DB'ing my way into a new life-by Tori

[littleGTO]

HI, Tori,

I think you are just ready to move on w the rest of your life. Your impending D is just lingering and causing you to focus on your H and your life w him. THis is good b/c when D is over you will be able to put this behind you (as you will have already gone through these emotions) and move on.

I don't mean that you will never think about him or have these feeling again after D, just that you can move past this.

I KNOW you will have a great R in your future! Don't worry about being alone...you will only be alone if you choose to be alone. (((())))

[ForeverYoung]

I've been so angry at my H's attitude about the D that I wonder if that's why I got so sick. I hadn't been sick in many years.

All the worry and anger absolutely can make you sick. A few months back I seen my doctor for several different aches and pains... He found no cause for them. This is why taking good care of ourselves is so important. Eat, sleep and exercise well.

I also felt fear today. I'm still on the rollercoaster. I tried to imagine myself being married to someone else, and it didn't seem possible. The fear of being alone for the rest of my life returned. I pictured everything I'd have to go through: meet someone I'm attracted to and who shares the same values, get to really know them, fall in love, and have feelings strong enough to remarry. After the fallout with my H, I'm reluctant to even consider anyone w divorced parents or people who're goofy and "laidback," and also wonder if they'll tell me their true stories. I don't see my H telling any woman he cheated on his wife and the way he behaved toward me. He'll give her a reason that makes him look good. So it's scary. I guess I'm afraid of being lied to or betrayed again.

I know, I have all the same thoughts. That's why like you, I want to make sure I turn every stone before I give up. I don't fear being alone, as a matter of fact I think I'd rather be on my own than starting over with someone new. But I also think my feelings on this are likely to change after a long enough time.

Finally, I realized that my H made me feel bad about myself for a long, long time. And I took a lot from him bc I wanted to be a good listener and be kind. But the things he said to me were completely inappropriate. So I feel I disrespected myself by just listening and not telling me what I really thought.

He did the disrespecting, you took the high road and tried to work things out. Never forget or feel bad for that.

Oh, and I have lots of regrets, including getting married in the first place.

The good times and feelings with H were real, and no one can ever take those memories away from you.

Think back to how happy you were on your wedding day. If, on that day, someone with a crystal ball told you your marriage will be over in XX years, I highly doubt they could have convinced you to not marry H anyways. This is how I look at my marriage. No matter what happens in the future, I will not regret the past.

On the plus side, I am planning another trip to CA in the summer. I'll use the cash I'll get from our assets and enjoy.

Great! The last CA trip seemed to have really cleared your head. Hugs.

[littleGTO]

HI, Tori,

I think you are just ready to move on w the rest of your life. Your impending D is just lingering and causing you to focus on your H and your life w him. THis is good b/c when D is over you will be able to put this behind you (as you will have already gone through these emotions) and move on.

I don't mean that you will never think about him or have these feeling again after D, just that you can move past this.

I KNOW you will have a great R in your future! Don't worry about being alone...you will only be alone if you choose to be alone. (((())))

[littleGTO]

HI, Tori,

I think you are just ready to move on w the rest of your life. Your impending D is just lingering and causing you to focus on your H and your life w him. THis is good b/c when D is over you will be able to put this behind you (as you will have already gone through these emotions) and move on.

I don't mean that you will never think about him or have these feeling again after D, just that you can move past this.

I KNOW you will have a great R in your future! Don't worry about being alone...you will only be alone if you choose to be alone. (((())))

[afa75]

As everyone has already stated, you are Amazing!
You will be ready for a new R when you are ready. When you choose for that time to come, you will accept someone no less than amazing for you.

Your emotions and thoughts are valid and normal. Many of them will decrease once the D is finalized. Sad, but true.

Having something to look forward to (e.g. California) will hopefully help as well.


A big hug for You!
(((((((((((( ))))))))))))))

[Tumbling]

O Tori
I had all those thoughts you are having and I echo what others have said - you are Amazing BTB and you deserve someone just as Amazing. We all do.

Your current thinking is totally normal.
Like you I wanted to save my marriage because that's what I believed in. I didn't get married to get divorced - no one does.
During the two years I spent trying to save my marriage, I didn't want anyone else but H. I certainly didn't think I would meet anyone for a long time and that I would end up alone but when I accepted my M was over, I also figured it was better to be happy on my own than continue to be miserable around H.

So, I am going to remind you of Eckhart Tolle's message in the Power of Now.
Our fears are all about the future and we do not know what that is.
We can not deal with the future until we are there and when we are there we will deal with it.
Look how you have dealt with things that have come your way these past 6 months.
"You can ALWAYS cope with the present moment, but you cannot cope with something that is only a mind projection, you cannot cope with the future" E.Tolle

And as for another relationship.
I wasn't looking, I was just closing the door.
In closing the door tho I created space for something else to come into my life.
It has been very unexpected and I am cautious of getting hurt (like you think you will be)so I am taking things very slowly. My self esteem had been robbed and like you my H made me feel bad about my self so I am fragile and raw in places.
But I am aware of this and all "process" has taught me to look after my self better in future and I know now what I want and will/won't put up with.
I know you will too.

HTH ((((BTB))))

[littleGTO]

Tumbling,
It's good for Tori & the rest of us who are not as far along in the process to hear "the other side"...where you start digging your way out of the darkness into a happier/lighter place.

Part of me wishes I could fast forward through the next year so I could get there quicker. But I know that the only way to really get there is through the pain.

[tori2012]

I love you, all. You've been so kind and encouraging, as always.

BF, I wonder if we can send private messages through this site. Otherwise, we won't be able to exchange info. You are right that the grieving process continues. I had a nice break while in CA, and truly felt detached and happy, but being back in CT means being back to my sitch, so it's been hard, plus my H's attitude hasn't helped.

Spartan, GTO, Andrew and Tumbling, thank you for believing in me and for your words of hope. Thanks for bringing up Eckhard Tolle's words, Tumbling. They're words of truth. I've continued listening to my Wayne Dyer CD's, which really helps, too. This is the way it is with most problems in life. When we're in the midst of them, it's tough to visualize the way out, but there is always a way out, and always a way to make the best out of what happens to us.

I spoke with my coach today, and her advice was surprising to me. She told me to email my H with a statement acknowledging my role in what happened (down to the details) and also listing all the positive things I see in him. She also said it was good to give him a b-day card and present on his birthday (which is next Saturday.) She says my H is conflicted and that we never addressed his own pain through this process. She says I always focused on how his A hurt me and how I was betrayed, but did not acknowledge the pain he went through and how he lost the trust he had in me. She says the point of this is that he doesn't feel I'm going to "nail him to the wall" and that this is our only chance to have a friendship in the future, which might or might not lead to reconciliation, but it's our only chance anyway. So I don't know. I'm conflicted myself. I wrote the email, but will wait till tomorrow to send it. Maybe bc I feel so hurt I'm reluctant to once more be the one who gives, the one who reaches out. My H never replied to my email of three days ago when I tried to empathize with him, so I don't like that. I don't want to keep putting my feelings out there for him to squash them, but I guess I could. Not sure. Will decide tomorrow. After all, my coach is an expert.

I will meet with the L tomorrow, and will decide whether to end my contract with him or not. So if he doesn't deliver, I'm out. My H will be happy about that. No word from him in regard to the statements, which really puzzles me.

Thanks again, guys.

[tori2012]

Just finished the meeting with the L. It looks like I'll keep working with him bc he said even with mediation people go to court. But he will try to see if I can avoid it...He was better today, and it felt he is actually working on the case. If I could go back in time, though, I would've hired a different L.

I also decided to follow my coach's advice and send the email to my H. We'll see how he reacts. If I get no reaction/negative reaction, I am not reaching out anymore, though. I had enough.

Gotta get back to work.

[bustingout]

Hi Tori coming by to say hi.

Have missed you. Let us know how the email goes. I hope you get a response that you deserve.

Lots of love