Tried going it alone, but I need help!!

[Untucked]

All right, here we go.
My part - In the past, i've had controlling and manipulating issues that have affected trust in our marriage. I've also had a tendency to disengage from my surrounings and be emotionally unavailable. Went through a bunch of counseling this summer to address these problems. I have become acutely aware of my behaviors and I am quick to own them and correct them now if I slip up.
Her part - Typical WAW from what it seems. Except, it wasn't till after I went through my change, did she begin to pull away. She also has been unable to connect with me consistently throughout our M. We have had the chicken and egg conversation many times, but I believe that we both played a part.
Thing that she has told me:
-I’ve never been attracted to you and never will be.
-I only had sex with you because I was horny.
-I have no reference point in our marriage to look back on that makes me want to work on our M.
-I think I might want to date other people to see if I can be passionate with someone other than you. I want to see if it is you, or if I am broken inside. (She is dealing with past sexual abuse and is at home with our S2 and disabled with fibromyalgia)
-We are two nice people that never should have gotten married.

Now, I know this not to be true, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. It is killing me that she began facebooking with OM the day that I moved out. She has been a very honest person, and I don’t believe this began before we separated. I told her that before she desired to date, that I wanted her to file for D. I’m not going to sit back and wait for her while she explores other men. She told me that she wouldn’t do anything that would disrespect our marriage and jeopardize a chance of a future together.

I have worked 2/3 jobs to pay the bills, raised her daughter as my own, went through hours of counseling at her request, welcomed her family, and welcomed her into my family. In fact, she says that one of the reasons that she is still around is because she doesn’t want to lose them.

I am really struggling with not contacting her to relieve my anxiety over the situation. To compound the problem, I want/need to contact my S2 and cannot do that without her. Also, I go back to the house to hang out with all of my kids 4 nights per week until they go to bed. Help!!!

[Untucked]

I forgot to mention...she agreed to go to M Counseling and that day is the day that she told me that she wanted out. She said that she wanted to know from a counseler if our marriage was salvageable. We went to 3 sessions in a week and she pretty hammered me te entire time. The C brought up post pardom depression, being attracted to unavailable men, her illness, and her abuse. She wasn't having any of it. I saw the C later alone and she told me that there wasn't anything egregious on my part, but that she had nothing to give this and to let her go in hopes of her realizing my value.

[KarenR]

I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds like time to take a different path. I hope you can talk to a DB coach, they are experts in helping you come up with a very specific approach of how to approach your spouse, whether it is to see your child or just to talk to her, so that you will be bringing her closer and not pushing her further away. Several of our coaches also deal specifically with intimacy issues. Please call me for further information. Thanks and best of luck.

[Lampstand]

Untucked,

Your W sounds a lot like me. I have very severe intimacy issues culminating in my inability to be loving or openly sexual with a man unless he is rejecting me. This is probably the reason I keep dumping my H--so that I can feel attracted to him. It's a nightmare for me but worse for him. Although I remain in the marital home I am the WAS who is also probably in MLC. I have had numerous EAs.

One of the other issues I have is the constant flux of changing emotions and it results in me doing a start/stop pattern on my poor suffering H. It truly is a roller coaster.

I believe these problems were most likely caused by childhood sexual abuse but I don't have direct memories of it. Just my intuition.

I have dragged my H to 3 counselors but in all honesty I think I am the one who really needs more intensive help.

[Lampstand]

After talking to my mom tonight I see that I really do need to give H some space. I need space too but I never see it for some reason. I need to look at why every 6 months or so I tell my H to leave. This is a pattern that has been in all my R's for 30 years! I didn't realize it until my mom pointed it out to me.

Well at least now I have something to work on specifically. The past few days I've been so focused on how to convince H to come home that I've not really been looking at my junk. I'm hurt that he hasn't contacted me at all. When we were together he was always texting, emailing, following me around the house......I guess I expected it to continue even after he left.