Please help!

[AngieG]

My previous threads have been in infidelity and new comers (with no advice) and I need help!

After a brief affair on my part (3weeks), my H has left. It’s a unique situation as he travels a lot for work and we are in the process of building a new house. He has left all his belongings with me, but will not live with me. I don't know where he is living when he is home, but I do know he is online dating.

I have moved so that he doesn't come to my house where OM had been (once), I am a open book, he can see all my phone calls, texts, emails, banking info, EVERYTHING. I am VERY remorseful and want my H back more than anything! It was a huge mistake on my part!!!

I have detached as much as possible. I only email him about the house building if necessary. H will only send short, snippy emails back and if he emails, his are about separation. I have done everything he has asked me to about the separation, even when my heart is screaming not too. (MY BIG 180!) I have always controlled the finances in our M, because of his travels. I want to tell him to do the work yourself, but I help and am kind (per DB Coach).

I am trying to GAL, but finances are tight right now, the weather is cold and I live in a rural area. I have been doing projects around my current residence to stay busy. H is due back to US on 1/23. H has asked D to put his keys in his truck so he doesn’t have to deal with me. I will not be home when he arrives (another 180) and have asked Ds to meet him wherever he wants, just not at our home. I don’t want him going thru my stuff or cleaning me out when I am not there. He does not have a key, as we just moved.

I feel like I’m drowning, can catch a quick breath and back to drowning…I need advice! I love my husband…

[Cadet]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...810#Post2309810

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...594#Post2314594

Angie sorry you have not gotten too many responses on your thread in newcomers, although I just read a few posts right now.

You are still on moderation I think and you need to keep posting to get off of it.
Once you are off moderation you will get more responses because your thread will be closer to the top.
Counterintuitive of course, but that is also a lesson in DB.

There is hope for you.
There can always be HOPE but not EXPECTATIONS.

It sounds like you have a real mess on your hands.

So you had an affair.
Is that still ongoing?
Do you know why you had that behavior?

You can only FIX your portion of this.
After that it is going to be up to your husband to FIX his portion, so that you can rebuild your marriage.

You need to FIX you - whether your marriage survives or not.

I think that is where you need to start to work!

Can you make a list and set some short term and long term goals?

Have you read DB/DR?

Keep posting, post on other threads, and you will get more advice that way.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon.

[Juanton]

You need to FIX you - whether your marriage survives or not.

+1

[AngieG]

I ended the affair before H confronted me. No contact whatsoever since then.

Yes, I know why the behavior happened...I was alone, felt neglected and rejected and basically that no one wanted me. The OM fed my ego...made me feel wanted again.

I have read both DB and DR and listed to KLA. Those materials have kept me sane. I have identified my issues and am willing to work on them. However, he would have to communicate with me in order to utilize them.

H arrived home 1/23 and has yet to communicate in any way. I had to send him a message regarding the building of the house, and he responded by calling the builder, not me. I guess I will stay dark...

[AngieG]

Well, things have gotten worse. Found out via the US Mail that H stopped his retirement check from going into my account to pay the mortgage. H refused to reply to my emails, texts or phone calls. What a coward!

H has appt with attorney on Monday. He wants me to dig up tax returns and fill out our financial stuff. I am having a hard time helping him divorce me, especially when I've given him this stuff several times.

I've changed the locks on our storage units. I don't trust him at this point...God help me, I still love him!

Any advice???

[AJM]

Note, I have not been in a similar position as you. There were some others around that have been - have you searched the boards for their stories?

To offer a different perspective - you can only control you. He sounds like he is hurt. He will need to get past that hurt at some point, but it doesn't sound like he is able to right now. I suspect that you'll have to work incredibly hard to overcome that hurt. And you'll be very hurt along the way most likely. Kind of a way of evening things out, from what I've seen.

My advice? You can let him know you're sorry and don't want this, but that you understand, right? That because you understand how you hurt him, you don't blame him and will do what it takes to make it right, even if that means helping him to leave. He'll test you on that, so don't say it if you aren't sincere.

I'm sorry you're here, but I hope you find what you need and wish you the best.

AJ

[AngieG]

Thank you AJM...

Update...last night I sent email telling him I would help gather information. I kept any responses light and apologized for mistake. He did send nasty email about OM. He just wants to stay angry and not work on any of this. H has dilusions of life being single. I will continue my DBing and praying.

I still wear my wedding ring. Should I continue? I haven't seen him, but would like to know if I should take it off if I do? I don't want to be pushy, but I do want him to know that I am still married in my eyes and heart.

My daily saying..."I am a good person that made a horrible decision...God has forgiven me..."

[AngieG]

H has seen his attorney and is hoping to buy me out of new house. Don't understand how he can afford it, but we will see. I am so hurt that H won't speak to me and I haven't seen him. Maybe its for the best...Will continue DBing, but my first goal of H speaking to me looks unattainable at this time. I feel like I'm backsliding, as I just want to yell and scream at him in emails. As of yet, I have done everything I'm supposed to do...Kindness and apologies, no I love you.

Any advice now is greatly appreciated...

[Lampstand]

I'm not sure I would even want to see/speak with someone that angry.

[AngieG]

Well, I see my attorney today. H wants separation, so I have to give it to him. I don't want this, but will go thru it to give him peace. I am totally dark where he is concerned. Found out yesterday that he had come into my home (not sure how he got in) and removed some keys and documents. I know he was snooping to find more evidence on me. Too bad...nothing to find. He has been spending a lot of time with his friends and not our kids. Very sad on his part. Wish me luck with this DBing, as it is going nowhere at this point.