Quick note to Sweetbaby--I meant to say that I'm NOW familiar with your story. I wrote "not familiar." ________________________
I'm staying home with a bad cold. I hadn't been sick in about 5 years! Go figure. Anyway, my coach told me my H and I needed to have "closing conversations," but I don't see us having those conversations in the near future, so I wrote down a note to my H to tie all the loose ends.
I read the note, and it's hard to not sound patronizing or accusing. I can rewrite it but then I won't be true to my real thoughts and feelings. Here is a sample paragraph:
"You said that even though it sounded terrible, you wanted to see what was out there, and if you couldn’t find someone who could meet your needs better than me, you might try to come back to our relationship. I would like you to be aware that I haven’t been romantically involved with anyone because we’re still married, but once the divorce is finalized, one of my main goals will be to remarry as soon as possible. Who knows when that will happen, but it is my goal. I’m not closing my mind and heart to a possible future for us as a couple, but if I find someone else to love and who loves me the way I want to be loved, I will shut the door for the sake of my new relationship."
Look forward to your thoughts. I could always forget about the closing convo/note thing but then I'll be holding a lot of stuff inside.
Usually when I take the time to sit down and ask a question on the board, I come up with my own answers. Got my answer! I think that although the note is good for me to release my feelings, it won't really bring about anything positive. My coach's suggestion to have closing conversations is good, but not essential.
I asked myself, what do I expect to come out of this other than to express how I feel? The answer was, nothing. The reality won't change, and I will once more play the role of the initiator of talks/ the one who analyzes, who takes charge/ the one who seems to know what's right/ the one who's being left behind. One of my 180's is to stop playing my previous roles, so a 180 will be to not share this note. In the future, if my H wants to talk about what happened, I will share what I put down on the note.
And if my H ever wants to come back to our R and I already have someone else, well, he'll have to deal with that. No need to warn him or anything like that.
Feel emotionally good about this :-) Now I need to go back to bed. Not feeling physically good at all...
"And if my H ever wants to come back to our R and I already have someone else, well, he'll have to deal with that. No need to warn him or anything like that."
Exactly.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
I think you've made a good choice. After BD, before I found this site, I sent a few emails letting H know how I felt. I guess I thought it might change things if he knew. It didn't.
"And if my H ever wants to come back to our R and I already have someone else, well, he'll have to deal with that. No need to warn him or anything like that."
He'll see this by you GALing and moving on. I think WAS's think the way we're told to- believe none of what they say and half of what they do.
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
HI, Tori, Sorry you are down and out but glad to hear you are getting some rest!
Your note was a good idea FOR YOU! You're right, of course, that it wouldn't change anything, so why send it.
I think it's great you are interested in keeping the door open for a new R, anytime after D is final! I think some of us are just wired to have a partner in life. SOme of us will find we can live a fulfilling life w/o a partner & still be happy.
But, I hope for you (& all of us here) that your happiness will come within so that you can bring this to your next R.
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
I have a running record of things I would like to say to H one day. It feels good just to write it down. I don't know if I will ever get the chance but it helps me clarify my feelings for myself so I do it anyway.
Take care and get good rest!
((((((( )))))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Hey BTB I hope you are feeling better. I have just spent an hour catching up on your threads since before Christmas to find out where you are and what's been going on. I'm saddened to read that your H is still in the same place and feels the only way to determine if you are right for him is to do some "exploring" when you have done your very best to stand for your marriage. However, I am heartened to read that you have accepted the sitch as it is and are focusing on you.
I also get the sense that soon you will emerge from your cocoon and be the beautiful Tori butterfly that we have all had glimpse of through your threads.
I remember when I wrote the butterfly words to you months ago that I ended them with the statement that when you emerged from this cocoon journey you would blow our minds. Well, you know what Tori? You already blew mine a long, long time ago.
Take care of you - the only way is up for butterflies :-)
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
Thank you. I feel a little better today. Slept 10.5 hrs last night! Had dreams about being with a young guy and saying to myself, well, my first R after my H! I might've had this dream bc I watched the movie "Rebound" with Catherine Zeta Jones, in which she (at 40) gets a D and then starts a R with a 25-yr old guy. In the end, they actually ended up together. I liked that ending. Maybe Zac Effron is not out of my league anymore :-)
In reality, I still have the bad feelings inside and wish things were different. Was thinking about what my coach asked the other day. She asked whether I would date my H if I were single and he told me all the things he said back in New Year's Eve (the whole story about wanting to date casually while doing whatever he wanted.) My answer: of course not! She said, well, every single woman out there will answer the same unless he lies to them. So she said that if he continued thinking this way, I probably would end up being the only W he ever had.
I think he'll learn the lessons at some point. Who knows when.
My goal is to find love again. I've figured out that what really gives meaning to my life is a clean connection with God and true love. Material stuff, career, fun activities, etc, that's all great, but meaning only comes through love.
