This is Kim and my original post was under "need immediate advice" from about 3-4 months ago. I had to change my screen name (long story but I'll get into that in a bit), and I'm back on the board to write. I hope this message finds you (and all who are on this board) well, and that you had a wonderful holiday and Happy New Year!
Last time I wrote, it was before Thanksgiving (H had the pictures of himself and OW on his cell phone (that I saw), with numerous texts though they were hidden in a private inbox on his phone (which I could not see) - all of this was unknown to H that I knew. Anyway, H texts me at work 2 days before Thanksgiving while I was at work, saying he knows he has not been the best H and he just wants to spend more time with me, etc. I'm like, what's going on here? Well the night before Thanksgiving, he asks me point blank if I'm divorcing him, and I denied, as 1) I was not prepared to talk about this (wanted to wait to get through the holidays (thanks for the advice kml) and get my financial house in order) and 2) we were in the car with my son in the back seat. Anyway, we get through Thanksgiving, and that weekend we had a long talk. He saw my messages on this board (hence the reason I changed my screen name), so he knew I was contemplating divorce. Because of my messages, he knew that I found out about him and OW. I said I can't live like this, and I can't have him continue this relationship if he wants me to stay. I let him read the boards and messages I wrote, and he let me read through the texts to the OW. I was thinking maybe if we come clean to one another and stop hiding things, then there might be a slight (emphasis on slight) possibility of staying together (which would also involve counseling and other marriage saving techniques).
For the next few weeks, things were ok - not great, but ok. I was checking the cell phone bill online at work, and he didn't text or call OW for a few weeks. Then, he texted her a few times one day, along with another number I didn't recognize. I asked him about it that night and he was ticked. He said he realized there is some trust issues (really sherlock?!) and that I would feel the need to check into things (that's an understatement!), but he definitely didn't like me snooping. I explained he needed to earn trust back and texting OW does not do this - I then asked to see the text msg, and he said he deleted it. Well, I found his private inbox and he did not delete the msgs - in fact, the msgs to her was he was ticked because she (OW) was talking to other guys, then she(OW) told him off and he apologized to her(OW) and proposed a friends with benefits relationship with her - nice, huh? Not only that, but the # I did not recognize turns out to be the personal cell phone of a stripper he's "very" friendly with...turns out OW and stripper like to get together with H to do god knows what....
Also, H keeps about $120-$130 every week from his paycheck (that's his spending $$, I think I posted about this before). Well, about a week before christmas, he asked to borrow $80 from his brother with the note of "don't tell kim". I'm also willing to bet that he told his brother he wanted to buy me something for christmas or my birthday (which is 12/26). Well, turns out he spent a couple of hundred on flowers for OW's birthday (12/19), and then he has the audacity to tell me he didn't even have $5 to his name to buy me a birthday card - what a jerk!
Well, the last few weeks in December were the final turning point for me. No more hope, however slight, is left in me for this relationship. Even though I want this ended asap, I've been working to get my ducks in a row, so the children and I will be ok. This is taking me a few months longer than I hoped, but my goal is to tell him by March that this relationship is over. I've been reading Divorce Busting and drafting my speech to him - I know that may sound stupid, but I have to write it down and practice it; otherwise, I may believe his bs that he wants to work things out, etc. For his reaction, I expect he will either say 1) yes, let's end this (highly unlikely for him, as he's had me to take care of things and he can still have fun...) or 2) he will beg me to stay (I can almost guarantee this will be his reaction). In addition to the 'speech' I'm preparing, I'm also preparing for all of his bs "lines" and what he will say or do.
On a positive note, I do feel better, and am working at detaching - this has been hard. I have my days of complete confidence of making a go of it on my own, and then days where I'm incredibly sad and/or angry. I'm working on these issues for me and my kids, and I'm determined to be the best mom and person I can be (chatterbug, I keep repeating your words that I'm a good person, a good mom and a good friend, and I've added "I am worth so much more than this") It is getting easier with time. And I've lost 24 pounds since this all started back in the Fall! I'm so excited and want to keep these positive changes going - I joined a get fit program at work (my dept has 4 teams) which will run the next 12 weeks. I wanted to lose 60 pounds (yes, if you remember from my earlier post I let myself go and needed to lose 60 pounds), so I only have 36 more pounds to go!
Again, if you've gotten this far, thanks for reading/listening.
Hey there - Congrats on the weight loss! The Bomb Drop Diet is the most effective one I know.
Sorry about your H, but at least now you have the peace of mind that you were willing to give it a try, and he couldn't even manage a month of good behavior. You ARE worth so much more than this. (And strippers? Omg, don't even get me started on how lame a father he is for that.)
Good for you getting your financial ducks into a row. Get out and do things for you, too - take advantage of that built-in babysitter while he's still there.
I know it all stinks, but trust me that life may become WAAAAYYYY better for you once you have moved on. Trust that there is a bright future for you.
Hi all, was away for a bit...had the flu (went through the house, ugh!), then the kids vacation and got to spend a lot of time with them. We had fun sledding, went to the movies, and played a lot of games.
For support going forward, at this point I'm feeling ok. I'm chugging along, paying bills/debts, and saving some money, which feels good. I've been hooking up with friends once/week which has been great. I've also been re-connecting with extended family (cousins and whatnot), that I've lost touch with (mostly because H didn't want to go out and get together with them - he comes from an extremely small family, and my family is huge (70+ first cousins). And though I'm not writing a lot on the boards (yet), I've been reading all the threads, which have been really helpful.
I've also been able to have alone time, which I've really needed, to work through some of my thoughts and emotions. I'll have times where I just break down crying, and other times where I've been so angry.
I will definitely need support when I tell H I'm ready to end this marriage. The more I think about what his reaction will be, the more I think he'll beg me to stay. So I'm preparing for that and want to remain strong...Hope everyone is doing well.
