Its so easy to understand what you are saying and it makes sense but at the same time its impossible to grasp.
Yesterday all hell broke loose. We have been divorced half a yeare and she moved out a year ago. She still pulls me int the drama.
I got a text from her where she accused me of destroying her relationship with her sister. I didnt awnser. Instead I called her sister and she was so upset.
Sister had mentioned me to her sister and ex became monster. Ex tried to hit her and things went really wrong. Everyone at the party saw monster and didnt say or do anything.
This is more then I can cope with right now and my brain is crazy with thoughts about our kids. Youngest was luckely not there but oldes was. Problem is hes my stepson so I cant contact him bc im afraid that ex will try to end our relationship.
This has gone too far. And to think we acctually were a normal family a year and a half ago.
PeterP, I once again woke up to soon. This has been the norm for a long time. I know what your going through. My timeline is very much the same has yours. I dont think I will ever gain an understanding of what she has done. I know how much is hurts.
I will be getting my first grandchild later this year. I woke up to the thought of my son having to explain to him or her why he has 4 sets of grandparents. Yes everyone is divorced. That in its self is very sad. The whole thing is sad. This summer my other son will be getting married. I should be happy. I am sad for everyone involved. This isnt how I thought things should be.
If you get a handle on things Peter, let me know. I like you am really struggling with my situation.
A few weeks ago I recieved an angry text from ex telling me it is my fault ex and older sister had a fight. That I ruined their relationship. Talked to older sister bc talking to ex gets me nowhere. She confirmed it and said that she just couldnt believe her sister could act that way towards her. She saw the monster I have seen since this started. Their topic: us!
Since then I have felt so sad. If ex keeps this up she will be all alone exept for her new friends.
Im finding it so hard to ignore the drama. Its like The quote from Godfather III " Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in". And she does. Pulls me back into the drama.
Its like she cant let me go and the only way of keeping me around since I have tried to to NC as much as possible, is to provoke me or blame me.
I dont know how I can turn this off. I cant stop her but what do I do to keep her out of my mind? Do I have to get used to?
Im finding it so hard to ignore the drama. Its like The quote from Godfather III " Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in". And she does. Pulls me back into the drama.
My ex does the same thing. Still angry and vile…truly a pita to deal with. These past two weeks I too have allowed myself to get sucked back in. I had to remind myself over the past few days that 1) she is crazy 2) she really is not done 3) this too will pass and 4) I ultimately control ME.
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I dont know how I can turn this off. I cant stop her but what do I do to keep her out of my mind? Do I have to get used to?
Not sure if what I do will help you but I figured I would share…..
1) Stop responding to anything that is not about the kids schedule or finances.
2) Keep communication to the bear bone minimum and if possible – electronic. I do not call my xw. I try and keep everything via email. Why? In the event that I needed to go back to court I can easily show how unreasonable she is. Trust me dude, if I could share some of the emails I would.
3) Do what is required by law in terms of communication. In my example our decree says that we must respond within 12 hours. XW for the past 3 years almost never responded to emails or text or if she did it was cryptic so ya never knew what was going. For example: me to her “ so are you picking up the kids on Sunday” – her response “Sunday is th 3rd”. As you can see, the question was never answered. I am left to figure it out on my own. So now what I do…is respond with a “I have received your email”. That is it.
4) ACCEPT that you cannot change her. This is one of the hardest thing to do. But do you must. Accept that she is what she is. In my case, I have accepted that my xw is really gone. She is incapable of any reasonable conversation. I have had to accept it.
5) Stopping giving a rats as* how she will feel or take something. I know it sounds harsh…but for me I have found that I needed to finally accept that an alien replaced my xw. I have to keep reminding myself that nothing I say, don’t say, do, don’t do, think of, don’t think of…is gonna change her. So guess what – I need to do what I need to do that is in the kids best interest and mine. My hope is still that one day she wakes up and can be somewhat civil.
6) Keep busy and do not always read what she sends right away. Stay busy Peter. Keep doing you buddy. Keeping working to be the best man you can be and really just LET GO completely. Michelle Davis talks about thought stopping..use those tools when she enters your mind.
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Its like she cant let me go and the only way of keeping me around since I have tried to to NC as much as possible, is to provoke me or blame me.
I had this long conversation with my mom a few months ago about this. FTR, my MOM went through her own crisis….it lasted a very very long time. My mother understand what my xw is going through and based on what she knows of her does not feel like she has the tools (emotional awareness, etc) to work through it. She always went on to say that my XW may never be able to “let me go”. I was shocked… “why mom”…”it make no sense to me”…”this is what she wanted”….my mother’s response. Honey you will never understand….it is like being in a fog…you never are happy….I was in it for probably 10 – 15 years. It was horrible. I held on to my xh (she had several) trying to find something…that honestly I still do not know what I was looking for. All I know is that I FELT that I WOULD LET GO WHEN I WANTED TO. I just did not know when that would be. So Eric, realize that she is not going to let go until she is ready to…if she ever really is ready to. All you can do is live your life and be happy.
Ayep – that up there ^^^^ from my mom. Ya know I was thinking about asking her to write about it so that I can post it.
Bottom line Pete – “do you”…..put as much distance as you can between her and yourself and let her go. She may come out if it, she may not. She may one day become nice again, she may never – either way….the closer you stay to it – the worse you will feel.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Bottom line Pete – “do you”…..put as much distance as you can between her and yourself and let her go. She may come out if it, she may not. She may one day become nice again, she may never – either way….the closer you stay to it – the worse you will feel.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Then she starts texting me. Only reguarding D and nothing special. But everytime she starts to feel confortable she starts contact again. If something, anything differs from her perspective. Monster and no contact for weeks or months.
Im getting a hang on it now. Doesnt mean its easier but just the way things are.
The hardest part is still not being able to talk to her. For real. Sooo much to say. Good thing I can vent here instead.
I cannot stress what Eric said enough. I read that and was shaking my head in agreement/solidarity and jumping out of my seat as I read it.
I'm animated I suppose.
But that is *exactly* the same experience I have with my ex. And she's remarried already. I have to stop and be sure to not be pulled back into the drama. She'll do it in a heartbeat. Like you two, I have rarely received coherent sentences. She tries to pull me back in. So I do the exact same as Eric mentions, although I've been at the email only thing since she left the house and kids. I needed the written trail as she can't seem to recall things very well unless they are in her favor
As for responses - nope. Not unless absolutely required.
I recently asked me pastor to sanity check me. My ex was taking cheap shots at me (his words) and I was losing clarity due to the subject. I have not responded at all. He scolded me for even responding prior to that. He was right.
My *wife* is gone. Long gone. My ex seems to hang on like a bad cold
No response or written only so you can keep track will help.
Hang in there!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Yesterday ex picked up our kids here in the evening. And this is a new one. She has been here in our "old" home at least 20 times and once this summer she had a bite to eat. We needed to discuss stuff so that was ok. But here is the kicker this time. She has never commented on any of the changes I have done. Not one word. Yesterday she said it was really cozy here. She also complimented the food me and kids ate. Guess she smelled it. She missed my cooking.
As she left she stroked my are very quicky and said take care.
Nice to see the real ex sometimes. Just struck me as odd after so long to notice stuff that has been right under her nose all the time.
Anyways...
Getting to work with a nasty male cold.... Poor me!
