when I say "the lack of affirming words puzzles me...it always improves m's"...
I mean to say that giving affirmations always improves marriage. The lack of it surprises me.
I think it's either a deliberate withholding of affection or compliments, b/c of scorekeeping or b/c it's seen as some sort of weak move. So it may be a power play.
The way you speak of the r's in your family and the way you measure things I do see a lot of power plays and maneuvering and I just wonder where you got that outlook.
Not everything is about power SP. Marriages ought not to be about power, for sure.
Again, you hit the nail on the head. I am a serious scorekeeper. Power has a lot to do with it too, undoubtedly. I really thought I was getting a handle on myself, but clearly I need CONSIDERABLY more work. Thanks again for your very sound words of insight.
I would love to have some input on how I should handle this meeting on Wednesday, or any things I should bring up. I realize, no pursuing, no R talk, not talk of the M, no talk about the future and no pressure....not sure what that leaves on the table to discuss.
I am sure you may not notice, but in front of other people you really distance yourself and act like you can't stand me.
Is this true? That's ending a bad message to your W. I suspect there may be some truth in it because I sense the same kind of approach in your posts here.
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Then you tell everyone you invited me and I choose not to go.
Don't do that!!! If she doesn't go then just shrug your shoulders and go. This isn't about scorekeeping! It's OK to talk about it here, but not to friends & family! That just comes off as bitter!
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I would like to speak with you about this. I have a lot of the same feelings as you do....i really would like to get passed this portion of our lives. The confusion and stress is breaking me down as well....it shouldn't be happening to us. The lack of trust, the alienation, the miss-understandings.....its all too much.
No, no, no!!!! This isn't about what YOU are feeling, it's about what SHE is feeling!!! Shut up and listen! Validate her emotions!!! Let HER do the talking!
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It sounds like you don't either.
NOOOOO! Don't tell her what she's feeling!! Let her tell you!
Sorry for the 2x4, but this is all wrong! You've got a real opportunity here to listen and validate, don't waste it by telling her what your feelings are or by pretending you already know what hers are, or that you're feeling the exact same thing. All of those things minimize her feelings and push her away. She needs to do 80% of the talking, you just speak enough to let her know you're listening and to encourage her to continue to open up.
I am sure you may not notice, but in front of other people you really distance yourself and act like you can't stand me.
Is this true? That's ending a bad message to your W. I suspect there may be some truth in it because I sense the same kind of approach in your posts here. The distancing part is true. I definitely gave her plenty of space the other day when our paths crossed. I don't act like I can't stand her by any means, just pulled back a little. Obviously this is how she feels, so I need to change the way I engage her. To be honest, we have been in contact with other people, maybe 2 or 3 times since BD. She is projecting a little on this.
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Then you tell everyone you invited me and I choose not to go.
Don't do that!!! If she doesn't go then just shrug your shoulders and go. This isn't about scorekeeping! It's OK to talk about it here, but not to friends & family! That just comes off as bitter!
She called me questioning why I was planning a get together and who would be there, as if my life is not allowed to continue without her permission. She was fairly accusitory in her voice. I nicely told her who, what and when about my plans. I also said, "you are welcome to join us". She declined. During the get together our mutual friends had spoke with her prior to arriving. More than likely that is how she found out about the get together. They questioned me about her, and I simply said "I invited her and she opted not to come". Again, she is projecting a little of her own feelings and probably mind reading. I don't know how else I could have handled that situation
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I would like to speak with you about this. I have a lot of the same feelings as you do....i really would like to get passed this portion of our lives. The confusion and stress is breaking me down as well....it shouldn't be happening to us. The lack of trust, the alienation, the miss-understandings.....its all too much.
No, no, no!!!! This isn't about what YOU are feeling, it's about what SHE is feeling!!! Shut up and listen! Validate her emotions!!! Let HER do the talking!
You are absolutely right. I need to back myself out of the focus....I need to remember, LISTEN, LISTEN and VALIDATE, VALIDATE.
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It sounds like you don't either.
NOOOOO! Don't tell her what she's feeling!! Let her tell you!
Again, you are absolutely RIGHT.....darnit. I didn't even realize what I was doing. I need a lot of work on my listening skills and validation.
Sorry for the 2x4, but this is all wrong! You've got a real opportunity here to listen and validate, don't waste it by telling her what your feelings are or by pretending you already know what hers are, or that you're feeling the exact same thing. All of those things minimize her feelings and push her away. She needs to do 80% of the talking, you just speak enough to let her know you're listening and to encourage her to continue to open up.
Thanks, I am going to take that 2x4 with pride. I need it, and I will really concentrate on taking this opertunity to let her express herself. I will listen. I will validate. I will stay upbeat and supportive. Thanks
Your reply was a real stinker. All about YOU and YOUR feelings after she just sent you a heartfelt message.
God only knows what text you sent that she was responding to...
Stop the anger. Drop the gun. Lose the scorecard.
And since you were NOT a great h or a pursuer IN the marriage, maybe you ought to re-think your "go dark" approach. It comes out as cold distant lack of caring, at best.
I don't mean for you to pressure her to return, b/c that's more of you wanting to get your way (power plays too). I mean for you to express regrets on your end AND positives for her.
NO "negative" feedback to her. No excuses for your past behavior.
Even if you think "but it's accurate!" B/C it does not matter now.
She just reached out. Don't blow this opportunity. LISTEN and STHU excpet when it's clear she wants feedback from you. Again, lose the scorecard. It does not help you.
Own YOUR stuff and model that behavior for her. Do NOT insist on tit for tat or say "well now what do YOU apologize for??" None of that. Lose the anger...OMG please...it only confirms her negative images of you when you are trying to undermine those negatives.
Meaning, you need to Contrast the negative images she has of you, w/positives.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I know I need to lose the scorecard. That has been an issue with both of us for a long time.
I also have felt that I needed to be more loving, more supportive and learn to validate her more. HOWEVER, that seems to go against every rule of DBing. I have struggled with that since day one. I just don't know how to engage her with those things without coming off as pressuring. I want to. I know that is what she wants, even though probably not from me right anymore, that is what she wants ultimately.
So, let me ask you this question, because I know it will come up. She will want to know why I have been acting distant and not being friendly towards her. How should I repsond to that?
I got this email just now from my W. I Would like some input on it, as I feel it probably pertains to what everyone is saying right now about my sitch and how I am handling myself....
Thank you for the invite. I appreciate the attempt. I haven't been sleeping well and I am not feeling great. I am sure it's just stress pilling up and I will be fine. Your invite does leave me a little confused. I am sure you may not notice, but in front of other people you really distance yourself and act like you can't stand me. You say you want to be friends and then you send me this horrible text. You throw these get togethers, invite my family and friends and then the only reason I get an invite is because I put you on the spot and ask you if (Daughter) is welcome up there if she sees her friends. Then you tell everyone you invited me and I choose not to go. ( You know I wont take a last minute invite like that from anyone). I just am really confused by you and your actions. I would like to be friends but I don't want to be hurt by anyone else.I am extremely guarded right now. I second guess and question everything & everyone. I don't know how to be friends with you when I don't feel the friendship is sincere
Question for anyone that is good at validating and listening, what would be a good response to this?^^^^^ I think there could be a lessoned learned for all of us that are listening challenged, and would like to change that.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
I would try to keep it short and to the point. If you want to have a positive outcome with this opportunity with your WAS, I doubt making a reply about you and your feelings is going to achieve that goal.
My response would be:
Thank you for the honest, heartfelt note. After re-reading this several times, I do see your point regarding my actions lately. Can we get together to discuss these concerns and maybe clear them up?
If he/she's receptive, then when you do meet, LISTEN and respond accordingly - this is about their concerns.
Unless I'm completely wrong in what I've been reading, DBing is about what you can change about YOU to be a better person. The changes in those around you is really their reactions to what you change about yourself.
