new affair when they were preteens and young teens. I took the risk on staying with him, but my CHILDREN paid the price.
In retrospect, I should have called off the marriage at the very beginning. It was my own stubbornness and need that allowed me to ignore the HUGE RED FLAGS that were waving in my face.
You have a chance right now - before she gets pregnant with your child, before her kids get any more attached to you - to get out of a very bad situation with a woman with low morals and little common sense or empathy.
Take it.
Or at the very least - give yourself six months of no contact. If this is something so great that it's meant to be - she'll still be there in six months.
But you have a lot of work to do on yourself to find out why you would think such a situation is acceptable (and, frankly, why you let a woman with three kids move in with you so soon in a relationship - isn't her youngest just a year old? How long had you been dating before she moved in?)
