You're learning through the process. Try to look at yourself from the outside, as though you were watching a movie, and notice what you see. How would you like this movie to end?
You're learning through the process. Try to look at yourself from the outside, as though you were watching a movie, and notice what you see. How would you like this movie to end?
That's a great way to look at it! I'll have to try that.
Thank you for the responses. I have been struggling with my emotions the last few weeks. My W's unresponsiveness to me or better yet her not communicating at all with me has worn me down. I felt rejected and utterly alone. I was ready to file for a divorce because I thought she had moved on. Until today, now I'm confused and hopeful/hurting again. Let me explain what happened.
After my wife said she would not give me access to my daughter, I tried to let it go, however I eventually let it out in an unhealthy way. I did not curse or scream but I did not act like an adult either. Again no communication for a few weeks after that and she said she was done gonna file immediately. Today after church I took my daughter and a few of her girl friends out to eat and was dropping them off at my w's place. She came out to talk to me. She asked me about our taxes etc. Then she said that she would never use our D against me, I said okay, i believe you. She also said that she had a lot of issues to work thru and possibly in a year or so we could get back together if I was still around and was willing. WHAM!!! right between the eyes. I said that I would be here, that I was going no where. If she ever needed to talk that I would be available. I also said that I was working on me and trying to change who I was for the better.
I have been praying for God to give me an answer as to what I should do and I believe he is speaking directly to me. The timing was about 1 week before i was going to see a lawyer. She may file for divorce to have all pressure off of her, I do not know what the future holds for us. I do know that I will stand a while longer and continue to improve me. My communication, my demeanor, my attitude, my life.
As a side note my d14 helped a friend out that was cutting herself. My daughter went to her guidance counselor and let them know what she was doing. My D said she did not care if her friend got mad at her. She loves her and does not want her to hurt herself. Wow I have an amazing daughter, thru all this pain she is suffering she thought of someone else and what they were struggling with. I need to learn a lesson from this amazing young lady.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
This reminds me of what MWD says, to reevaluate your sitch. What are you doing that's making her reconsider reconciling? Figure it out! Cuz it's working.
Also take it as a lesson. NO MORE BACKSLIDING!! NO MORE REACTING!!! THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK!!!
You are learning to communicate in a healthy way. The strategies you learn now will carry on to your relationship. Be mature. Keep your mouth sh&t before you say something that can set you back. Give it 24hrs so that you can communicate with clarity. Practice with us, then talk to her.
I would also suggest giving her a time. Can we talk about what you said tomorrow at 4? This I got from 25mlc. That way you don't surprise her ;-)
Continue to grow (up) ;-) I confess, I was a reactor. Lashing out like a child if things didn't go my way. I've learned a lot and recently impressed H. He was floored that I didn't react to a sitch I would've normally created chaos.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Then she said that she would never use our D against me, I said okay, i believe you. She also said that she had a lot of issues to work thru and possibly in a year or so we could get back together if I was still around and was willing. WHAM!!! right between the eyes. I said that I would be here, that I was going no where. If she ever needed to talk that I would be available. I also said that I was working on me and trying to change who I was for the better.
That's a nice baby step, congrats, but be warned that she may say the complete opposite tomorrow, next week or next month. So try not to get too excited about it, just celebrate it internally and continue with your DB'ing. Also regarding the above in bold, you don't want to tell her you're just sitting around waiting for her, because she will never have any incentive to come back. A better response might have been "well a year is a long time, I'm going to continue to work on myself and we'll just see where things go." In a response like this you're not committing to waiting around and you're also not saying you're not going to, you're just leaving some question in the air as to your intentions. What you want her to wonder is if she might lose you if she waits around too long.
sub guy that is a wonderful baby step :-) And you handled it so well! You sound like you are getting into a good place. Keep going with that momentum.
And bravo for your D. How mature and compassionate she sounds. Feel proud. :-)
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Also take it as a lesson. NO MORE BACKSLIDING!! NO MORE REACTING!!! THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK!!!
Yes, yes, yes: That's who I am striving to be. A more mature communicator, one who is not afraid to speak what is on my heart but in a mature loving manner. Thank you vero!!
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Give it 24hrs so that you can communicate with clarity. Practice with us, then talk to her. [/qoute] I like this!! 24 hours is a good healthy way to digest and then reply. I heard an acronym that I like. HEAT H= handle your emotions, E= empathize A= access the situation t= take the right action. I am trying to sound this out in my mind before responding now. I think i will incorporate the 24 hour rule as well.
[quote] That's a nice baby step, congrats, but be warned that she may say the complete opposite tomorrow, next week or next month. So try not to get too excited about it, just celebrate it internally and continue with your DB'ing
Right with you AS thanks, I came to a realization about 3-4 hours after this encounter. I want a relationship with my wife, I no longer need a relationship, huge difference. I will continue to detach in a healthy way, make my life and purchase that Harley in about a 2 months.
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Also regarding the above in bold, you don't want to tell her you're just sitting around waiting for her, because she will never have any incentive to come back. A better response might have been "well a year is a long time, I'm going to continue to work on myself and we'll just see where things go." In a response like this you're not committing to waiting around and you're also not saying you're not going to, you're just leaving some question in the air as to your intentions. What you want her to wonder is if she might lose you if she waits around too long.
Point taken, I will use more mystery next time. I was taken completely by surprise and said what was on my heart, before I thought. again H.E.A.T.
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And bravo for your D. How mature and compassionate she sounds. Feel proud. :-)
She has taught me so much through this process. She is an amazing person.
My wife may feel the need to complete the divorce, to get all the pressure off her and figure out life. I do not know what the future holds. I do know i am going to stand a while longer. So it just goes to show how confused the WAS spouse is even when they sound absolutely convinced in their actions. It also shows how much pain they are in. I am learning to empathize even though I cannot understand what they are feeling, I can empathize and understand that they are hurting and offer my support.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
In Celebrate Recovery tonight we had a guy admit to being molested by another man when he was a boy. This gave me the courage to admit this as well. This is something that i have told no one; not even my wife. I was in the second grade and the boy was a little older than me and it only happened one time. I went home and felt ashamed of me. I have a need to please women constantly, I cannot stand for a women to be unhappy with me. I wonder how much of this need is related to my experience as a young child. I wonder how much of an impact this has on me and my ability to really share with women in my life. I feel the need to cover this up because I do not want to be seen as less than or as a homosexual. I know this is intellectually incorrect to feel this way however... I was only a boy...
I feel God moving in my life my wife leaving me has forced me to face my demons and they are not nearly as scary as i thought they would be. God is working and showing me a way forward. My wife may divorce me but I know God is here with me. I may have been taking advantage of, but God is right here with me. For the first time in my life I feel loved by God, amazing that through this pain I find him. I am truly blessed.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
